[F17-SP] A decision made with a heavy heart

[Hestia 0]

Gazing over the town of Athenea from the top of the mountain that the NPCs use do their prayer and worship towards the gods of this land. i smile rather happily as i do so from the fondness i hold of the floor from the fact that it is based on the mythology i have loved. Gazing over the place where i had met the rather nice girl that i spent a small time chatting with who had seemed like good enough person to meet and talk to. The girl who i had met upon this mountain whose details escape my thoughts. ‘I wonder how she is even doing..what is her name again though? All i can remember is that adorable skittish fox familiar she had with her. Also, that strength of hers that seemed to dominate absolutely within seconds.’ I think to myself casually when thinking of the last time i was here as i gaze over the town thinking back to the fact that the girl had taken on two loot minimum mobs and one shot them each seemingly. While sitting upon the grassy hillside my familiar is laying right beside me with his head upon my lap with his gaze looking up towards my face. I would slowly lean myself back till i am laying down on the side of the hill while gazing at the drifting clouds that lazily float through the sky above me. My left leg bent upwards creating a nice little spot for my familiar to rest his head upon in the sense of using it like a little pet bed of some sort. My right hand moves up towards the sky as i lazily swipe into the air as i see the menu pop up as my fingers drift through the options “inventory” “Skill list” “equipment” “friends list” “---”. Gazing upon the last option hurts even if ever so slightly still now to know that i am stuck here and can’t just escape this hell scape where people disappear as frequently as one could breathe the air. To disappear and not be able to get into contact with them no matter how hard you tried, that could just disappear like bits of data into the void with not even knowing their reasons why. That no matter how hard one could try that people will change and you could lose all your friends around you because of doing what you think is right. For thinking things that slightly differ from someone else that can ruin the opportunity for victory, but at the same time try to secure it. That the people of this world only care for trying to get stronger and that they’re willing to hurt others growth just for some kind of monetary gain. Some gain that they could easily get themselves and just want some stupid economy like function in this game. That they’d do this even if it could get others killed if they had those items to use rather than the basic items at their disposal. That people would do that instead of being like Zandra and giving a weapon that didn’t work for her anymore and handing it off to someone who could which was Teion.

 

Slowly i let my hand unclench the grass i was holding without realizing that. My right hand letting go of the grass as i would slowly raise the hand in question and gaze at it. Slow i would  uncurl my fingers and look down solemnly as i slowly calm the aggression i was feeling about the whole situation. My thoughts slowly drifting from that to other topics, issues that this world seems to create that can so easily send oneself into ruin with the people around them. Thinking on the loss of my mentor and first friend in this world, to my choices within this game that lead to him leaving and myself not able to talk to him. To myself losing my apprentice seemingly from having not heard from Black in the longest time and having faded into the wind seemingly but not dead since his name isn’t on the monument and he walked out of the Miraak fight.  ‘What happened to sticking around and passing on the gear i gifted you?’ I think to myself solemnly and a bit bitterly as i can feel the slowly threatening edges of tears as i slowly focus more and more on those i had met and promptly lost to the sands of times. Reinhardt the sturdy fighter that was willing to partake in quests above his level to try and catch up to us on the frontlines. ‘Havok...it’s been so long since i thought about him, or Kyoto. The two that i first thought of maybe making a guild with..just..me either drifting from them or them disappearing on me. Havok i hope you're safe wherever you are. Please be for my sake.’ i think to myself as i can feel my hand clenching once more for forgetting someone who was once important in my life in Aincrad. A person that i could’ve counted on to save my life like i have saved his on multiple occasions. The person who was my DPS buddy, the person who was like Beat, if i could be seen as Shield.  Morgenstern the once tank that i could’ve looked up to for being a solid example now having become solitary seemingly. The man being someone i can’t even get into contact with from not being able to message him from him being gone on my friends list as well. The person who gave me some lessons in how to tank within the room for the monument of life. A person who i have tried to surpass and have in some aspects while also making sure to never forget where i have started. ‘Crozeph who disappeared during that Banshee quest..thankfully Tel was their to save me from my own stubbornness. Kairi, Spencer, Kimi.’ Everyone i meet just slowly disappears or just leaves me seemingly. No matter how hard i try. I whisper out as tears start to freely fall from my eyes and slowly upon my familiar who looks up at me. I can slowly feel gentle licks at my face as i just wrap my arms around Kuro and holds him closely to me as i openly weep as tears slowly stain his fur as i can hear him slowly whimper and howl alongside me. I can barely even choke out any words to say despite myself wanting to say something to try and cheer him up, but not even having the emotional strength to do so for myself. As i think on those people i would call friends that seemingly drift and stay to themselves or have vanished shortly after me meeting them. ‘What’s the point in fighting if everyone i meet leaves me. I am a tank that is meant to protect those i care for, but what can i say is something i can care for if they don’t return it. What can i care for if all i care for leaves me eventually.’ I think solemnly as i continues crying as my face is against my familiar’s fur. The weight of that hitting me as i think on the guild that was meant to be a family drifting away seemingly.

 

I smile sadly as i slowly try to get a control of my emotions as i try to grab enough air to steady myself only to find it catching ever so slightly. Causing my breath to hitch and more so stutter ever so slightly as i try to steady it to stop myself from crying, and failing miserably as i can still feel the weight of my emotions in my chest and fester within me. ‘Itzal is gone, Morg is gone, I don’t hangout with Spencer, Ryo, Jomei, Tel...anybody from my guild cause i can’t get into contact seemingly. I thought they were meant to be like a family.’ I think to myself as i hug my familiar tightly as i slowly gaze upwards through tear lidded eyes making everything look hazy or more so blurry. Only Ruby has stayed around really and wanting to hangout...maybe i should just. Get my own house. Get my own guild. Find a new family i can count on. I say softly to myself as i rest my head upon my familiar. ‘I can’t trust anyone really. I know i can trust Zandra at the very least. She has put so much faith in my abilities, Ruby as well. I don’t know about anyone else though. Maybe Hikoru. I think i lost favor with Shield’s group though.’ Stupid hypocrite. I mumble softly to myself as i think back to the labyrinth fight on F24. “Big Damn Heroes”. Says the man wanting to solo F23 by yourself with beat so why don’t you shut up. Thinking you can do things by yourself as the big damn heroes you are huh. If you’re so heroic go fight F24 by yourself.  I mutter out bitterly as i think upon the stupid arrogant tank who thinks he knows everything. They are all set in their ways. I just need to make sure that i take control of things from now on. I started a police force, and if Shield wants to create a strike force, i’ll make my own to counter his. I say as i tighten my fist as i look towards the sky and than open up my menu once more as i go to the guild page.

 

I hover over a button i wouldn’t want to press. At the very least, a button i wouldn’t have wanted to press when i first joined this group, but now is seen as my only option if i want to continue forward without any issues. Biting my lower lip i look at the leave guild button that i see before me as i find myself hesitating to press the button before me. ‘What would the others think of me doing this without any warning? Would...would Ruby leave my side if i did this? Would Kimi? Is..is this a right decision? Will i lose everything i cared for if i do this right here. Right now.’ I think to myself as i look at the button and what it can mean to me if i dared to actually press it. To leave behind a group of people that i have gotten to know on at least a somewhat personal level...if that really. Finding myself slowly hard pressed to think of things i’ve done with them that have allowed me to even get to know them beyond just surface details. Having only fought with them in a group setting. Having not done much and seemingly just dropping off the face of the earth. Having only the memories of the mansion event with them, the valentine party that i was barely there for that was short lived, the valentine event where i danced with Kimi. I find myself smiling and chuckling a bit at that and how awkward it was, but felt right during that moment to be with her. The small rewards we got from winning that even if we only joined cause it seemed like a funny idea since to at least myself we weren't that well known wen compared to Shield, and Jomei, Beat, and Tel. The small time where we worried about her adorable familiar when we were doing that Cerberus quest. 'Seems like i only really know Kimi honestly from the time i spent with her.' I think to myself that i can't think of much besides that though..i haven’t done much besides those quests with the other members that weren't Kimi. Which were business more so than anything else...I’m sorry Tel, Kimi, Jomei, Spencer, Ryo. But..i think i have to do this. I whisper out softly as my hand drifts forward towards the prompt. Closing my eyes with a shaky hand i hit the button as i watch as a new text box pop up in front of my eyes. “By Pressing This Button You Are Leaving the Holy Dragon’s Alliance. Are you certain you wish to do this? Yes. No.” Gazing at the two buttons i once more move to  hit the NO button as my hand hovers over it but for just a second as hesitation grips my heart. Ruby..i hope this doesn’t make you leave me like the rest did. I whisper out softly as i hit the button as i than break down into tears once more as i gaze towards the ground as tears fall freely. I..i hope this helps you Jomei. At the very least what i do won’t affect your guild’s name. I hope we can stay friends. I say with a shaky voice as i cry upon the grassy hilltop within the town of Athenea as the weight of my actions weigh upon my heart. To know that i could have just lost a group i called a family forever, and that i can only move forward and hope like always that my actions are the right ones. That the people that i call family and friends can only forgive me for doing what i believe is right. With the sudden slight horror as i realize for a split moment that i can maybe understand Domarus’ old perspective even if just a fraction of it. That it might be necessary to be the villain of the story to do what is necessary to help others achieve some kind of peace within their heart and mind. To be hated by everything just so those that despise you and leave you to rot may one day see some kind of peace. That to do what might be right is to leave those you love to become what you hate, and that you can only hope that those who hate you forgive you by the end.

 

Come on Kuro. We need to find us a new family, new friends. It’s time to make a new guild in Aincrad. One that will be filled with a family that sticks around. Filled with people i can count on. I say in a shaky voice and slightly cold voice as i slowly get up onto my legs and overlook the town of Athenea before slowly making my way once more down towards the center. My eyes and face red from the tears that have stained them. The former tank of the Holy Dragon’s Alliance now all by her lonesome with no guild family to call her own. Only knowing of two people that she can possibly trust with her life within this game, and the hope that maybe a new group can be formed. That this time that things can be done correctly, that this time things can be done with the hope of never having anyone face what she is right now. The fear of being by themselves, the depression of leaving a family behind in hopes of finding a new one. To find someone who will stick around and fight with you forever even if it is to the bitter end. ‘Even if such a end would be to spite the people who think themselves correct, to spite the hypocrites and Bas*****s of this game.’ I think to myself as i gaze forward while moving without any stop towards the direction of the teleporter to make my way towards my shop to prep what is necessary for items that can be free for others to use.