KaraMitskune

Mitsu slowed down as she saw the girl enter into an alleyway. Quietly, she looked around the edge but didn't follow. She heard the girl singing a song. For the first time in a long time, a surge of complete fear ran up her. Her pupils dilated, and she backed away from the alleyway.

She fell to the ground for a minute, before regaining her posture. Randomly, she'd get surges of feelings. They only lasted around 10 seconds, though. Then she'd realize she was just pretending to be fearful. Afraid for the sake of feeling anything. So used to pretending to feel that she actually felt sometimes. But it didn't last wrong. Any feeling was just a play she put on to the world. She stood back up, her stance just like it had been before she had pretended to be scared.

Suddenly, the singing stopped. Mitsu looked again over to see the girl sitting calmly. If she looked closely though, Mitsu could make out the tears falling.

Too late.

Those were the only two words she thought, when she saw them cry. It was only a matter of time before they became exactly like Mitsu. At first it's only once in a while. And then one day, they wake up and there's nothing. Complete emptiness. No feelings at all.

It was shocking how much emotion one could give, and how little they could get in return. A fist came in contact with her nose, but it didn't hurt. They didn't actually punch her. Mitsu just stared at her, with no emotion and a blank face. When the girl started walking away, Mitsu saw other players staring at her. She didn't care, though.

Slowly, without making it obvious, Mitsu began to walk again. Nobody knew, but she was following the other girl. The one who'd yelled at her and reminded her of someone she used to be. Someone who she could never be again. Someone like Opal.

She sighed, remembering her best friend from 7th grade. The one who left. Was she even her friend? Who knew. No one. Did she care? Not really. It wouldn't matter anymore. The time was up. Now all she had to do was live. Now all she could do was live. Nothing else.

At this point, the people had gone back to their own business. Mitsu sped up a little bit, but nothing too noticeable. She could still see the cotton candy hair in the sea of people. Well, who couldn't. She was like a beacon with that hair.

Mitsu didn't care at all. She kept walking, in silence, all noise outside just ambient background noise to the silence that encompassed reality. Or, her reality at least. She saw emptiness in others' eyes. And yet she also saw colors. The colors were dull, though. They knew it wasn't true, but they still didn't believe.

In the middle of the road sat a girl. A girl with bright, cotton candy pink hair. But in her eyes Mitsu saw her own.

Mitsu stopped walking, in the middle of the road. Players and NPCs passed around her like she wasn't even there. The girl was in full color. The shades of gray silloetes that were people. But she was different.

Like Mitsu, she had something about her that Mitsu noticed. An air of "I don't care". But it wasn't true. She cared about her reputation. Mitsu knew this because at one point in her life, she had those girl's eyes. She way like her.

Slowly Mitsu started walking again, never taking her eyes off of the girl in the road. As she passed her, Mitsu locked her eyes on the girl's, hoping they would notice. 

What was it with all the blonde people? Seriously, Mitsu was the only person who didn't have light hair. Another optimist, she guessed as another person joined the growing group, from the naive look on her face. But, like everyone, her eyes were empty. Full of nothing.

Barely acknowledging the newcomer, Mitsu looked back up at the birds. They all paused in mid-air, for a moment that couldn't have been any more than a millisecond, and then continued flying again. But she still noticed. A glitch. A lag. Even a perfect world had its flaws. Suddenly they all stopped chirping for a second, and then flew off together in a bee-line for a far away tree. The sky was silent again, only for the ambient noise of the wind and the trees.

The roads turned and ended in dead ends, but Mitsu just turned around and continued walking. She saw no point in stopping. No point i continuing. No point in anything. Mitsu. Didn't. Care. She didn't care about anything. Specifically herself.

Well, she did care. She cared about the people who reminded her of herself. She never, ever, wanted them to become like her. Those were the only people she cared about. But she didn't care about herself. She wouldn't care if she died. As long as she didn't commit suicide obviously. Because that would hurt anyone close to her. Like her parents. She did care about them, and she knew they were trying their hardest to care about her, but Mitsu didn't want care. She wanted to be alone. She hated the love they gave her. But she cared about them, as people. 

SAO was like a miny exit. If she really wanted to, there were plenty of mobs outside the city that would be happy to take a bite out of her. Sometimes, though, she wondered if death was the answer. She told herself it was too much effort to drag herself out the city to die. But sometimes she wondered if that was only an excuse for the scared parts of her mind who truly didn't want to die. Either way, she'd still hate herself. Either for being a coward, or for just being there.

Mitsu walked alone, or so she thought, down an alleyway. Since the beginning of the game, she'd never actually left a safe zone. Not because she was afraid, but because she didn't care much anymore. Live or die, kill or be killed, she didn't care anymore. Life was a circle and, unluckily, it wasn't close to breaking.

Mitsu felt nothing, not even the feeling of her feet as they hit the ground. It was like everything, even her emotions were numb. Numb from nothing. Not many people seemed to notice the pain that was caused from the emptiness that really lied in someone. She saw it everywhere. In people eyes she saw emptiness. Somewhere down, everyone knew that they were wrong about things. That some of the things they hoped were impossible. It showed, but they still went on believing. Because they would be able to shove those feelings aside. Unlike Mitsu, who learned the hard way that curiosity could kill more than just cats.

Why did she ask? 

Not even Mitsu knew. For some reason, she just wondered. Perhaps she wondered how insignificant, or significant, they were compared to the articulate world that was stretched out over the world of SAO. Or maybe not. Maybe it was just another random thought out of random thoughts that meant nothing but to be random thoughts.

She sighed, ignoring Hunie's first question. "My username is KaraMitskune. I go by Kara." Out of the corner of her eye, Mitsu say a few others join in. First came another blonde girl. She commented on the birds' songs.

Everything was different. That's what made it so hard to understand. Nothing was ever predictable, even in a game. That's what made everything so hard. No matter how hard Mitsu searched, there would never be anything exactly the same as anything else. But then again, she didn't care. She only cared about finding something before she woke up. Woke up from her once beautiful world. Now even the colors were dull. Even the song of the virtual birds had become ambient noise to the silence.

The next was a white haired boy, who seemed too "happy". He gave a small fox plushie to the new girl, the one with the views on birds.

Mitsu cleared her throught, before looking up at the boy. For a minute, she was shocked. Maybe shocked wasn't the right word, because she wasn't shocked. She wasn't surprised either. But she felt surprised. From all her time pretending, she'd begun to almost feel. Which she wasn't actually feeling.

His eyes weren't happy. Or sad. They were excited. She guessed that's what it was. But there was something else. Something she couldn't quite make out. He was smart. She'd seen that look once before, and it had been on her. But she didn't want to remember it. 

It would be best it she stayed away from him. Mitsu knew what would come of something like that. She'd seen it, she'd done it, before. She wasn't ready to replay that part of her past again.

Mitsu barely noticed the blonde sit down beside her, until she spoke. Her question had been heard. She looked up at the birds again, as they repeated the same flight pattern again, before looking slightly to her side. 

"I was questioning the habits of the birds. How many pixels does a virtual bird take up?" She found herself asking the question again, without meaning to. Once again, Mitsu found herself thinking about the birds. How she would be so alike to them. Without feelings or anything. 

But she was not like the birds. For the birds did not have to feel the only thing that was left once the feelings were gone. The birds didn't have to feel the emptiness that inhabited one once they lost all emotion. Sometimes, Mitsu wished she were one of them.

Mitsu watched, sitting on the same bench in front of the same empty park she'd been at only a few days before. Looking at the same nest in the same tree. Watching the same bird. Once again she thought that she'd be better off like the virtual birds in the virtual trees. The virtual birds who felt no pain. Who felt no happiness or sadness or pain. Mitsu would fit in perfectly with the virtual birds.

It was a colorless world. Even the things that seemed like they could bring color into the world, only brought more darkness to Mitsu's painting of reality. Every coloring book was filled with different colors. Until one saw Mitsu's. It was one color. Everywhere.

Black.

In an attempt to stop her from changing, she made sure her reality couldn't change too. The color black cannot be made to be any other color. That was her reasoning, then. Never did she think it would go as far as it did. Never did she think it would become the reason she loved the virtual birds so much. The virtual birds that reminded her of herself.

How many pixels of space does a bird take?

Mitsu found herself wondering the same unanswerable question again.

"How many pixels of space does a bird take?", she asked aloud. As far as she was concerned, no one was there. But who knew. Mitsu could call it stress relief if anyone asked.

Mitsu yawned. A usual custom, even when it wasn't anytime close to night. Her message bar had just received a message, and she was contemplating reading it or not. Quickly, though, she clicked on the message to spare her mind of the arguments.

It was a message out to all under-leveled players. How very kind.

Okay she guessed it was kinda cool. Free crap for under-leveled players? I mean, who could go wrong with that? It was community service.

Mitsu laughed at her own joke. That wasn't even a witty comment let alone a joke. But it got her to laugh none the less. 

Dragging herself over to the blacksmith who had sent out the message, she found her way into the huge line of players that wound up in front of the really tall ( 7 feet? Mitsu guessed) blacksmith. Mitsu grabbed her one-handed straight sword out of a sheath at her pocket and swung it around a bit. Carefully not to chop anyone's head (or any other vital part of body) off, of course. She'd never used it, but it would be cooler to have something less... you know... basic. It wasn't like she cared if she won or lost in the game anymore.

That was the first point. When one is hurt. Usually they stop, because it hurt. Some, though, don't. No, a better way to say that would be some can't. Some have to live with it. CoughcoughcoughMitsucoughcoughcough. The past begins to hurt. But no one can let go of that. No matter how hard they try it just keeps on returning. There's nothing they can do about it. It's a person's shadow. A shadow of what made them who they are. It's a part of them they can't let go no matter how hard they try. It's a part of them.

Yuki was starting off on the wrong track. It's the people who accept that pain is a part of life and continue living as if it weren't there that get to live. Get to live a happy, ignorant, beautiful life. Mitsu still wasn't sure what was worse, knowing or living in pure ignorant bliss. Both sounded pretty awful to her. 

Scratch that.

It didn't sound awful. Nothing did. She was just pretending like it was awful. She'd rather feel sick than feel nothing at all. Unluckily, sometimes what she'd "rather" is not possible. Well, most of the time.

Maybe it was time Mitsu gave up. Stopped trying to save people from becoming that she did. Because when they either become like her, or they become ignorant, it's live they've created a scar on Mitsu. Either way, there will always be a bad outcome. Even if she did manage to get them not to become like her, they would go off to become like everyone else. Either way, there's a bad outcome. And it leaves a scar, that creates no pain but only reminds Mitsu of the memory every time she sees it. That is like pain to Mitsu. But it's not pain. She hadn't felt that in a long time.

Still hiding her smile. Mitsu sighed. It was almost a smile. Followed by guilt. What was it with her.

Hey, it was better than smiling without happiness. Mitsu's style of smile.

"Sure, that works." Mitsu said, as she started walking. Many things about Yuki reminded her of someone she used to know. Also known as someone who used to be her, but is no longer anything like her. Yet Mitsu still felt the connection to her. It was different. Like a big-sister-little-sister relationship. Okay, that was a bad way of putting it. Mitsu coughed, hiding her laughter to her own stupid joke.

(( OOC: Tally's explained in like the first or second paragraph of Mitsu's journal for SAO (Click for Journal). She's in Juvenile right now. ))

Did she know her?

The question passed Mitsu's mind as she stared at Yuki who seemed deep in thought. It depended. Who was she and who was her? Was Mitsu she and Yuki her? Or Yuki she and Mitsu her? It would make a big difference. Wouldn't that be funny. No, no it wouldn't. Nothing's funny. It wouldn't make a big difference anyways. Mitsu stopped being judgemental for the crimes people committed or just about anything else the day she woke up without feelings.

Mitsu knew that expression. In fact, she'd used it before. There was a glint in Yuki's eyes that nearly made Mitsu's heart stop. She hadn't seen that in a long time. She wasn't expecting to see it again, and definitely not in a game. Her eyes weren't empty, like all the others'. Surprise surprise.

But it didn't make Mitsu's heart nearly stop. She just made it feel like she felt it. In fact, she felt barely anything. Only pretended so it felt real. Pretending for so long it almost felt real. How funny. That never seemed to happen in a play. Mitsu almost smirked. That was a story for another time.

Mitsu raised her eyebrows, and smirked. "You sure? I thought you were a flying squirrel for a second." Sarcasm was a beautiful thing. Well, not really. Everything was just the same small level of beauty. But sarcasm sure was helpful. 

Yuki.

For some reason the first thing she thought of was her old "friend" Tally. Who knows why, but it just did. When she says old "friend", she means like old friend new enemy. If that makes sense. Tally was once her friend, who accidentally became her killer. Metaphorical killer. Killer of her mind.

"Okay, Yuki." Mitsu said, tipping her head toward the left. She was smiling, but not really. Like usual, it was an accident. She'd gotten so used to pretending it was almost real even to her. But it wasn't. It never would be.

There was something about her. A look in her eyes. A look on her face. Everytime she smiled she stopped. And looked away. It was like she was hiding her happiness. Or hiding something else. In her eyes, Mitsu saw guilt. But she didn't know why. But Mitsu knew those questions would have to wait.

Like usual, Mitsu was just wandering. In and out of different alleyways, wasting time. What better was there to do, anyways? Absolutely nothing. There was a bit of a commotion, but she didn't mind. In fact, it reminded her a lot of earlier. Mitsu found her way under a roof, before hearing a noise that sounding like a player Mitsu knew from above. She sighed. Yuki.

She looked up at the roof, but saw no one. "Hey?" She asked, not really yelling. Just making enough noise for someone to hear her. "Yuki, is that you?" She asked again.

What did she want. 

It was less of a question, and more of a statement. Like all other things, she could not see the answer. Therefore she did not look for one. Mitsu's eyes narrowed. Her username was KaraMitskune. How did someone get her real name out of that? 

Plain luck. She doesn't know.

Mitsu relaxed. "Sure, that's fine with me. I'm not calling you Ms. Lighting or whatever, though." Mitsu couldn't help smirking at her own joke. Well, it wasn't much of a joke. Not even a witty statement. If one looked deep into that statement, they wouldn't find any humor. Just another bland statement that meant pretty much nothing. Like most words said by others.

Too late.

Those were the only two words Mitsu thought when Yuki finished her story. In fact, it was better than Mitsu's. Which may sound ironic, as her life seemed almost perfect to any onlooker. But it wasn't. In fact, her life was probably worse than those of people who get stuck in terrible families. Because there didn't seem to be a reason for Mitsu to act up. Where as for Yuki, there was a reason.

The virtual bird stood on the edge of the nest and flew away. Mitsu asked herself how many pixels of space one bird took up. But, like most things, she couldn't answer.

She leaned back against the back of the bench. She took her eyes away from the virtual nest on a virtual tree without a virtual bird, and returned herself to the conversations. "That sounds horrible." She mustered to say, wondering how someone with such a one-tracked story could come to the same conclusion as she had. Oh what she would give for Yuki's life..

"Like I said, making you feel alive but making you wish you were dead. Am I right?"

"YukiSuzuki?" Mitsu asked, confirming her name. "You remind me of someone I used to know." She said, looking down at her hands which were lain on her lap. "Someone who changed, and who cannot ever change back." Of course, this person was herself. Her past self. She could never refer to them as a part of her anymore. They were so different, they were like two different people. So that's how she refered to them. "You, are like them. Before they changed." Mitsu looked up, but not at Yuki. At a tree. Up in the tree there was a virtual bird. A virtual bird in a virtual nest in a virtual tree. The virtual bird whistled, but it got no answer. But the virtual bird felt no sorrow or hurt. The virtual bird felt nothing. Sometimes Mitsu believed that she belonged in a virtual world. She would fit in with the birds. The birds with no feelings.

"I have two things to say to you. One : Keep fighting. Every step of your life there will be a new enemy. A new obstacle. And you have to fight them. Two : Killing doesn't do you any good. It may make remind you that you are alive, but later it will make you wish you were dead."

Those were words she'd told herself long ago. The day she picked up the knife. The day she first slid it across her left arm, cutting deep. The first day she felt nothing. No pain, so sadness, no anger. The day she picked up the knife, and put it in her back pack. She thought about it all during class and all during break. But at the end of the day she knew. The very words she spoke to her, were the words that she saw as true.

Mitsu paused, to look around at her surroundings. She saw an empty park area, and that was pretty much all. Mitsu was happy about the "empty" part. Walking, slower now, Mitsu walked over and sat on a bench that was slightly in the entrance to the park. Waiting for Yuki. There was something she needed to talk to her about.

And the outcomes had already been laid out. It was all up to the roll of a die or a flip of a coin. Or, in less words, it was up to luck.

Mitsu was right. Yuki did follow her, but indirectly. Mitsu felt a pang of guilt, a feeling she hadn't felt in over a year. In fact, it was pretty much the only feeling she'd felt in a while. Mitsu remembered that day clearly. The day she woke up, and she couldn't feel anything anymore.

It had been a dry Summer's day, June... 7th? Yes, June 7th. The days that had been leading up to that day had been depressing, and she had skipped school most days of the weeks beforehand. Her parents didn't know, though. But this day was different. She woke up, and she could barely even feel her muscles move as she walked. It was like she was numb. Everywhere. The only thing she felt was in her chest. In her heart. It felt like there was a hole. Everytime she took a breath, there it was. A big, empty, hole. Smack in the middle of her heart. And she couldn't get rid of it. From that day on, she never understood the jokes her friends made. But she laughed anyway. She never understood the tears one shed. But she tried to comfort them anyway. From that day on, she never understood why people were so afraid of death. It seemed like it was nearly the same as living. To her. All the time, and effort, and pain, she'd put into learning about the ways people saw different realities or black and white and gray. None of it mattered after that day. After that day, nothing mattered.

That was the day she gave up slashing at the empty battlefield. That was the day she accepted that there was nothing she was fighting. It was all imaginary. All a figment of her imagination, to make her believe that she could have a reason. That reason was to win a war. But there never was a war. She had always been hoping. Hoping for a war.

And now she had it. But it was too late. Because it was after the day that the battle didn't matter. After the day that none of it mattered.

And she didn't want Yuki to become like she did.

(OOC : Afraid of change, eh? You really do sound like me when I was younger..)

Mitsu paused in her footsteps, to hear if Yuki was following. If Yuki was like her, as she thought, she wouldn't directly follow. She'd probably walk away, but end up following in a way that no one else noticed. Because following another player would also be considered a sign of weakness. A sign of following, and not individualism. Mitsu used to enjoy the term "loner". Perhaps Yuki was the same.

Mitsu continued, not even caring if someone noticed her pause. The difference between her and Yuki was that Mitsu gave up. So far, Yuki hadn't. She'd made it that far, and hopefully she didn't fall into the same trap Mitsu did. In fact, Mitsu believed that the constant fight that would be SAO might actually help her. But it didn't make a difference to Mitsu. Not anymore. Hopefully Yuki wouldn't go as far as Mitsu. Maybe that was why she invited her to a party. To make sure Yuki didn't become like her. In a way, it was like Mitsu almost cared about her. But truthfully, it was all selfish. Mitsu didn't want to watch another person become like her. She didn't want to watch as their eyes closed, only to open up empty. She didn't want to see that again.

Opal.

That name flashed through her mind, and she thought of Yuki. The two were nearly the same, give or take a few traits. There were two outcomes to them being "friends". One being Mitsu stopped Yuki from becoming like her. Two, being Mitsu failed. And Yuki fell into the same trap that took Opal. But the pain form the choice she had to make was gone. The choice didn't effect her anymore. Not like it used to, at least. Maybe it didn't matter which outcome played through. But Mitsu wished it did. Mitsu wished she could feel the pain of others once again. And in the same way she didn't.

What a pain.

Maybe. I don't know many people yet, so I don't know exactly what you mean when you say "social thing". 

A common case of embarrassment. Mitsu'd seen many people like Yuki. In fact, she herself used to act a lot like her. When she was younger, she wanted to be known as the bad kid. Rebelious, uncontrollable, even violent sometimes. When she showed anyone her weak side, her caring side, she would get embarrassed and snap at people. So Mitsu knew this reaction very well.

Mitsu lifted herself up, rubbing the water swelling at her eyes from laughing, and then smirked again. "I would hope your a living being. I mean, if you weren't I'd wonder." Mitsu cocked her head slightly to the left, barely fazed by the fact that she'd just yelled at the top of her lungs to the whole world. And then Mitsu yawned. 

Subtly, though, Mitsu swipped her hands through the air. Her menu popped up. Calming, as not to look suspicious, Mitsu invited Yuki to a party. Not that Mitsu wanted to work with her, but as a gesture of understanding. Then Mitsu propped her hands behind her head, and began to walk forward leaving Yuki slightly behind her to get her message. For some reason, Mitsu felt like she could trust Yuki. Not that she seemed trustworthy at all, but because she reminded Mitsu of who she used to be. The person she could never be again. And for some reason, that was comforting to her.

Mitsu kept a blank expression as the pink girl, Ms. Lightning, strode up next to her. Of course, she'd seen Mitsu watching them. In all honesty, though, Mitsu hadn't even been watching them. She'd noticed them as she was passing by. That's barely anything to be harassed about. But then again, she couldn't call walking up to someone and accusing them a harassement. Or was that even an accusation? Mitsu didn't know.

"I've seen worse than people hugging eachother." Mitsu said, knowing full well that's not what she meant. Mitsu was trying hard not to smirk, and maybe it showed, but she tried to stop herself. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that," She said, as she slowed down and started snickering under her breath. She didn't mean to be rude, it was just funny all of a sudden. Her checks puffed out as she couldn't control the need to laugh.

"Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" She started laughing, doubling over. "Sorry," She managed to say through laughs, "Sometimes I get the urge to just laugh, I'm not trying to be rude," She told the pink girl. But she still kept on laughing.

(OOC : Plus, Candy Man Lazarus, if anyone's hair looks like cotton candy, it's Yuki's.)