[SP-F4] A Woman's Worth.

[Flints 0]

"This is insane. I'm insane. I promised myself I would go this alone.." Flints quickly ran through the snowy floor she called home. She ran to the city, where she had taken refuge for over a year now. As she got closer she felt her heart get heavy with the burden of all she had come to know. She saw herself on the glass of shops she passed, her sleek scaled armor gave a slight shimmer with her moments, it made her silent from how thin it was. She couldn't help but admire the powerful set. But this wasn't suited for her home floor, despite her constantly warm self she too got cold every now and then. She equipped her wolf armor again and pulled the hood on her head to keep the winds off her face. She stopped short of the two doors she realized she had quickly approached. She saw Antillian already waiting for her between the two. "Ah. Antillian..what mess your master has made.."

[Flints 0]

Flints stared blankly at the doors. Endilix was probably just settling in for the night, wondering where his brother and mate were. Probably waiting for them to stop by and for her to tell him all about their triumphant win. And her heavy damage dealing. As she did like to gloat. He was probably waiting for her to come home. She kept thinking. This had been home for a while now, she wasn't wondering Aincrad like some nomadic person anymore, sleeping only when her body was too exhausted to go on, eating only when her stomach pained as if she was really starving. She laughed remembering how she lived on floor one for the longest time, just going back and forth trying to keep from killing herself on accident. As she stared at the door she remembered all the times before she took it for granted, her home. She closed her eyes and faintly heard the sound of Endilix clicking the lock, not that he was actually doing it, but from memory. When she opened her eyes she imagined what she saw the first time she came to this floor, the beautiful sky. It was dark and dotted with millions of stars, the image of the sky and Endilix's soft features kept crossing her mind as she remembered staring up into his eyes in a daze. She clung to his body tightly as he carried her and laid her upon the couch so that she could rest after meeting his brother for the first time. She smirked a little, finally snapping out of her daze. She looked to Emerath's door and scoffed, raising an eyebrow at herself as she considered stepping into his domain. 

Edited November 15, 2015 by Flints

[Flints 0]

She starred blankly at the door, Antillian let out a low, somber howl. It irked her in ways she couldn't explain, she thought about how Antiliian probably wanted to enter the shop and pad up to Emerath and get pets, all whilst glaring at Endilix from across the room. She snickered at the thought but quickly stopped and felt a lump began to form in her throat, the more she tried to clear it the more her throat tightened painfully till finally she gave a small gasp. She remembered begging Endilix to let her meet his brother and friend teion who, untill recent events she assumed was male. She had expected Emerath to be just like Endilix. Boy was she wrong. The only thing similar was looks, even then they had some noticeable differences. But most of all flints remembered her first meeting with Emerath. Just like she had done to Endilix, she challenged him. She challenged his meaning of self worth. She didn't respect his craft. She didn't consider him a real warrior, as she thought of most support. Nothing but unskilled in the way of battle.  She winced a little and pressed her hand to her chest and remembered how hard she pushed him with her words, he pushed back with sheer force. That force was enough to catch her attention. And earn her respect. Since then she tried to show her worth to Emerath. To show him she meant business. She scowled at the door and clenched her fists. "Are you kidding me? Why the hell am I thinking about this." her thoughts moved to her and Emerath trying to get her acquainted with herself in game and to get her the martial arts skill. He was so supportive of her. Quickly her mind shot to how kind he had become, how comfortable they had become compared to their first meeting. It was almost as if he was starting to love her as much as Endilix loved her. "That's impossible..." She whispered. Thinking of all their sparring sessions and training. Them helping eachother get familiars. Most of all she remembered how he treated her. With nothing but respect.

"but why did you get so mad at Tristan..what are you afraid of Emerath..." She whispered. She turned her back on the doors and began to walk away from them, following nothing but the sound of her blood pulsing in her ears.

[Flints 0]

The more flints walked the colder the world felt, Antillian followed her and tried his best to keep up, he flanked her and occasionally whined the further away they got from home. "It's okay love, I have some thinking to do...we might have to go on a little trip. I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me some day." Flints bit her lip as she began to shiver, the unmistakable feeling of her eyes filling to the brim with the salty concoction she was getting to know all to well tonight. The snow hit her cheeks more and more with each step, finally she realized where she had wondered off to, "starglade.." She whispered. She walked up to an outcropping of large stones and sat at the throne it made. She hid in the shadow of its large back, curling up to herself and began to cry. She whimpered and whined for all that she couldn't control, for the change that was upon her. She slammed her fists hard down onto the slick stone and cried out in anger. Images of her and Endilix flashed behind her eyelid, she cried out more in desperation and confusion. "You idiot. Where are you. I need you now, I need you to know I'm sorry okay, I need you to know that I'm scared...Endilix...I'm scared. You were supposed to protect me you idiot. You were supposed to keep me from wondering off, from getting curious. From falling In love!"  Flints gasped at herself. What was she thinking? What was she saying! Falling in..love? Did she really know the meaning. She pulled at her hair and snarled at herself and she kicked aimlessly at the slick rock beneath her. "Endilix why did you let me be so free. Promise me you will always protect me..promise me no matter what happens you know I'll always be here for you and Emerath. Endilix...gods dammit Endilix. I'm terrified to love... I'm terrified to lose you. Why aren't you here...this is why.." Flints was red from all the crying and shouting into the stars was she worth all their pain? Was she worth their beautiful words?

[Flints 0]

Flints threw herself back, knocking her head into the Rock and accepting her stupid action and laid still against the bottom of it, staring out at Antillian who sat as a guard across the clearing. She watched his golden eyes as they glowed, he blurred in her version many times before she gave into exhaustion. When she opened her eyes again she imagined her mate watching her from the rocks, reaching for her and kissing her like he had their first kiss. She squeezed her eyes tightly as more tears fell, her chest began to rise and fall rapidly as she wailed out into the sky again. Fighting with every ounce of her soul. "Where are you now. Where are the people I trust...." She stared out into the darkness, her eyes a dim, muddy green, the eyes of a defeated creature. "I'm alone in this fight.." She whispered. She kept her eyes to the darkness, accepting it. This place that held so much happy memories made her ache. Ache with the very memories that made it special oddly enough. Just when she thought the tears were done she whined and began to cry again. She thought about Damian. And how he didn't even stand a chance in all this, Aincrad had swallowed him whole, she made a silent promise to make sure he didn't get himself killed. Maybe if he just stayed in town and didn't move things would be fine. She thought about their childhood, about how close they used to be. She laughed at his reaching out for her in game, he hated games. But he was giving it a shot for her, little did he know the world would kick him in the pants and make it a death game he couldn't win. She sighed and thanked him for trying, even if his ways were unconventional. She some how felt he deserved at least a little recognition. He only ventured out enough to meet her and then retreat back to wherever he stayed. She thought about the huge scar on his back he earned outside of Aincrad. And how it was all her fault. If only she had been weaker. She laughed at the thought. They were children. She knew not of the consequences he faced for letting her grow. "But am I worth it..?" She whispered again before looking back up, letting the snow melt against her face.   

Edited November 16, 2015 by Flints

[Flints 0]

Flints tried to lift herself off the rock but had no more motivation, she collapsed into it and when limp, no whining, no wailing. Just silence. She stayed like this for what felt like hours, the cold was seeping into her clothing and she wondered if she would start to take damage from the cold. At this point she didn't care. She heard Antillian's soft padding and his nails clink against the rocks, soon she felt his warm fur against her, she squeezed him tightly. "I'm so sorry..." She whispered into his fur.  

[Flints 0]

A chill ran down her spine, the cold made her body jolt and her eyes fluttered between open and closed. She couldn't decide if she was dreaming or not, her past tears had hardened on her skin, their once slick wet trails down her face were like cold paths, as if she had ran ice along her cheeks. She could feel the steady breathing of Antillian next to her faint, raspy breathing. Fully awake now flints began to struggle to prop herself up. She fought the stiffness her body faked. She scoffed at her melodramatic attitude she had been wearing as of late, not as a mask but a whole damn cloak. She grounded herself and crossed her legs beneath her. Remembering she wasn't in Endilix's bar, wrapped up in the blanket that held more than memories, but them together for warmth in the night. She remembers vividly when she first came to stay with him all her shivering at night. And him responding in his sleep, pulling her close and resting his chin on her head so that she may tuck into his warmth. Oh, the warmth, his heart beat and light snoring from when they had a particularly busy day. She smiled out at the open darkness again imagining his cuddling and scent. It was warm yet had a small spice to it like cinnamon, she closed her eyes tight and whined. The winds had picked up and the calm starglade had become a bit of a mess, the icy winds were harsh and the trees rustled with each gust. "What a beautiful disaster" she whispered to Antillian 

[Flints 0]

Flints sighed. "Why am I torturing myself.." She thought about why she was pulling away so hard, why her world was changing. She heard a soft crunch and watched as Antillian's head rose from the rock, his ears straight up. "Endilix..?" She whispered. But nothing came forward. Nothing but the winds that carried her voice off into oblivion. She whimpered. Never in her life had she been so scared. She thought about her past and life outside of Aincrad, where she lived alone with her dog. Her poor poor dog. Hopefully he was in good hands. She petted Antillian and thought about how she had almost died a few times in life from being as wreckless as she was in game. None of those were as scary as this time alone she was having. This was what it felt like to be truely alone. The anxiety of it all set in as her heart felt as if it was being squeezed, her breath caught just behind her lips, her hands began to shake and her mouth became dry, all her muscles tightened at once and she became very still. Her body felt as if it was moving a mile a minute but truely she was still. "Why am I putting myself through this..you can't love more than one person you idiot." She gasped. "Endilix doesn't care about you. Stop waiting for him to come and save you." She began to cry again, her body convulsed in an eerie way as she began to yell out into the sky. If he truely cared he wouldn't have been so damn relaxed, so damn comfortable with everything Around him. He wouldn't look into my eyes like I was the world, as if I was the sun and the stars, as if I was all that ever mattered." Her voice had become shrill and cracked every now and again. "He trusted me...all for me to go off and fall for another man..." She gritted her teeth. "You fool, you didn't even realize your brother loved me." She rose from the rock and stormed away from it. She circled it as if it was prey, quickly she bounded onto it and threw herself at its face, reaching out to grip its peak so that she may stand upon it, in her rage she misjudged her footing and reach and slammed into its sleek surface, she slid back down to where she had laid before and crumpled up. 

[Flints 0]

Flints snarled at the rock. As if it did this to her on purpose. "why did you let me fall for Tristan. I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM." She hissed. She gripped her chest hard, digging her nails into is center and snarling more and more. "Why are you doing this. Why do you love him?" She sat back, the fact that she was yelling all this worried her, had she really snapped? Had she really gone insane? Or was this just all the bottled up stress from being thrown into the death game and finding love, of all things, not once but TWICE. Some weren't so lucky. Not as lucky as she to find people who genuinely cared about her. For whatever reason she spoke outloud again. "Why do you love him?" She gently thumbed at the Hoyas Tristan had given her and sighed. 

Edited November 16, 2015 by Flints

[Flints 0]

Flints closed her eyes and thought about her foolishly taking on a quest she couldn't do. She chose a big one, hoping to prove herself to, well herself. She didn't know what made her post it as a help wanted. But she did. She wanted to quest outside her comfort zone. And if she was to die it would be to a huge boss, not terrible weather or in the hands of another player. When she saw who had accepted her mission she was surprised. Even living in hiding in Endilix's bar she knew of the famed "Tristan Delaney." He was a legend amongst tall tales. When she went to meet him she remembered sneaking out of the bar and rushing past Emerath's shop, she knew if they knew she was taking on such a dangerous quest they would immediately worry. She didn't want that so left in a rush. Upon meeting the man she was surprised by his height. His features. His armor. He was the epitome of power. But when he spoke his voice was soft and soothing, his accent was such a curious thing, she didn't expect it to come from his mouth. It danced ans tickled her ears in a welcome way, where she was from voices were hoarse and slow, or quick, changing from one language to the next, intermixing and making speech become a jumbled mess of spit up words, made from many years of mixing the two. His voice was like velvet. Such a welcome sensation. She found herself smiling as she thought about how he treated her, she rubbed the painfully cold Hoyas and traced it's unmistakable shield shape. Even when she was so weak she could have been one shotted, he still treated her like she was worth something. Like he actually cared. Flints shivered and hid back in the shadow of the stones. And continued to ponder the red-haired man.  

[Flints 0]

Flints laughed and stroked Antillian's snout. She was surprised that he actually hadn't tried to go for Tristan's jugular, to her it seemed like he didn't like men, maybe he ignored Tristan because he wasn't anything yet. Just a friend. She traced the small faint stripes that marked his fur and giggled. "Master might have a little crush, you won't hate me too much?" She didn't expect an answer. She relaxed into the rocks her shivering had stopped, her body was warm in her armor. She petted the ears, grooming them of any snow, she gently pricked at the teeth that lined her cheeks and forehead like a crown of sorts. The jaw of the wolf mother still attached to her, giving her a fearsome appearance if her enemies could get past the perky ears. 

"Tristan..what am I to you..?" She thought about the first time she met Zelerius. The sea Wyvren stood no chance as he hit it with everything he had, his power unrivaled she shivered at the thought of being so strong. "That's a bad idea, power goes to my head far too quickly." The thoughts of Tristan stomping in muddy waters and picking her up out of the troublesome bouts of quicksand she stepped in, he plucked her up with ease and set her down gently in a safe spot, she didn't even have to ask him to help, he just did. "Chivalry isn't dead, Mi' Lady." She thought to herself, hearing it in Emerath's tone. Every chance he got he tried to help her, he didn't care about anything else that went on in the world it seemed, but only when he was with her. She felt a small pang in her chest at the thought of their conversation, her trying to get him to humanize himself for her so she would stop staring at him like he was some great God of protection. She remembered his past, him loosing people and how much it pained him to share yet he did anyways because she wanted to know him. For everything he was. She wanted to hold him close and he told her all his secrets and let him know that no matter what she would be there for him, as a friend, as a life partner.. She wanted to hear everything about him. From the wonderful things to the ugly things, her mind breifly wondered on his past relationships and a low growl rose from her chest. "I won't be another notch." She promised herself. "I won't let him win me so easily, I need to be sure everything I feel, everything I've put everyone through, was worth it." She thought about Endilix. It must have been the middle of the night and he was probably worrying, his brother already settled back in his lab but his mate no where to be found. She covered her face and yanked her hood down, sinking down trying to curl up and away from the world. 

[Flints 0]

Flints wondered if she would be able to get over this, get over hurting someone she cared so dearly for just to follow her heart. She loved Endilix, there was no denying that. The days they shared together in Aincrad were all she remembered. Because they were all she had. Her mind wondered back to tristan, and how he made her feel compared to Endilix. She gritted her teeth, why was she considering this? Had she really fallen that hard? She wasn't one for settling down, but here she was considering a life with someone yet again. She hugged herself tightly and wondered if Tristan would treat her as well as Endilix had, would he love her like Endilix did, or was he just fancying her for a short time, was she just some silly crush? The things he had told her, he wants to protect her and be there for her like Endilix had, Flints tensed up. "it's like I'm falling for the same person in a way, I don't understand.." She had to be sure she wasn't making a huge mistake. She wondered again if Endilix would ever forgive her..if he didn't she wouldn't blame him. She was a horrible person. 

[Flints 0]

Flints tried again to climb the face of the rock, a little less wreckless she slowly made her climb, pressing herself tightly against the slick rock and searching for places to put her hands and feet, she pulled with everything she had till she made it onto it's surprisingly flat top. She crossed her legs and looked out into the darkness, it seemed as if it was becoming daylight, the deep indigo sky was lightening. She gave a sigh and chuckled "I guess starglade is my home now." She couldn't stand the thought of coming back every night and trying to either sleep or stay up wondering what goes on in Aincrad. "This is difficult" she whined. "I want to go home.."

[Flints 0]

She held her head, once again digging her nails in, whoever said there was no such thing as pain in Aincrad was wrong. This pain was a far worse pain than any blade could possibly cause. Her heart was breaking for the ones she loved, it was breaking because she was selfish and sought out a different kind of love, no ordinary love. She gazed up at the now vanishing stars. "If there's a daity who sees to our lives let it be known this choice is thine own," she shivered speaking outloud to herself. "And that's final...Endilix deserves so much better. A woman worth waiting at home for....I'm sure he won't have problems finding someone..he's perfec..." She looked down at her feet. "Dammit Tristan. You better be worth it. I'll kill you I swear..." Flints' empty pleading with the man was fultile. He was a tank, her attacks would just bounce off him if she really did try. Why she was having these thoughts she didn't really know. She wondered what he felt like, she longed to reach of and touch him, to embrace him, she wanted to feel his lips against hers and his body pressed tightly to her, she wondered what he tasted like, what his skin felt like beneath her teeth in the most intimate of ways. Flints shook her head, blushing profusely. "My goodness...what am I doing!" She covered her face in embarrassment.  

[Flints 0]

Flints' gaze was still hung on the horizon, she watched the sky glow, r was cloudy but streaks of sun peaked out as it rose to welcome in a new day. Flints glanced down at Antillian who happily slept now that their night was over. She smiled out into the horizon and took a deep breath. Her long night was soon to be over, all her pain, it could never be forgotten but she knew it would be easier now, easier now to move on and accept her choices in this crazy life that was now her own. She wondered what Tristan was up to, if he thought about her before he went to bed at night, if he felt around for her in the midst of his sleep. She chuckled. "Yeah..right" she whispered to herself. Maybe she had taken everything he said wrong, maybe his confession was for him to be a better tank and protect wreckless people like her, not her in particular.but her mind couldn't help but wonder..

[Flints 0]

"Maybe this is all a strange strange dream, and I'm wrong about everything, and the people I love won't hate me. And the person I'm starting to love actually doesn't like me at all. And I'm just insane trying to make sense of things that don't exist.." She sighed. This constant beating herself up and depression had to stop. It was pointless. She was acting as if someone had did this to her but it was of her own choice and free will. Flints bit her lip hard choking back more tears. "This place has made me weak...I've never cried more in my life than I have tonight...No one ever said love was this painful. That caring for someone could cost you everything you had..." She watched the sun rise slowly, it became more obvious through the pink and yellow sky, the snow and ice didn't feel as cold now, It's icy grasp on the land was soon quelled by the copper sunrise, all the spikes and chills it gave were baited by the warm glow. Flints closed her eyes and took a slow breath trying to hold herself together once again.  

[Flints 0]

"My mind is made up." She said it quickly, snapping her eyes open and rising from the peak of the stones, jumping down to where Antillian laid, his head perked up and followed her, he stretched then caught up to his master before she could leave him behind. "This is it. I'm not staying here one more night. I'm not staying here to freeze to death, or to beat myself up over men." She growled to herself, walking briskly through the snow that began to stick to her legs from the sun's rays melting it. 

[Flints 0]

She made her way along a path that had already been walked even though it was  still too early for most people, she began to see things, her mind and the white snow playing tricks on her eyes, tears began to fill them as she imagined familiar red hair walking along the path, arm and arm with another, holding on tightly, keeping her warm from the elements. Both flushed and shaking, his eyes never leaving the frail woman, he looked at her as if she was the only thing that mattered, because she was. Flints began to run, feeling the snow lessen and the ground become hard, cobble stone began to merge and peak out of the snow as she ran into town, the clink of Antillian's nails on the sidewalk assured her that no matter what she truely wasn't alone. 

[Flints 0]

The sun was now completly out and the world was bright once again, flints' running had slowed as she remembered where she was. She looked around at the cute town and everything it had to offer. To be honest she hadn't really left the comfort of Endilix's bar when she was in town, and they usually stayed in. She snorted at the thought and slowly walked along the town, taking in everything from the crisp air to the abundance of people, to which she usually avoided but today she wanted anything but to be alone. Happy NPCs and happy, but frozen players wonders around, all dressed warmly. "I'm tired of justifying my behavior. No one cares..." Flints thought to herself. "I need all that are dear to me to know my mind is made up. I love him. I need him to know...I love him..with all my heart. All my soul, with everything I thought I never had but couldn't be without. Every inch of me is telling me to run away, to forget these feelings to go home and forget that I have someone waiting for me on either end. To forget the war that I have with myself and to just...go home. But this is it. Every fiber of my being is telling me to follow this to the very end. And if it falls through, and I'm unhappy. I can only blame myself. Not him. Not anyone else. I love him. And I hope one day he can love me just as much as I do him. I want this to grow, and I know that's going to take a lot of work and patience, Is a virtue I do not posses, but I hope he can put up with my stubbornness, and my fire that everyone keeps telling I have....Show me just how strong of a tank you really are.." Flints smirked and followed the path, Antillian now ahead of her, knowing exactly where she was heading. 

Edited November 20, 2015 by Flints

[Flints 0]

"I want to be with you and no one else..."

Flints was now smiling like crazy to herself, dispite all this things she needed to do, she ignored the fact that explaining herself would be painful. She ignored the fact that she had so much explaining to do, about her adventures and change, she ignored that fact that her eyes where no longer bright and deep green, they where faded and tired. All the fight from them gone. She lost the war with herself and came to beg for mercy. Nothing would be the same. "What if we became strangers, would you noticed my face in the crowd? Would you hear the sorrow in my voice? Helplessly crying your name outloud." Her voice cracked at her foolishness. Her questions she asked that would never be answered. But all she could wonder is that could time heal all wounds? She figured in the end her pleas would mean nothing. Nothing but she was a terrible person. Not only to her friends, but to everyone. She stood between both the doors and looked down at Antillian who waited to see what she would choose. Who she would run to. She gave a weary smile and whispered. "I am no coward..." she held her head high, realizing it was the end. And she wondered about what she could have and should have done, but instead she waged a war that couldn't be won, she stood on the ashes of all she ever knew. She shoved the door open finally. And let the light filter in behind her, finally setting herself free from all her troubles, her voice cracked. And the door shut swiftly behind her. "No going back now" she whispered under her breath.