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[F1-PP] The Pain of Living <Itzal, Hestia and Kasier>


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Itzal was found often on the first floor talking with the players and npcs, looking for anyone who might need his assistance.  Well not looking but keeping an eye out for them.  Whether it was needing help finding materials, wanting to fight a few monsters, or take on a quest, or just needing some col to borrow to buy something.  There was always someone who needed assistance or help, in both the real world and the virtual world.  Despite this being a video game, it was very close to the real deal in a large amount of ways.  This included death itself thanks to Kayaba.  Death, as it did in the real world, came in many various forms.  Whether it was being killed by monsters, quests, dugeons and bosses (though for some reason monsters killed more than bosses).  Whether it's from fall damage by accident, or fall damage via suicide.  There was also the chance of their bodies failing in the real world, or just being umplugged in the real world.  Then there was, of course, the possibility of being murdered.  And quite simply put, there was also psychological death.  Which in his mind was being driven to the point of mental unstability where you just can't handle life and kill yourself.  That could be filed under suicide but the fact was there.

Itzal wasn't helping anyone today however.  He was moving far too fast for players to ask him for aid.  Velnia flew beside Itzal, high enough to avoid getting hit by the purple trenchcoat which was dragging behind him.  He was moving far too fast for anyone to see his expression but there was one word to describe his state right now:  Panic.  He had recently received a notification that told him how Birdie had just dropped off his friends list.  There were only two possibilities for this:  Either Birdie had removed Itzal as a friend, which didn't make any sense seeing as how she was nice, kind, and she was even Itzal's apprentice once.  He had multiple through time but he remembered them all.  Mossino, Birdie, Aereth.  They were his first.  The other option however, was that she died...  He was running to the monument.  To see what happened to Birdie.  To see if she was truly dead....

@Kasier @Hestia

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I make my way through the first floor flipping idly through pages in my notebook glancing at each person that i pass the name of wishing i knew more of why they ended up the way they did. Not understanding why each was murdered for one reason or the other since all of them have felt like they were decent and kind people in the very end. 'I guess i will only know the reason why Zelrius and Ssendom died if i ask Oikawa. He did participate and was the one who killed Zelrius.' i think to myself with a small nod of my head as i put my notebook back into my inventory as i then catch a sight that is rather confusing to myself. Itzal running full sprint towards somewhere with his dragon following short behind him. Without wasting time i sprint on over towards where Itzal is heading planning to cut him off to ask him what he is in such a rush for. Not really understanding why Itzal of all people would run this quickly unless it was part of some big quest, or somebody was in danger that he had known which seems like the unlikely case. Not really thinking anybody that Itzal would know could be in danger considering his guild all participates on the frontlines. As i run towards the direction Itzal does my familiar Kuro is quick to follow right behind me with his speed of flying to try and catch up towards Velnia.

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Kasier yawned, sitting up and looking at the other side of her bed - the side which was empty. "Argh," Kasier moaned, rubbing her right eye with her hands. She sighed, uncovering herself and changing to the usual clothing that she wore. The day had started, just like usual... just the same old way that every day seemed to start with. She went with her daily routines, going downstairs to grab herself a cup of coffee that she had made in her shop, providing herself with the made-believe energy that would start her day off. Of course, Itzal was probably out grinding already, so she didn't have to make a meal for him. Instead, she decided that a simple egg would do fine as replacement for the big breakfast she usually ate as routine. Walking out, she noticed that something in the atmosphere was different, but she couldn't place her hands on it. With a shrug, she began to walk aimlessly, as she couldn't do any quests without other people and she didn't have the inspiration to material gather either since it was so boring. This was what Kasier had been doing recently - going to random places whenever her heart desires it. Today, she decided to spend some time back on the first floor again... it's been a while since she has browsed through the stores here.

She continued to walk along the well-created stone path that the town provides for players to give them a comfortable walk. It was then that she noticed Itzal storming across the town in a rush. He should be in the wilderness on the highest floor right now... why is he down here? Kasier wondered. There was no way that she can catch up to him, so she started following him slowly from behind. She wanted to send him a message, but if she stopped to do so, he would have certainly lost her.

@Itzal

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Please don't be dead was the thought that kept racing through his mind.  He raced passed players and npcs alike, narrowly avoiding a collision with most of them, accidentally bumping into some but not pausing to apologize.  Someone started moving a cart across the street and Itzal, not wasting any time, leaped into the air with his legs crouched in against his chest, pressing his hand against the edge of the cart to help him move fully over the cart, before landing and rolling on the ground back into the original sprint he started with, startling the npcs who were driving the cart.  He wasn't going to slow down for nothing.  He had to get to the monument as quickly as he could.  Please don't let it be Birdie.  He already lost Beatbox, a close and dear friend to a murderer who after thorough investigations Itzal believed was a unique skill wielder, specifically dual blades.  It was only a theory however and he couldn't prove otherwise.  Originally he intended to kill the man, but had calmed down and snapped out of it afterwards.  This time he had no desire to kill.  There was only fear and panic.  Of all people to die, it had to be her.  No, he shouldn't think that.  There wasn't a confirmation yet, there was still hope.

He turned a corner and dashed down into the courtyard that held the monument.  He came to a halting stop and scanned the entire building for.....  Itzal's arms went numb and limp.  There.  On the monument.  Listed in the B section.  Was the name Birdie.  Died by fall damage - Suicide.  Itzal fell to his knees, tears in his eyes.  It couldn't be...  It just...  Why her?  She was such a sweet person.  So kind and innocent.  She was afraid of heights, she was shy, she had done nothing wrong, why did...  Itzal began to cry, rather fluently.  Velnia said nothing and instead curled up against him to comfort and console him.  She was gone...  He couldn't even say goodbye to her.  He should have worked with her more.  He should have done more with her.  He could have done more, if he hadn't..  If he hadn't...

@Hestia

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I sigh in annoyance at having to chase Itzal of all people through the streets of the town of beginning knowing that catching up to him is not a option and keeping up isn't either since he is able to move with ease while i struggle. I bump past people which slow me down while my familiar just moves ahead of me  as i quickly just equip my armor and charge forward letting my appearance be enough of a deterrence to get people out of my way. When i see the cart i quickly switch to my golden cloak the golden fleece as i jump over the cart and lands on the ground stumbling forward cursing softly to myself at the bad landing. Rather glad this isn't the real world or that could've possibly ended with me breaking a ankle possibly. I quickly continue forward not stopping once more as i arrive at the monument of life where Itzal had entered as i just look at it. Remembering the last time i had been here which was when i had met Morgenstern. I close my eyes and then open them slowly as i make my way into the building hearing the sounds of someone sobbing as i know that to be Itzal. My familiar walks beside me having waited at the entrance towards the building as i walk in and sees a sight i wouldn't have expected to ever see in my time within Aincrad. My Mentor figure, and one of my closest friends Itzal on the ground crying in front of the monument.

I take some slow steps forward and kneels beside the man and looks over towards him with a gentle gaze as i wrap a singular arm around him and pulls him close to myself. Itzal i don't know what happened but i would like to know what occurred. Allow me to know please i'm here for you as a friend. I say in a soft tone of voice towards the heartbroken man. I quickly look up towards the monument only to spot one new name on it. Birdie. I say softly to myself to remember the name as best as i can as i feel tempted to pull out my notebook but resists for now since there is someone needing my help.

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"Darn, where did he go," Kasier remarked, being delayed by a big man with a mustache currently torturing the horse underneath him with his weight. Naturally, the horse wasn't moving too fast under the weight of its owner, and the wagon behind the horse was acting as the actual obstacle preventing Kasier from watching Itzal as he turned the corner. Now, having lived on the first floor for a while now, she began to consider where on the first floor, Itzal could've possibly been going. Before long, she found herself standing completely still in the middle of the street. That was when she felt a light push from behind. "Keep it moving, will ya." Kasier heard a feminine voice say from behind her. Kasier looked behind her but failed to see anything. Looking down, she saw a silver-haired little girl with a battle axe that was twice her size on her shoulders. Kasier jumped back in surprise, scratching the back of her blonde hair in embarrasement. "Sorry about that. I see that you're on your way to completing a quest or getting stronger?" Kasier asked out of curiosity. "Nope, I saw a black-haired man running to the monument with all the dead people. That means someone died right? Maybe there's a super powerful boss on the first floor that I can kill real fast and claim some nice drops," the girl exclaimed, laughing as she walked past Kasier.

Kasier sighed. A black-haired man... although vague, I don't see anyone else running nowadays. The monument, huh? I wonder what happened. Kasier thought, walking to the monument without a second wasted. Turning the corner, she caught sight of the monument that was standing tall and high, marking each individual who has passed on from the world. At the top... well, she couldn't see the top. At the bottom, she saw Itzal. But that's not all. There was also a black-haired girl there too, although she seemed familiar, Kasier couldn't place her hands on the identity of the woman. The most confusing thing was the fact that they seemed to be embracing each other. In public too... Kasier thought, frustrated and jealous but without acting under no thinking. She decided that she would stay in the shadows from which she turned from the corner.

(Hehe... I love plot)

@Itzal

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Itzal cried.  Cried for his friend.  His apprentice.  For the soul he came to know.  He cried because he let the world reach her.  He cried because he let the world break her.  He cried because he couldn't protect her.  Just like Beatbox, he couldn't do it.  He couldn't figure out what was going on in time to do anything.  For being one of the highest ranking scouts in Aincrad, he was terrible at it.  Velnia continued to comfort him until Hestia started to approach.  She flew out and hovered there, sad to see Itzal being sad.  Velnia, being an NPC, coudn't connect with Birdie as deeply as Itzal had.  Because of this she was mainly feeling sorry for Itzal, who was in this broken state.  When Hestia wrapped her arms around him he only curled up more tightly in response.  It was too painful.  To painful to think about.  And now someone else was here trying to comfort them.  Who was it, a part of him wondered, though that voice of reason was crushed and buried under the overwhelming pain and guilt he felt.  All he could say was this:  "She's gone.....  She's gone...." 

When he heard Hestia's voice he didn't open up.  He just stayed there crying, muttering a few words here and there.  "My fault......She's gone........I should have...........I couldn't...."  He didn't have the strength to say anything.  He didn't even have the strength to hold himself together physically, his arms legs and back muscles all going limp.  He would have fallen to the ground if Hestia didn't catch him.  Velnia became more worried than ever too.  This was the second time Itzal had lost someone other than her.  Of course despite being an AI she figured out that the reason he was less concerned with her dying was that she would respawn again, though she would lose her memories because of it.  Itzal was so distraught he didn't even detect Kasier hiding in the shadows watching them.  Velnia had a chance to, but she didn't notice Kasier yet.  She landed on the ground behind the two, laying down and put her head between her paws.  Itzal said nothing for a while before he had calmed down enough to be able to register a few things.  For example, his mind finally caught up to what Hestia was saying to him.  He turned his head slowly to her, tears still coming down his face.  "...Hestia?  I..  How did you know I was...  Where did....."  He tried to get up but he couldn't.  His body was shaking too much.  He remembered her asking him what happened and a shadow came over his face.  "Look at the monument...  It says it there, plain as day.  She killed herself..."

@Hestia

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I just hold Itzal close trying to show some comfort during this time for himself just pulling him close as i look up towards the new name that has graced the monument to have all players forever known how they died. A either sweet memento to make sure they are forever remembered or a sick twisted way to make sure players can seek there revenge never ending if it was a player killer. I look down towards Itzal and his saddened state as i say in a gentle tone of voice. She may be gone physically itzal, but i know she lives on in those she became friends with. This fight we all go up against that is this game is sometimes a bit too much for some people. Some people who just wish to escape take the only way out they know that will be peaceful. I think this is why they say people come out of war changed that this game is a war ground even during the peaceful times, and there are just some people who aren't built for war who can't handle the thoughts that come with it. I say in a gentle tone of voice just wanting to try and help him in anyway i can as i glance towards my familiar who rests beside myself to keep me strong also as i smile softly at that. having only a gentle gaze of kindness within my eyes as i then turn back towards Itzal.

I know you feel as if this is somehow your fault, but know that it isn't she chose this outcome herself. You couldn't control the thoughts within her mind that lead her up to here. You can't burden yourself with the possibilities since otherwise you will never be able to take the first steps forward. I say in a soft voice towards one of my closest friends as i just let him cry knowing that it is good for the soul to do so. That the momentary overwhelming misery helps in the end by allowing future clarity after the tears. I followed you here simple as that. You never run that fast in town unless someone was in danger so i figured you wouldn't mind backup...looks like i was wrong and right. You were in danger and needed a shoulder to lean on not that a stranger needed backup. I say in a gentle voice with a small chuckle and smile as i look down towards the man wanting to just answer his questions. I open up my inventory and takes out my notebook as i flip open to a new blank page having let go of Itzal for a moment to do so as i put the notebook in his hands carefully along with a pen. If you want Itzal. If you look through this book you'll see i'm trying to learn of those who have passed away. I don't want them to be forgotten. If you want to you can look through that book and even write down what you know about Birdie from your perspective. We shouldn't allow her to become forgotten. I say in a soft voice towards the man.

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Kasier glanced at the two, sighing before walking out of the shadows. She was never the type to stay behind in something, and this wasn't a case to make an exception either. Slowly, she walked up to the two players, finding herself by their side as she browsed through the contents of the monument. Here was a recording of all the players who have passed away, and hopefully, they found themselves in a better place. She had always been coming here to see if anyone she knew entered the monument of death on a weekly basis, but she hadn't come here this week. She sighed, allowing her blonde hair to flow to the rhythm of the wind as she didn't even look down at the two players besides her. Instead, she stood tall, confronting the names of those who had either fought courageously against the monsters that haunted the floors of Aincrad and lost, or the players who have fought against themselves in a battle of courage and will, and lost.

She couldn't cry at their deaths though. In fact, she saw the names of the three friends she had come into the game with, and their presence was a reminder of how much Kasier had changed since she came here. From someone who couldn't even use a sword in a video game to someone who was ready to heal at any moment, and ready to block a threatening blow at any cost. They were reminders... reminder that people have sacrificed themselves for the sake of others in this game. They were the reasons that the remaining players must continue to fight on without losing hope. It was then that she saw a familiar name that was new. It had probably just come to the monument not that long ago - Birdie. To be completely honest, she had little associations with the female, but she knew how much the girl meant to Itzal.

Making the connection, Kasier looked down at the two players. "This is a dangerous world. It's probably those days of continuously looking at players... close friends fall away to death that had driven her to do so. It's hard to take in, you know? To know that people around are dying, and who knows whether the next one to die will be you. Itzal, it's completely okay to be sad. In fact, cry to your heart's extend when you have the ability to do so right now. However, use this as a reminder that more people will die if we don't beat this game as soon as we can. More people will fail to overcome the images that have penetrated their heads that repeat over and over again. You can't afford to linger like this for too long... and I hope, and I know Birdie hopes that her death would not impact you to an extend where..." Kasier trailed off. Oh! How she wanted to bend down and carry the love of her life in her arms. How she wanted to whip away those tears and baby him in her arms. If it wasn't in public, she would've rushed to his aid, but no matter how much she tried, she can't. It was her fear of the public... and she can't over come it. 

@Itzal

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  • 2 weeks later...

Itzal was silent for a while, other than the tears that kept leaking from his eyes.  Hestia spoke to him about how there were breaking points.  How life could become too harsh for them to go on any longer and that many would seek an escape from it.  He knew this, but.  He should have been there for her.  To comfort her, support her.  If he had then she might have been able to stand the pain, the fear.  He didn't respond to Hestia just yet, listening in silence.  He heard Hestia tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't control the thoughts going through Birdie's mind nor control her decisions.  'I could have influenced her thoughts though,' he thought to himself.  It was painful.  She was such a sweet person, why her?  Why was it always the weak, the innocent, the kind and gentle?  He still said nothing, even as Hestia explained how she found and followed him.  And how it was mainly his rush that caught her attention.  She told him how he needed a shoulder to lean on.  He then heard footsteps approach and heard Kasier's voice.  It took some effort but he managed to look up at her.  She stood strong even though there was all this death.  He knew she had known multiple names on this monument as well.  He heard her words and started crying again, this time leaning against Kasier's legs.  It would be clear he was happy she was there.  In truth he was glad they were both here.  Hestia was a good friend and Jenna would soon be his wife.  And so he cried.

Eventually, is tears slowed, and he was able to calm himself down.  His breathing slowed and found a steady pace, and he took a few minutes to breath before speaking up.  "...She was my apprentice..  It was my job to teach her everything I could..  She wanted to be a scout, not a fighter or defender.  She wasn't that type of person.  She was kind, gentle.  Shy at times, but when you got past that.."  He fell silent again, silent as he rested against Jenna.  Knowing that she'd comfort him if they were alone.  And that was enough for him, as he understood why she didn't.

@Hestia

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I turn my gaze towards the other voice that starts talking finding it familiar, and when i turn to see who it is i just give a smile towards the girl. Remembering her as the one known as Kasier who i had helped out once or twice, and who was there for the boss meeting for the next floor if my memory is working correctly. I then turn back towards Itzal and looks rather saddened for the state that he is in for how much this is clearly impacting him in a rather big way. I glance back down towards my notebook and put it away for the time being knowing that there will be time for questions about the one known as Birdie in the future. That for the moment the thing to focus on is trying to get Itzal back towards his feet and facing this world once more fearlessly or as close to fearless as people can get within this game. i look towards the leader of the Ascendants and gets onto one knee looking towards the crying man. Itzal i know you need to cry that is only natural, but you also need to be able to get back up to face the world that this game inhabits. To face the other people you have under your wing to be able to change there fate rather then staying here or letting this rob you of what you can offer towards others to help yourself move forward by letting negative thoughts possibly just permeate your mind and having you not do anything out of worry or something like that. I say gently towards the man as i rest a hand upon his shoulder to let him know that i am there for him through these moments as i glance upwards towards the ceiling. Also Birdie sounded like a wonderful person. A gentle soul i could bet if she wasn't that much of a fighter and just wanted to help out as much as she could in her own way. If she was a crafter i could imagine Birdie being a scout to get enough materials to just sell her things for free like you are Itzal. I say with a small smile towards the man. What was she like? Beyond basically wishing to be a pacifist since you said she wasn't much of a fighting type of person? I ask Itzal curiously just hoping that maybe talking about Biride might be able to help him get through this mentally.

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Kasier didn't know this Birdie person very well either. She had known her, of course, since the kind girl was part of the guild that a group of them had made from dust. The guild was like family, and just like family, there were people that you loved more than others... in the end though, they are all still family. Kasier looked up at the name in the board - she had gone through a few quests with the girl, nothing much, nothing really to get a glimpse of her personality and her emotional state. It was then that a thought hit her. Perhaps she could've stopped her from jumping? Kasier had always acknowledged her ability to teach people lessons through dramatic means or to read an individual's general personality, but she had failed. If Birdie had had the thought to do what she did for a long time, Kasier had failed as a paladin. She stared at the board and soon felt Itzal leaning against her. 

She looked down, and found herself sitting down as well, allowing Itzal to lean against her. This was a bad time for Itzal... she could only imagine how it feels to have an apprentice that you spent so much time with die by the blade of not having to suffer any longer within the death game that kills even harder than the bullet of an AK. Kasier could only imagine, because she had never had an apprentice like that before. She could never commit herself to one, because she didn't want to develop too strong of a bond with them. She sighed, allowing the love of her life to continue to rest there while she continued to let him talk, spilling out his emotions as she remained in silence. "You did your job. There was nothing else that you could do, no matter how much you want to reverse time." She finished, "I know what it's like to loss friends." Kasier paused, looking at the sun blazing down in the distance. "No... family."

@Itzal

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Once again both spoke to him, attempting to offer their advice to him.  Jenna allowed him to lean against her, pouring his emotions out.  She told him how he had done what he could, that there wasn't anything he could have done.  Regardless of how much he wanted to reverse time.  And how she knew what it was like to lose friends.  That's right, he thought.  He had heard something about that.  Had someone told her that fact?  Was he discussing it with someone as a possible theory?  He knew that regardless of which of the two it was, he suspected it and began theorizing when he thought more and more of her drastic change from the first to the second time they had met.  Itzal had lost two friends now.  One good friend.  One apprentice.  How many had Jenna lost?  Hestia also spoke, telling him how he needed to be able to stand up.  Face what this world was throwing at him.  How he needed to face those under him and change their fate rather than letting the loss of Birdie rob him of what he could offer.  She then began to comfort him, talking about how she seemed nice, and what she thought of Birdie.  Then asked what she was like besides the already presented information..

"..She was, scared but determined..  She may not have enjoyed fighting, but she was willing to learn.  And she learned rather quickly.  She and Aereth got along rather well too..  They were so kind to each other, and she worried about him when he left.  I tried to teach her parkour once, heh..  That never worked out.  But, she was a little more open after the attempt..."  He was silent again, thinking about everything.  About what Jenna said..  About what Hestia said..  How Jenna lost people too.  How Hestia told him to stand up and push forward.  How he couldn't let Birdie's death bring him down like this.  How he needed to be strong to help others, and prevent something like this from happening.  Like he was important...  But was he?  His guild was falling apart at the seams.  His friends all leaving him one by one.  His damage was hardly anything on the front lines.  He was even slowly being replaced as a scout by two tanks who had decent searching skills, nullifying the point of being a scout build in the first place...  Slowly he stopped crying and just leaned against Jenna.  The tears were still coming down from his wet eyes, and his breathing was quick, still trying to recover.  But.......

"......Je...Kasier..  How many?  Did you know them well?"

@Hestia

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I look down towards Itzal and gives him a gentle smile and matching gentle hug as i remain by his side to hold him so he can have a shoulder to cry on. Ignoring the question in the back of my mind that my mind is trying to solve while listening and talking towards itzal. 'Why isn't Kasier being the one to hold him. Isn't she his fiance?' I think to myself with my brow ever so slightly furrowed closer as i then quickly get rid of that look with it having only been there for a brief moment. I offer the same smile towards Itzal as he goes on to talk about Birdie. She sounds like a wonderful friend Itzal. A gentle soul which is hard to find nowadays within Aincrad. She is among the angels now though i am certain, and i am certain you know that also if what you said about her is true. She is in a better place away from all this death and darkness that we face everyday in this game. The one that we fight for to try and protect the souls like Birdie from being here any longer, so that they can sprout there wings of kindness to the entire planet to try and help  others. For people like her to help people like us who fight these terrible fights and to push forward with words of encouragement or providing us strength with just there presence and smiles that we try to preserve. I say in a soft tone of voice towards the dark haired male as i glance towards Kasier out of curiosity when she mentions that she has seen plenty of death herself and has come out at least alive. I look towards the ground and nods my head ever so slightly in understanding of family loss.

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Kasier sighed, not wanting to bring tragic memories back to her mind. At the moment, she was in quite an awkward position. Itzal was leaning on her, but Hestia was hugging him. The placement was simply weird, and Kasier kind of felt uncomfortable during the whole thing. There wasn't much she could do, though - she must learn that no matter how uncomfortable things got, she can't simply walk away like she was used to doing. When Itzal needed help, Kasier must provide him with it even in the public - it's then that she must figure out a way to deal with things differently.

"How many? It's not important now. They have all become part of my memories that follows me whenever I feel down or tired. They are the voices that speak to me in my mind... or rather the memories of them speaking. They have created who I am, and they shall remain on this world with me as long as my memories of them exist. People exist in this world for different reasons - some to learn, some to teach. Well, no matter how much I try to teach, ultimately, I am someone who learns... and I'm a bad student too. These people, they all die, only to impact me. They die so I can learn a lesson and carry on their legacy. The weight that they give me keeps me going even though I am not strong nor smart," Kasier exclaimed, speaking about her true feelings for those who had died and were acquaintances with Kasier. Sure, she had made friends with people since their deaths, but in the end, they were her true friends - only real friends.

"Birdie might have died physically - but her legacy lives on as long as the people who has been impacted by her carries on." She concluded, remaining in silence for a bit as she continued to browse through the names on that list.

@Itzal

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