[SP] Home is Where The Heart Isn't

[Reytac 0]

Reytac groaned as a soft alarm rang out, dragging him out of his sleep. He swatted blinding out, shutting off the alarm, then rolled over to wrap his arm around her. His arm settled around her waist and he buried his nose in the hair at the back of her neck, drawing in a deep breath – and sneezing, violently, as the smell of pine overwhelmed him. He sat up abruptly, his heart hammering in his chest, as he blinked the last dregs of sleep out of his eyes. She wasn’t there, he’d just been wrapping his arms around the pillows that he’d shoved down the side of the bed, to fill the spot where she should be. She wasn’t there, because he wasn’t in their bed, where he belonged. He was in his bed, alone, in a cabin on a hillside, by himself – trapped, still, in the damn death game.

He swung his feet off the side of the bed and planted them on the cold wood flooring, and dropped his face down into his hands. This, was the first time he’d woken up in his new bed, not in one of the hotels or inns that were scattered across Aincrad. The first time he wasn’t surrounded by the sounds of people, npc and player alike, to drown out the emptiness. Rey felt his hands grow damp as his shoulders shook. And this time, alone in his home, he let it happen.  There was no one here he needed to cheer up, or reassure no one here he felt a need to put a brave front to. It was just him.

Only, him.

 

[Reytac 0]

His feet stung slightly as he walked across the rough wooden floor. He hadn’t bothered putting on even socks, or house shoes, instead going barefoot as he trudged towards the kitchen. He came to a stop in front of the sink, and leaned over to turn on the faucet and let it run for a moment. A slow, deep breath, and he cupped water in his hands to splash against his face. One hand reached out and blindly groped to find the hand towel that had been on the counter, and he blotted his face dry after a moment of letting the cold water sit there and drip from his beard and nose. He turned around and stared out at the empty kitchenette, barely big enough to cook in, and let out a soft sigh.

“I.. Just can’t get used to it, honey. I can’t get used to not seeing you. It’s… it’s hard.” His voice was soft, and he heard it crack as he spoke. “I keep wanting to talk with you. To see you, hear you laugh. I want to do stupid shit to make you smile, do ridiculous voices to make you call me a goof.” Rey reached up and rubbed his chest with one hand.

“I keep, I keep trying. I keep trying to help people, to keep myself busy. It’s – it’s all I can do. Because if I slow down.. I miss you. I miss you so much.”

 

[Reytac 0]

A different day.

Reytac staggered into his workshop and slumped down onto his bench, holding his right hand against his left shoulder, cursing out loud. He had been trying to do a fight against some of the mobs on one of the later floors – they all started started bleeding together, forest after forest. And he hadn’t been paying attention, when he really should have, his attention on one of the mobs he was fighting, a wolf, and another had leapt from behind him to clamp itaits maw down on his shoulder.

He had managed to fight it off, and take them both out, and staggered back to Town and into the teleporter to return home. But – it had been such a stupid, stupid move, going out on his own. This was a place where death was literally waiting with bated breath for someone to slip up, and he wasn’t like some of the others, still finding his footing. Rey swiped the items off of the work table and leaned onto it, then dug his nails into the wood.

It was a stupid move – but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care. It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter. There was no way she was out there, still, waiting on him after however many years had passed. His body out there was just going to be a husk, a shell, useless and withered away. He couldn’t bear the thought of her staying with him when he was like that. She deserved better. Not, not to be stuck waiting, if she even was, holding onto a hope of someone who may never come back.

At least.. At least if he died, and flatlined – she’d be free. Free to move on, if she hadn’t already. A surge of hot tears stung his eyes and he swiped his good arm across them, dashing them away before they could form.

 

[Reytac 0]

Reytac staggered into his home, exhaustion settling over his shoulders like a heavy blanket. He had made sure Teion got home safely, her significant other taking her with a grateful expression as Reytac helped him get her inside. She’d sobered up some after their trek through the stormy 29th floor, but not enough where Rey had felt safe letting her travel back alone.

No, going home, alone, was his burden to bear. He closed the door behind him and slumped against it, the rough wood of the door scratching at his back as he let his breath out in a sharp gasp. Talking with Teion had been – cathartic, but painful. She’d been so unsure of herself, until she slipped up and admitted to not knowing if she even wanted out anymore. . And even now, he couldn’t blame her. If she was in here, if he wasn’t in an empty home, an empty house, then maybe he might have felt differently. But there was no pestering about going to get sodas together, no messages through his day about how their cats were doing.

Just the empty hollow in his life where she was supposed to be. It was like a limb was missing, and every single time he thought he was adjusting to it, something happened that made the loss well up, the grief run rampant. He thumped his head back against the door and planted one hand on his face.

“How am I supposed to do this without you, honey?” He finally managed to say, and hearing his voice bounce around the empty cabin just made the ache in his chest worse.

 

[Reytac 0]

Reytac sat at his work table, one elbow planted on the wood and his chin propped in his palm. He was watching Aphrael, his new raven familiar, bounce around the workshop with short little hops, her beak pecking at the little tools and chains that he had scattered around the room. She was pecking at anything that caught her eye, and Reytac was content to just watch her.

“She’d love you, Aphrael.” The raven turned her head to look at him with one eye, the liquid orb shimmering under the light filtering through his window. Reytac managed a weak smile as he pressed on. The panic attack that Cascade had suffered – he’d helped her through more than one, and it had made him think of her again. The bird in front of him let out a raucous chirp, drawing him out of his thoughts. “Yeah, she’d love you. You’re smart and cheeky, but cuddly.” The bird preened herself a little at the praise, then hopped over and tucked herself on his lap, rubbing her head against his jaw.

“I wish I could have you meet her. She loves our cats, but she mentioned more than once about she wanted a bird. She would always say she wanted a parrot, but damn, I just know she’d love you to bits.” Rey started to stroke the ridge where Aphrael’s beak met her face, and the bird leaned into the touch gently, squawking softly as water fell onto the top of her head.

“She’d love you. She’d love you.” Reytac took in a shuddering breath. He held the bird against his chest, his arms tightening as he shook. Aphrael just pressed against him, letting out another squawk as she tried to reassure the man. 

 

[Reytac 0]

Halloween night. Reytac had gone around to various haunted houses, saying hello to some others – he’d even managed to meet one of his guild mates without realizing it. But now, the night was done, and he was sitting at his work table, nursing a drink slowly. Aphrael was out, flying around, so he was utterly by himself as he sat at the table.

“I hate this. I hate not being able to spend tonight with you. In-we should be watching horror movies and snuggled up under a blanket together, right now. I hate that I missed your birthday, again.” He took a long, slow drink from his drink – he didn’t even know what it was, just that it was something cheap and alcoholic. So it burnt, hard, as he took that drink, and stared down at the cup in his hands. “I hate that I wasn’t with you for mine. Every single day is bad enough, getting up without you beside me. But.. Our birthdays? Our anniversary? I…” He slumped down, his eyes watering and the tears falling down into the cheap alcohol.

He didn’t know how many special days he could keep missing before his heart tore itself apart. He hadn’t gotten out of his depression before their anniversary passed – he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad one. But now he had missed their birthdays and their favorite holiday – and soon he’d be missing Christmas, and valentine’s.

“Damn you, Kayaba. Damn. You.” He slumped over in his table, his head thunking against the wood.

 

[Reytac 0]

“I got to see dragons, today. I wish you were with me. The people I was with were.. Jaded? I think that’s a good word. They – they aren’t like me. They didn’t break down when all this started. They didn’t fail, not like me. They kept going. Fought for, what, years, now? Not like my pathetic ass, coming into the game late and still feeling like I can somehow help. They’ve been up there, on what we call the front lines, putting their lives at stake to try getting everyone out.” Reytac rubbed his face, his shoulders slumped down as he talked. At first he’d been a little excited, falling into his routine of telling her what he had gotten up to since he was last home – but the shift intk talking about the others has caught him off guard.

“We aren’t meant to live like that. Constantly fighting, risking death every day. They’re both so burnt out, tired – and they didn’t even fight together. This place, it.. It chews you up, and it spits you out as a soggy, discarded mess. I think they’re trying to put themselves back together, again, after losing people. But, how can you?” He took a second to pause.

“If.. Someone dies, in here. It’s not like, you can bury the body. You can’t – you can’t lean on your family. Yeah we have friends here. Well. Most of them do. Not.. Not me.” He curled his hand into a fist, his nails digging into his palm. “So if someone dies, they can mourn with their friends but – there’s no calling your mother, or sister, or brother, to hear a friendly voice that can offer you support. Just.. Someone else, stuck in the same hell, dealing with the same loss. It’s hard, to offer support, when you’re grieving too.” Reytac stared down at his workbench, his eyes unfocused.

“I saw dragons, today. I wish you did, too.”

 

 

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Reytac