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[PP|F1] An apologetic goodbye


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Dustin sad atop the hill in the field on the first floor, staring at the sunset. I can't believe it's been that long since I've spoken to anyone. The boy stares at his brother's broken blade, before opening his menu and going to his friends section. An entire list of people he didn't want to see for a while. I have to tell someone, or they might try to find me again. Maybe someone who won't lie. He wondered if anyone would even listen to him after what he had done. He practically made Jinx watch him betray her trust. I didn't want to do it you know. I didn't want you to watch. I wanted you to see what I would become just to stop those who hurt the ones I love, and I want you to hate me. I know what I did was wrong but it was something that needed to be done. He clicked on Jinx's name and started typing up a message. It had been a long time since anyone had heard from him, at all. He was avoiding everyone, keeping himself hidden from those who might try to chase him down.

But he owed her some sort of explanation.

He stepped out of the field and into the town at the west gate. It's late, but this will be the last chance any of them have at seeing me for a while. His thoughts focused on those he still cared about, the ones who hadn't paid the ultimate price. Then his thoughts flipped to those he cared for that had. Kirbs and Kadin would've been great friends, had Dustin been able to save either of them. Eatos was little more than someone who gave Dustin a great opportunity. You were right. This is hell. Whaddya know? His leg would push into the wall, launching him up higher than he'd ever been before. The view from the wall was truly something to behold, and that was exactly why he picked this specific spot to tell her.

He was finally gonna tell her everything.

This height was probably enough to do some serious damage to the boy if he were to jump off. He looked down over the edge before sitting. His legs swung low as he watched the map eating the last bit of his snacks he had stocked up on so long ago. It truly was the end of an era, and Kadin could finally rest.

Spoiler

To: @Jinx

Message:

Meet me on the wall above the West Gate of the Town of Beginnings... Come alone.

 

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"Dustin. You say you won't let him take your friends away from you but...You're the one who has done it. You And Arabelle have just...killed people! MURDERED THEM!"

"You could have done, so much more! So many better things and instead you sink to their level and become a murderer! It....it hurts to look at you. You're the...the shell of a friend...You were such a good friend to me and now....i don't..even know who you are anymore"

"You said to me, just before. You'd never let anyone take your friends away from you. Well, you've already failed that Dustin. You drove me away from you. Because you don't care about the friends who stand by your side. We nearly died together once Dustin, remember...? When Pin attacked us. I stayed WITH you, even though he could have killed me a dozen times over! Because i believed, deep down, you were a friend and a friend is someone who you stand by!"

"I'm sorry Dustin. I'm sorry i wasn't a good enough of a friend. I just wish i knew how to be better not to lose the people i care about. But i suppose it doesn't matter now. It's clear you don't see me as a friend anymore, if you're so willing to get rid of me"

Alisea 'Jinx' Dariem could recite the last words she'd said to Dustin. Said wasn't the right way to define them. More like screamed while crying her eyes out. even now, so long after, she could feel the pain in her chest. The break that had left the shield user broken to the point where she had vanished from everyone, even her own 'guild'. Even now, she wasn't herself after what her 'friend' had done. Claiming the life of someone right in front of her had changed her. Make her, colder than she'd been before. Clad in her armour, the girl walked towards the town of beginnings with her shield, and familiar on display. 

Deep down, Jinx prayed Dustin wouldn't attack her on sight. But why else would he want to contact her, to see her, unless to kill her? To kill the witness to his crime? He clearly had no issues taking the life of others, why would her life be any different? 

Still, one could always hope. 

Checking her map, the girl quickly found him upon a wall, and using a slightly less elegant method, she found herself walking towards him, Fou by her side. The little familiar seemed overally suspicous of Dustin, despite the dull look in the tank-players eyes. She looked at him, and felt an all-too familiar feeling in her chest. Pain, suffering, all the emotions she'd felt back on the 4th floor were rushing back to her like a tidal wave. 

Much like before, there was so much to say, so much she could say, that she had no idea where to begin...What to even talk about. What did one say in a situation like this anyway? It wasn't that they'd left on even minorly positive terms. He tore her heart out and crushed it, knowing it would hurt her. Wanting it to hurt her. And he had. Oh the pain he had caused her never left. 

And so, the girl said nothing and simple stared at him from across the wall with dull eyes, clad in her armour and of course, her almost iconic shield, attached onto her arm. It wouldn't be hard for Dustin to see a lack of any weapon, a promise made the same day she last saw this boy. 

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Dustin watched as she approached the wall. No one was tailing her, no one was keeping an eye on her and Dustin clenched his fist. So you actually came. Thanks. He said to himself, right before she made her way up to him. Fou, that floaty dog thing she was so fond of, had eyes like daggers. On the other hand, Jinx's stare felt all too empty. There was no apparent mistrust or hatred, she almost looked like she didn't care.

"Don't look at me like that."

It had been so long, the boy had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like, but it was never like this. The rasp and volume of a husk trying to utter its last words for an eternity. 

"Look at me with all the hatred you feel towards me."

He says again, his voice gaining a little more volume. He had almost reached the normal speaking volume. His eyes began to water as he looked up at her. He made her this way, He stole her smile. Now he wasn't sure if she could ever trust him again. "I don't want your forgiveness. I don't want you to understand what I did. I just want you to know that I'm sorry I made you watch. I wanted you to know that I wasn't coming back from what I'd done." How could someone he cared about forgive him for committing such an atrocity? "This isn't me telling you how I feel, this isn't me explaining what I had done. You don't need that. I'm telling you I'm not coming back." If she looked, she would be able to see Dustin's menu clearly reading "Are you sure you would like to leave The Guardians of the New Dawn." "She was right. Eatos. I told her what I was going to do, and she called me an idiot. Hestia did too. But even if it was the wrong thing to do, it was something that needed done."

The boy stands up, walking along the edge up to Jinx. He looked her in the eyes and then at the ground beneath them. He considered dropping down the wall, face first into the ground. Instead, Dustin looked back towards Jinx.

"I cared for you, you know. Same way I did for Arabelle at first."

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"Don't look at me like that."

Those were his first words? Jinx had hoped, begged, that she was wrong. That Dustin would realize what he did was wrong, realize that killing was the worst thing you could do no matter how right you believed yourself to be. Maybe she could explain it then, perhaps it would make sense. But the more he spoke, the clearer of a painting Dustin painted for her. He wanted her to hate him, to yell, scream. To lash out, like any other person would. Like...

"Look at me with all the hatred you feel towards me."

Jinx watched him talk, justifying his decision to kill. As if he was so certain he was in the right, so  certain that killing Greil, and the others, was justified. As if murder was acceptable. It wasn't, it would never be! The boy standing in front of her was a murderer, a killer with blood on his hands! And was so, casual, as if, as if it hadn't impacted him at all. She watched him move, to leave the guild. What was the point of the action, he hadn't been a member since he killed Greil, killed the other. Since the last day she was him, he'd been...just a stranger to her. 

After he finished talking, the girl simple stayed silent. The only noise being the occasional 'Fous' from the girls familiar as she stared at him. What could she say here? Even as the boy got closer, as the fear and pain within her chest escalated...It was the eternal question. What could she say here?

Eventually, she found her voice. 

"What was their names?" Her voice was a soft as it ever was, so much so, Dustin might miss it had be not been listening carefully for the words uttered from her pale lips "On the last day i saw you, you and Arabelle killed two people before going on to chase Greil. O-on the day, that you believed so justly in killing another human you didn't care who got in your path. O-on the day you...tore, my heart out" The girls calm voice faltered as she fought back the tears that threatened to consume her eyes, and her hands tightened into fists to keep herself calm "On that day, Dustin. You killed at least three people, five, if you'd care to include Arabelle and myself. You made the decision, only only to kill, but to make me witness it to drive me off. To hate you...To dispise your very exsistance"

The girl smiled a sad smile and shook her head "I've had, so long to think about that day Dustin. Had my active mind, analyise it all. And i understand it, i can...revisit it. But that's the one thing, i don't know..."

The girl took a step forwards, as gentle as she'd always been, and placed an armoured hand on Dustins shoulder. The look in her eyes was as distant as always, but within them scared a question, screamed the desire to understand...

"What are the names of the three people you killed that day?"

 

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That question she asked burned a whole in Dustin's chest. The pain was new, but familiar. He had no words for it, but he needed to explain. "They were unforeseen variables. I didn't think I'd have to kill them. God knows I didn't want to." He said, holding his head down in shame. "Of course I don't know their names, you think I want to remember their faces? Hear their voices everywhere I go? I already do, and knowing their names would make it so much worse." He wanted to scream at her, but he couldn't. He had no reason to. "You didn't see it, so you don't know what it's like to watch the brother you were supposed to protect with your life explode into nothing right in front of you. You didn't watch everyone you care about die while the man who did it laughed, because it padded his numbers. Even if you did, you probably would've picked the better option. YOU probably could've figured out a way to take care of this without ending a life. I'm not you. I'm not a sweet little girl that befriended the wrong boy." He looked back over the ledge and looked at her. "I've considered jumping several times, you know. I stand on the edge and just look down for a while. Sometimes I work up the courage to take a step forward, but I know the fall would be painful, and the impact much worse." That old voice, the one that radiated youthful ignorance and blissful naiveté finally made its way through the soft raspy whispers from before.

"But I can't run, not this time. I have to face what I've done and who I did it to." His words had returned to the dull hum of before. "Do you want to know why I did it? Why I don't feel bad for doing it. Why the worst thing about that day was watching you cry?" He looked Jinx dead in the eyes with a blank stare. "Because he was a monster. Not even human. What kind of man kills a twelve year old? The kind that deserves to die. And as for those other two, I do feel like shit. I was put in a bad situation and chose to protect my friends. That was their choice not mine." The snow of that night fogged the boy's memory, but he was very sure of one thing. They had attacked first. "Remember this though, I didn't want to kill them. I wanted you to stop me, I wanted Belle to tell me I was in the wrong. I wanted to be the bigger man. I wasn't."

"Kadin would hate me. He'd sit me down and yell at me all day. 'That girl did nothing to deserve that, so go hang your head and apologize. And remember, she doesn't need to forgive you.' Those would be his exact words. You reminded me of him you know. That's why I couldn't stop myself when those men attacked."

"I didn't want the best of us to die again." 

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It was, as the girl had expected. The more he spoke, the more lost she was. How far must one fall, how far one must bury themselves to truly believe this as Dustin did. He was talking about murder, about two people who would never return home. Two families that will never be whole again, two lost children who could never return home. Perhaps Greil was too far gone, perhaps upon his return he would be arrested and charged with murder. But instead, Dustin took it upon himself to do it himself. He decided to be judge, and executioner. It was wrong to believe you had the right to do that, no matter how much you've suffered. 

So much of what he said, she wanted to scream at him for. So much of what he said was, wrong, so fundimentally wrong that she wanted to hit him until he shut his mouth. But she didn't, and instead, as always, listened to the boy speak his piece. Even the girls usually chatty familiar had fallen silent as it lightly clawed at Jinx's armoued foot. 

After the silence fell, Jinx removed her arm from Dustins shoulder, and stared at him, almost, right through him with passive indifference on her face, the signs of her tears from moments ago the screams of a bygone era. 

"You have no right to forget their faces" She whispered "The two you attacked before Greil, the two you..you forced me to fight against. You could have wounded them and let them go, stunned them and move on. You could have choosen to sneak around them. Instead, you believed you were so correct, that even when i begged you to let them live...You choose to kill them" Even as she spoke, the girls voice was a mere whisper, so quiet if you weren't close and listening, the words would be drowned out by the gentle breeze that moved the tips of her hair. 

"You say...Greil, only cared to about the number of people he killed, to...pad, his numbers. He was a murderer. As are you..." The girl looked Dustin in the eyes as anger started to lace her words "You claim to want revenge, but no matter the reason, you killed 3 players. That is 3 people who will never get to escape this world, 3 people whose families will have to be told their child was killed by another who gets to go escape the world. So how can you stand here, and be so, right?" 

The girl took a step away, and unable to stop herself, yelled, the words being ripped out of her throat so hard that Fou, the ever-calm familiar, scampered back in shock "HOW CAN YOU STAND IN FRONT OF ME SO CERTAIN THAT BEING A MURDERER IS OK! THAT WHAT YOU DID WAS JUSTIFIED!" 

Jinx dropped to her knees, shivering from the ringing in her eyes, caught by her own outburst. The girl grapped her wrist and squeezed tightly, trying to keep herself focused on the now. Her voice had vanished once more, barely more than a whisper on the wind "how can you say you wanted me to stop you? H-how is that, even fair?" The girl thought she was able to do this, but now, tears started to paint a disgusting picture upon her face "how was i meant to stop you, w-when you brought me there, just to hurt me?" 

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"HOW CAN YOU STAND IN FRONT OF ME SO CERTAIN THAT BEING A MURDERER IS OK! THAT WHAT YOU DID WAS JUSTIFIED!"

"When did I say it was justified? When did I say it was okay? I know what I did was wrong." He explained. "Sometimes though, a person will do something they know is wrong because they felt like it needed done." He plants his metaphorical foot and prepares to push back, but realizes what he's saying. "I've still got a moral compass, I still know what's right and wrong. I know why you hate me, and that's how I want it. How could you not hate me for what I did?" His words had lost a tinge of life, as if when he realized he was defending himself he was losing himself. "Yes, I took two more lives than I planned to that day, but it's not like they didn't make their choice. Same reason I kill the monsters here, because I believe it's them or me."

Dustin hated himself for the life he took, even if they were just as bad as Greil. Even if they did attack first. Even if they did choose to try and kill Jinx and Arabelle, Dustin wishes they could've run away, so he wouldn't have had to kill them. "It's not like I killed him in one hit. It wasn't like he didn't know that he was doomed if he kept fighting. He had the option to run, and yet he stayed and hurt you." His gaze fell to the floor beneath them, then ascended to the night sky. "I relive that night every time I close my eyes, Every moment of silence I hear that noise. Every time I blink I see his horrified face. I've become haunted by my decisions." He closes his eyes and for a moment, a small smile can be seen on his lips. "But this is a hell I can endure if it means you and Belle are safe from that old bastard."

"If killing me stopped me from killing those three, would you have done it? If taking an arm or two could've kept me from cutting such disgusting lives short, would you have taken mine?"

He might have hated her at first, but she had opportunities to stop him. She could've smacked some sense into him. "How effective were the words of a best friend when you asked me to not kill someone? Huh? I still went through with it and hate myself for avenging my brother. They all killed more than a few people for no reason, and you were their next targets. How was I supposed to keep you safe? Ask them not to kill you? Please. Tell me. Because I hate what I had to do. I hate that I was forced to kill two people for trying to kill us, but there was no other way." His hand glows a bright blue as he turns and slams his hand into the ground using the most powerful sword art he has. "WHY DID I HAVE TO DAMN MYSELF TO SAVE MY TWO BEST FRIENDS? WHY DID I HAVE TO CLAIM TWO SOULS?" He stares at that bright signage, and chuckles a little to himself. "Even if I hate it, I would do it again. No matter how many lives it took, no matter how much you hated me, I would kill to protect you and Arabelle again and again."

Sometimes people have to die. Sometimes the best people have to do the worst things.

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