[ SP - 03 ] Something Familiar <<Feeding the Enemy>>

[Ptolemy 0]

You give away pieces of yourself in silent exchange for acceptance. If you can be less you and more something else, then you will be accepted and, therefore, less lonely. Until, one morning, you wake up and realize that you have given away so much that you are a shadow of the shell of the man you once were. And then you’re lonely for yourself. You want the old you back. You realize that the particular type of loneliness that blooms when you are married to someone who doesn’t love you has taken root inside you and choked you out of yourself. Every loneliness has its cure, and the only cure for this type of loneliness is to leave. The cure for this type of loneliness is to be alone. Two years ago, I made a decision to live. To break away from the chains that held me back. I don't regret logging into SAO. I do not regret disobeying my father.

[Ptolemy 0]

There has always been an aura of simplicity about my presence in character. Despite the ambiverdness and often detailed observance in my outlook around people, the role of “happy-go-lucky Klaus” was a recognized and rarely challenged fairing amongst family and friends. Bubbly, outgoing, smart and active; all resounding traits of a self-promoting bio with the mood swings, drama and bitter excerpts merely regarded as the impulses of teenage angst.I’ve always enjoyed company, reveling in chat and laughter. But the hidden scorn of paranoia and insecurity could easily spoil the anticipated gladness of socializing and connecting. Talkative, engaging but quietly doubtful. Apprehensive about personal viewpoints on the basis that someone might not like me because of what I thought or what I said. This silent persecution inside persisted in the former of mental torture; a daily routine of mirror goading tagged with insults and reminders that I was worthless, no one liked me and that I was better off alone.

Edited October 8, 2018 by Ptolemy

[Ptolemy 0]

These experiences of depreciation and mindless punishment are just a few from many clouded moments of confusion and misunderstanding in my very being. However they have played a vital role in my eventual willingness to discover a grasp in managing doubt and fear that arises when life is interrupted.

The study of mindfulness has helped greatly in finding guidance to living. Acknowledging that whilst nothing in life is absolute, everything is relative. Gaining awareness of my emotions and reasoning with the experiences I have been through gives me strength and confidence to persevere and compassionately embrace the value of myself and of equal importance the value of family and friends. 

Loneliness if it was a color would have to be a dark grey slimy color because that is what it feels like when it hits you right in the stomach a horrible gut-wrenching feeling. I often wonder when I go about my business how many people are feeling the same and do they feel the same relief when the feeling lifts?

[Ptolemy 0]

I would always have thought loneliness was exclusive to people living alone with no one around but sometimes loneliness is more acute when you are in a crowded place because no one knows how you feel inside and it’s amazing to see people going about their business not knowing that someone within reach is hurting so much inside.

Be kind to other human beings. No one knows what private turmoils people have and if you know you can alleviate someone’s loneliness just do so - maybe when we ask someone the overused question “how are you?” we could stop and actually listen to the answer because loneliness is a horrible, horrible feeling and I believe everyone feels it at some stage of their lives.  He laughed to himself, areal, genuine laugh.  Who knew I had all of these thoughts in my head?! I must be going crazy. I would've never thought of these things in real life!

[Ptolemy 0]

He laid back on the bed and laughed to himself again. I'm growing crazy. This game is making me crazy! He put his hands on his head and laughed again.  The neurons or something, whatever it is... it's making me crazy! I was never lonely back in the real world! He stopped laughing and just laid there. His blank eyes traveled to the ceiling, and he sighed. A gut retching sigh.  Was I ever really lonely..?  He smiled to himself. Val and Ann were always there with me. I suppose that wasn't enough though. I guess I was always lonely. No matter how much I resisted the thought. I was always... lonely. He chuckled to himself.  I could write a whole book on the thoughts I just had. But I always wonder. Do Val and Ann miss me? Did they just brush me off of their shoulders since they had no more competition? After all I've done for them, they must still love me, right?

[Ptolemy 0]

His fists clenched around the sheets of the bed.  I've been a good brother. A good brother. A good brother. I repeated to himself over and over, engraving it in his mind. The only people I trusted, the only people I loved. They can't possibly hate me right? They wouldn't have just sued me like an old toy just to be thrown away later, right? He could feel himself growing mentally weaker by the second. Will I ever be able to ask them? Will I die here? Will I die alone? Will I meet people here who will genuinely like me? He turned his head to the window. Will. I never liked that word. It was the greatest starter to a question that couldn't be answered. Will I die? Will I live? Will people hate me? Will people like me? There's never a definite answer for those questions. You can choose to either accept that things will not go your way or you can't. No one can answer those questions.

[Ptolemy 0]

Now I need to think positive, I'll be committing suicide at this rate. He chuckled hollowly to himself. Perhaps something I have experienced before? He bit his lip as he thought of one. Ah, I remember one. I used to go running every Sunday around the park in Berlin. Mother and father thought it could help me stay healthy but still keep my focus on my studies. And one day while i was running, I saw this old lady. She was sitting on a bench that overlooks the park's pond. Right next to her was a small metal like cage. My curiosity got a hold of me, so I headed over there to investigate, but I just personally wanted to know if she was planning to smuggle any fish out of the city since fishing in that park was against the park's rules. So when I made my way over there, I quickly noticed that in the cage was a trap. At least four turtles were roaming around it, and the fifth one on her lap.

[Ptolemy 0]

The turtle in her lap was being hand scrubbed by her, it looked as if she was removing the algae from its shell. I was utterly flabbergasted at first, but a small smile made it's way on to my lips. My immediate thought was: what a sweet lady, I shouldn't intervene. But before I could go back to running, she looked up at me and tilted her head. She giggled at my curious gaze and agape mouth before saying, "I'm just trying to help them live longer, no need to be so surprised sonny." I was already so a loss for words, that I nodded frantically. "Of course! Of course! You're a wonderful person for doing this, keep it up!" Before she could react, I had already dashed away. I honestly regret not talking or making a conversation with that lady, she would've been an excellent company. But ever since that day, I was more motivated to make a mark on the world.

 

[Ptolemy 0]

She was my motivation. I can't but help admire her. He smiled to himself. Well, that was a happy story, wasn't it? Maybe I can think of more later. I am abnormally tired at the moment. He yawned and stretched his arms. putting one of his arms behind his head, he stared up at the ceiling. The change in scenery is weird. Maybe I can find a house in the town? I have to have a place to stay after all. I can't stay in inns forever. Definitely will do it when I am a high level. It's weird. Ugh, I need some rest. I'm not even talking like myself. So weird. You're so weird Klaus! Sleep deprivation will harm me, but will it harm me in a video game? Should I stay up to find out? Maybe I should! In the name of Albert Einstein, I shall stay awake for the sake of... science!

Edited October 8, 2018 by Ptolemy

[Ptolemy 0]

Ptolemy ended up passing out after five minutes of staring at the ceiling. When he woke up, he was extremely pissed- irritated. So you can get sleep deprived in SAO. What would you know? He sat up on his bed and leaned forward to put his head in his hands. Blasphemy... I'm bloody tired. Will caffeine work in SAO? Only one way to find out. He groaned, slipping out of bed with his morning face.

Ptolemy wrapped his scarf around his neck and sighed.  I was never a morning person anyway. Coffee better work or I'll look like I want to murder someone all day. He grumbled a few incoherent curses before entering the cafe he was on the previous day. He asked a waitress if they had any black coffee, to which she nodded and scurried away. Coffee, sweet salvation. I could've tried soda, but I guess that was too much sugar.

ID: 107070

ID: 8 + 3 + 2 = 13

 

Edited October 8, 2018 by Ptolemy

[Ptolemy 0]

He was soon presented with coffee. He sighed as the heavenly taste filled his mouth. That feels better. I'm just... going to stay here for an hour or two before I start going out to find a familiar again. Taking another sip, he thought of a few things that could relieve him of his boredom once again. I could always tell some stories again, that was particularly fun to do. He searched his head for another story and snapped when he found something one of his professors had taught him in one of his psychology classes. 

When I was taking a few extracurricular classes in high-school, a psychology professor walked around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students.  As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” question.  Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

[Ptolemy 0]

Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.

She replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter.  It all depends on how long I hold it.  If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light.  If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little.  If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor.  In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water.  Think about them for a while and nothing happens.  Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

[Ptolemy 0]

Klaus smiled to himself as he thought about that one class. She was right though, if I keep thinking about my stresses, it'll be hell for me to live. I didn't pay some much attention to stress after that day. He chuckled to himself.  Teachers were also a great motivation for me. It was an odd feeling to look up at someone who's main priority was to teach you, but that one professor was something different. He smiled to himself as he took another large gulp of coffee, relishing the taste. I hope to be something like her when I grow up. Not necessarily a psychology professor but a motivator. I want to motivate people just like she had. Mother and father would never allow it of course, but what if I could remain anonymous somehow?

He smiled goofily at the thought. It could work, he looked out the cafe's windows. What If I could become a motivational speaker in SAO?

[Ptolemy 0]

He thought of another occurrence that was similar but also completely different. 

One day, a professor entered his classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin. The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked the students to turn over the papers. To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions–just a black dot in the center of the paper. The professor, seeing the expression on everyone’s faces, told them the following: “I want you to write about what you see there.”The students, confused, got started on the inexplicable task.

At the end of the class, the professor took all the exams and started reading each one of them out loud in front of all the students. All of them, with no exception, defined the black dot, trying to explain its position in the center of the sheet.

[Ptolemy 0]

Ptolemy continued, the sweet memory continuing. 

After all, had been read, the classroom silent, the professor started to explain:

“I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot – and the same thing happens in our lives. However, we insist on focusing only on the black dot – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend. The dark spots are very small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take you're the eyes away from the black dots in your lives. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!”

[Ptolemy 0]

Ptolemy felt his heart warm up to the stories he was telling himself.  Perhaps something not concerning any teachers this time? He thought for a moment, and then finally thought of one. The first time he had ever watched his favorite movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Ptolemy gave a small laugh to himself. When he was around eight years old, Victoria had invited him to her house, and since her father was a lot less strict than his own, he got to watch an actual movie. She had picked out that specific movie since it was a German classic, being that the movie was filmed so close to Germany.  At first, he thought the movie was unreal, crazy even. But as the movie went on, he soon grew to be fond of it. The interesting characters and the amount of creativity went into the books and movies blew his mind.

[Ptolemy 0]

I was so obsessed. He wrapped his hands around the warm coffee mug. Victoria told me that my parents complained to her father about me humming a ridiculous song in my for weeks. 'Pure Imagination'. That song is still one of my favorites. It just opened a way for me to see the world. The lyrics, the melody, everything about it was so magnificent. Victoria and I would often listen to different remix's and covers at her house, always debating whether the remix and EDM remix would be better than a piano or orchestra cover. I was always on the Orchestra side, even before I listened to 'Pure Imagination', I loved classical music.  But every cover or remix I listened to was still wonderful. He sighed and pressed his head back on the booth seat.  Maybe I can ask a performer if they knew it and let them record it for me in a crystal?

[Ptolemy 0]

Though it is wonderful, I doubt that anyone in this world knows the song. They are probably more fond of the 2004 remake and didn't bother watching the original.  He joked to himself, I used to tell Victoria that I would do anything to be let into Willy Wonka's factory. It wasn't just for the candy, but I just wanted to experience everything he would experience in his daily life. Except for those short people... what were they called again? Oompa Loompas, yes. The original ones looked creepy, ad the remake's looked like Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat. I feel like I've almost forgotten everything about my childhood.  Though mother and father kept me on... restrictions... they would at least let me read children's books. Roald Dahl and Dr. Suess were big influences on me. I was so attached to Roald Dahl's creativity and Dr. Suess's creativity.

Edited October 8, 2018 by Ptolemy

[Ptolemy 0]

They both put so much effort and heart into each of their books, I find it quite unreal actually. I was having such a fun time when I both read and watched the movies they had created. Too many to count actually. He smiled warmly.  Enough about books and movies now! Let us go on to more stories. Us being me, he gave a few dry laughs as he thought that. It would be nice to actually share these stories with.  He looked up from his mug and sighed at the low amount of customers in the shop.  I guess no one would really want to talk about children's books and movies with a total stranger, huh? He laughed to himself and took another sip of his coffee.  What a black sheep, Klaus. You always were one. You always stood out. I'm not sure where it was in a good way or not, but nevertheless. I stood out like a drop of red in a vast ocean. 

Edited October 9, 2018 by Ptolemy

[Ptolemy 0]

He had thought of another story, one Victoria had told him a few years ago. It went something like this.

Once upon a time, a man found a butterfly that was starting to hatch from its cocoon. He sat down and watched the butterfly for hours as it struggled to force itself through a tiny hole. Then, it suddenly stopped making progress and looked like it was stuck. Therefore, the man decided to help the butterfly out. He took a pair of scissors and cut off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, although it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man thought nothing of it, and he sat there waiting for the wings to enlarge to support the butterfly. However, that never happened. The butterfly spent the rest of its life unable to fly, crawling around with small wings and a swollen body. Despite the man’s kind heart, he didn’t understand that the restricting cocoon and the struggle needed by the butterfly to get itself through the small hole were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings to prepare itself for flying once it was free.