Shiro 0 Posted July 24, 2014 #1 Share Posted July 24, 2014 The cacophony of《Starting City》had swirled in Shiro's head for months now, utterly ruining any chances she had of thinking clearly. Kayaba Akihiko had made that announcement that had left the players of Sword Art Online terrified, and she spent the following weeks holed up in the city. She wasn't hiding. At least she told herself she wasn't hiding. Her time since then hadn't been spent idling, but gathering information. Sword Art Online was a huge game with more complexities than she dared count, but one thing was certain: If she was going to survive and grow stronger, she was going to need to study everything she could about Aincrad and its new citizens. The task started out simply enough. She learned about the mechanics of Sword Art Online, be they the classes of weapons, how to use sword skills, where to buy and sell items and gear, or any number of other things inherent to the design of the game. In time, however, Shiro began to realize that this floating castle full of nearly 10.000 players with varying feelings about their imprisonment here would amount to more than which sword is which and how much bread costs. Slowly but surely, people began to realize that clearing Aincrad wasn't some simple task that they could breeze through in a few weeks or months. They began to understand that this was less a game and more a reality. Their lives existed in this world; in Aincrad. Guilds and parties began to form, and a sort of "government" had even begun to form. Of course, this land was lawless, but people began to rely on factions such as these guilds for protection and support amongst other things. Of particular importance was a group known as the《Assault Team》. This brave group of fighters comprised of members of various guilds as well as solo players were making an active effort to clear floors and defeat bosses. They had managed to fight their way to the boss on Floor 8 so far. It seemed like there was no stopping the intrepid warriors and a great many people arrived to see them off every time a new floor boss was engaged. To most, the《Assault Team》members were heroes. As for Shiro, she shared this sentiment with the general masses, but for dissimilar reasons. Nearly every person she asked said the same thing: "I hope we can all get out of this death game soon so we can get back to the real world." To them, the《Assault Team》were exactly the saviors they needed. They were a valiant group of the strongest fighters in Aincrad pooling their strength together to overcome this prison and its challenges so that everyone could go home to the real world. To Shiro, the real world stopped being real the moment her lips first let loose the words "Link start." She had long ago lost her place in the world, and when Kayaba Akihiko trapped 10.000 people in Aincrad, she lost Haruko, her best friend and one remaining link to it. Aincrad and the people in it were Shiro's real world now. She had found a comfortable inn that she called home for the time being. She had taken up cooking. She had even started to settle into a little routine for her days. Though in the end, that wasn't good enough for her, and she began venturing to the edges of the《Starting City》to peer out over the landscape and contemplate venturing forth. It was always her goal to become strong in this world. All that was left was for her to take that step; for her to enter the field before her on those visits to the edge of the city and fight to become stronger. Eventually she had. A blacksmith by the name of Seldentar had taken Shiro under his wing and provided the final push that she needed to take that first step outside the protective walls of《Starting City》. They had become close fairly quickly, and when he offered Shiro a beautiful necklace that he had earned from a hunt, she felt the harness around her heart soften slightly. Even with the vast wonder of the floating castle laid before her, her mind kept wandering back to that man. She sat on a bench in the《Starting City》central, absent-mindedly twirling a locket of her coal black hair around her delicate finger. Just months before, 10.000 players had gathered here in fear and anger, and now they bustled about as though this had always been their life. Touching her hand to the blue stone hanging from its silver chain on her neck, she marveled at its unfamiliar weight. Every detail of this world and her body within it was rendered by the Full Dive technology. She smiled to herself. Today was a special day for Shiro. After speaking with some of the locals, she had learned that the general consensus in city was that the food was, frankly, terrible. Having taken up cooking, she barely remembered what the food from NPC shops and restaurants tasted like. She didn't remember enjoying it, however, and had insisted on cooking her own meals from that day on. She shared her food from time to time, always to high praise. It seemed that even at her low rank, the average player preferred her meals to those provided in《Starting City》. And so, today was the day she had set out to find a place to open a restaurant. She would need Col, and felt good about helping other players live a more comfortable life here. It seemed like an excellent way to kill both birds with one stone. ã€OOC - PLEASE READ ME】 Hi there, everyone! My name is Himura Shiro and I'm starting this thread due to interest from several players of SAO-RPG. The goal here is to provide players with a place to practice some more advanced role-play in a semi-controlled environment. Ideally, this thread seeks to improve participants' abilities in a number of categories on which I will be providing feedback: â—† Grammar - Basic stuff, but if you're having a difficult time communicating exactly what's playing out in your head, nobody else is going to know what's playing out in your head. â—† Description - This category is one part communication, two parts art. Saying something like "She pushed her hair behind her ear" certainly gets your point across, but it is neither fun to read, nor does it tell us anything about the character other than the fact that she has hair and ears. Instead, trying things like "Gracefully, she swept a few fallen tresses of her golden hair behind her delicate ear." It isn't necessary to write a poem about ever ear and hairstyle every time, but give your readers enough information to see your character as you see her. â—† Clarity - Which hand did she use to lift her sword? Which direction did he arrive from? Are there three enemies or two, and which one are you targeting? Communicating the scene is important. â—† "Inner Voice" and History - Describing your character's actions and dialogue are the most important aspect of any role-play, but a truly well-written scene will tell the readers her the character feels and thinks as well. Also worth of note is an explanation of how things got to their current state. "Shiro arrived at the smith's cozy storefront, anxious to browse his wares," but why did she go there? When did she leave and what prompted this visit in the first place? â—† Format - Nobody wants to read an ugly, unorganized post. Try to keep things attractive and it won't give people headaches. I'll focus on these things and more, providing feedback where necessary. I'll tell you what's good, what's bad, what could use some improvement, and how to go about achieving that improvement for your next post. This thread will take place entirely within《Starting City》and will not have any combat, crafting, or looting, so none of the game's "mechanics" will come into play. We will focus purely on role-play. Let's try to have fun and I look forward to playing with you all! -Himura Link to post Share on other sites
Kiluia Seiko 0 Posted July 25, 2014 #2 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The somber floor level 1, where people had become accustomed to the starting floor as sanctuary from any vile beast and player killings. In short, all the people here had expected higher level people to rise up to the expectation of hero status. His gaze upon a few hundred players seemed cold and devoid of emotions as his light footsteps trudged through the streets. He couldn't simply place blame on every player here though. Some of the players were truly terrified and he could understand their misfortune. But here was the thought process he had given major consideration after meeting those who had enough will to strive to live. Why not simply make due with the fate cards that were dealt to you? The church loomed ahead of him with its structure intact and still full of life with the children he had left behind to go to the frontlines. They had an excuse to not fight. Their pure souls knew no bounds of darkness that filled this putrid death game. It burned his consciousness that the man who created this fantasy world took no pity, no heart, or any guilt that these children were simply innocent bystanders of the whole game charade he wanted to include. Hey! Kiluia is back! Shouted a little girl named Yumi. Her bright golden lockes flowed in the wind as she half ran half skipped down the cobblestone road to meet her savior. Her eyes started to wield teardrops of joy but her voice sounded angry and resentful. You idiot! When were you going to write to us? We've been worried sick! His azure eyes lightened and softened at the tearful girl before him. A smile adorned his pale face as he leaned down to embrace the small child. " I'm here now right? That's all that counts, Yumi. Missed you too. " His larger frame seemed to engulf the child as they embraced. He had grown fond of this young one thinking of her as his kid sister. [ I just wanted a critique of what your thoughts may be. ] Link to post Share on other sites
Darius Verand 0 Posted July 25, 2014 #3 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Darius walked through the starting city, his iron dragon-themed, gilded armor, sword, and shield catching the attention of most players at how scary/brutal it looked because of all the spikes and dragons, considering most of the players that were left in the starting city were those who were to afraid to venture out and see the world, so all they were used to was friendly looking starting equipment. He hated them all, as he hated everything and everyone. He was only here in search of food, from a familiar stall that he had used for his entire time in Aincrad so far. The NPC was a grumpy old man that didn't deal with haggling of any kind, which suited his ugly, scrunched form of 80-some years and plain grey clothing. As he walked through the streets bustling with players of every shape, kind, occupation, and so forth, he noticed a female player looking at the FOR SALE sign of a restaurant, but when she saw the price of the place, she was obviously disappointed. He snorted to himself, a hollow sound inside his helmet. The dull grey/gold of his armor caught the mid-day sunrays and gleamed dully. He stopped to look up at the sun and thought to himself about what it would be like for someone who didn't hate everything to look at the sun like he did. All it was to him was a ball of heat that made the inside of his armor stuffy and his skin crawl with sweat. He looked down from the sun to notice that the players walking past him were giving him a wide berth on the street, as if they were afraid of him. He couldn't blame them. He walked with an aggressive manner, squared shoulders, chest pushed forward, hands balled together in fists, which complimented his already scary armor, making all of the weak-willed fear him more. It was in his nature. He felt a pinch of sadness, which was instantly snuffed out by anger for being weak, before he continued walking down the center of the street in his normal manner, his armor clinking along the way, people moving out of his way as he made his way to the market. [Armor] [shield and sword: http://www.celtic-heroes.com/wp-content ... oncept.jpg] Link to post Share on other sites
Elessar 0 Posted July 25, 2014 #4 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The world that they were trapped in slowly started to consume the players inside. Like dying in the game and in the real life at the same time was not enough, almost half of the alive players in SAO started to kill- No, murder each other. Eléssar never understood an action like that and its purpose. The killer groups called mavericks, the criminals inside the real world now almost had the control of the game and the players. '' There is no proof of dying in the real life too. '' What a stupid exuse that was. What kind of a person would decide to end another persons life? What kind of a person would dare to do that? Those were the two questions kept runing circles in his mind that he was never going to be able to answer. But he beleived that this all would be over with a happy ending.Even though all the ugly circumstances in the game, a source of hope that the innocent people of Aincrad beleived into. And he always aimed to be one to give people hope, not the one who tried to steal instead of giving. Yes, he was not strong enough but he was going to be in one day. And when that day arrives, he promised himself that he would be standing in the front line with many others. He was happy to be having this thoughts instead of having an urge to destroy and ruin someones life. At the other hand, he was beggining to feel like this place was his actual home. He was born to fight.. He didnt want to sit in his house, just play games or study. But he knew that he didnt have a chance like that, how could he not? How could he forget that he had a family outside of this virtual world? Right in that moment, tears covered his eyes with the thought of his family.. Maybe they were in a worse situation then he was in, maybe they were dead or maybe even worse.. He wiped off the warm tears from his amber eyes with the back of his right hand,quickly wiping the last drop on his cheek with his left hand using the tip of his fingers. Shaking his head slowly to left and right to snap himself out of these bad thoughts. There were no use of crying over something like that and he knew it well. He had to remember them with the good memories, he had to remember the reason he had to fight and save himself from this trap that was set to kill people. He had to be strong. '' Enough drama. '' he mumbled and stood up quickly, using his left hand to take the support he needed to get up from the cold bricks on the roof. Dusts his clothes off as he stands up using his both hands, and rubs his hands to eachother right after. He had no plans of fighting today, but he had to buy some potions just incase something bad could happen in the future. He stopped walking with the growling sound just came out from his stomach. '' Alright, added eating something to the plan.'' he said quitely while moving his hands to his stomach, holding it for a second before making his way towards the town center with slow footsteps. Link to post Share on other sites
Seldentar 0 Posted July 25, 2014 #5 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The first floor of Aincrad, the Town of Beginnings, was home to the majority of the 8000 remaining players of Sword Art Online. Only one floor up from his shop, it was a place that Seldentar had visited frequently. With each trip, he had heard people discussing the rumors of the Assault Teams, of them fighting bosses on each floor and forcing their way through this game. Seldentar had often remained quiet, not wanting the attention that came with being a member of said teams. He had met many players in his journeys, and some knew who he really was. To many, he was simply Seldentar, currently rated and known as the Top Smith in Aincrad, a declaration made during the first round of the Battle Tournament. Though he had lost in the first round, many of the remaining combatants had purchased gear from him, and the announcers declaration of his skill in that field had brought much attention and many customers to his humble shop on Floor 2. Still, he had yet to reveal to many of his true affiliations. While he would "farm" for materials on the lower floors due to their easy access, his actual level training took place on Floor 8, in the tree tops of the floor. Until recently, that is. A new player he had met here on floor 1. Shiro, who he had accidentally walked into while thinking about all the things to come as the floors opened up, knew his true strength. One of the few people he had partied with since joining the Assault Teams, she knew of his level, and he had told her of his place among the teams. Today, he had heard that Shiro was working on collecting money to help support the players of this game. He wasn't sure of the details yet, but there was something about her that made him want to help. Walking to the Teleport pad located on Floor 2, he looks up to the sky briefly, before opening his mouth. "Teleport! Floor 1, Town of Beginnings!" His whole body felt like it was being lifted, as blue light surrounded him. His vision went white momentarily, before returning to him, a clear view of the town square in front of him. Stepping off the floor, making sure that he only had his normal Midnight Blade equipped, he moves forward. He wasn't ready to share that secret with anyone, not yet at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiro 0 Posted July 25, 2014 Author #6 Share Posted July 25, 2014 ã€Kiluia】 I liked your post quite a lot; it did a good job of portraying the fact that there's more to Aincrad than fighting monsters on the front lines. There are people here who choose not to fight, but there are also people who CAN'T fight. Your post drives that home. I also appreciate the fact that your character is multi-dimension. He has the 2edgy4me thing going on, and at first I found him bland. And then I found out that he was "pulling a Cloud" with the children of the city and I began to really like the character. With that said, there are a few points I'd like to make about the writing itself. â—† "trudge - verb. walk slowly and with heavy steps, typically because of exhaustion or harsh conditions." You can't trudge with light footsteps. â—† The entire "But here was the though process..." sentence is sort of shoehorned into the post. There are a few ways to fix it: you can end it with a colon to properly lead into what the thought process actually was. At the other extreme, you can delete the sentence entirely, and the reading will be improved for it. It's just a bit convoluted in terms of how it conveys the message. Also, the next line should read "make do" rather than "make due." â—† "Their pure souls knew no bounds of darkness that filled this putrid death game" should read "Their pure souls knew not the bounds of darkness that filled this putrid death game" â—† "It burned his consciousness that the man who created this fantasy world took no pity..." There's nothing wrong with this, I just loved it and thought you should know. ;) â—† Other than that the only thing I can say is that since this is a forum-based role-play post, it may be helpful to defy the standard convention of writing dialogue. Rather than writing it in-line with your paragraphs, it's easier for the reader to follow if you give dialogue its own line (as seen in light novels). ã€Darius】 http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm â—† Your opening sentence is very nearly your entire first paragraph. I was excited to read that nice, juicy, long first paragraph until I realized that it was just three really long sentences. Almost every clause in the sentence is independent and can become its own sentence. Please reference the link above. â—† "He stopped to look up at the sun and thought to himself about what it would be like for someone who didn't hate everything to look at the sun like he did." I LOOOOOOOOOOVE this line. It may be helpful to replaced "thought to himself about" with "contemplate" here. â—† Repeated use of the word "scary" makes him seem less and more 3edgy5me. â—† If the person looking at a restaurant in your post was meant to be my character, that's called "god-modding" or controlling another person's character. It's absolutely fine to post the actions of another character so long as the player has already established that the character has done that action. Otherwise, don't assume they've made an action. All Shiro has done so far in my post is sit on a bench and fiddle with her necklace. ã€Eléssar】 Okay, man... okay. Your post is really good. Your written mechanics are not. I did very much enjoy reading it and your imagery is poignant. That being said, don't get butt-hurt when you see how long my list of corrections is, because they're mostly simple mechanical corrections. Don't get discouraged; this is the best post I've ever read from you. â—† "Like dying in the game and in the real life at the same time was not enough..." should read "As though dying in the game and in the real life at the same time was not enough..." "As if" is also acceptable. â—† mavericks = individual players or groups? â—† "Even though all the ugly circumstances in the game, a source of hope that the innocent people of Aincrad beleived into." This sentence is a train wreck of dependent clauses. It doesn't actually say anything. Did you perhaps mean something like... "Even with all the ugly circumstances in the game, the thought of a happy ending was a source of hope that the innocent people of Aincrad believed in."? â—† "the one who tried to steal instead of giving" should read "one who tried to steal instead". The particle "the" changes the meaning here from "oneself" to "a specific individual that may or may not be me". The second use of "giving" is redundant. â—† "Yes, he was not strong enough but he was going to be in one day." Should be "No". Also, is he going to hit level cap tomorrow? Should read "one day" instead of "in one day." â—† "And when that day arrives" This should be "arrived" here. Don't change tense throughout your writing. It doesn't matter if you write in present tense or past tense, but once you've chosen one, stick to it. â—† This is purely anecdotal, but "at the other hand" should read "on the other hand." â—† "Maybe they were in a worse situation then he was in, maybe they were dead or maybe even worse." There are two points to bring up here. The first thing is that you should avoid ending a clause with a preposition unless the sentence would fail without it. For example, my previous sentence ends in a preposition, but if you remove the word "it," the sentence no longer functions. Your clause "Maybe they were in a worse situation then he was in" does not require the word "in" to function. The second point is that this sentence as a whole is actually two independent clauses. You shouldn't use a comma here; that's called "comma splicing" and is technically incorrect. Either make this two sentences, or replace your comma with a semicolon. â—† Okay, the last thing I want to say is that you don't HAVE to be so technical with your descriptions. I know I said to be specific about "which hand does what" in my initial post, but try to think about when that does and doesn't matter. If you're wiping away a tear, we don't need to know that it was your left hand, third finger from the right, with the fingernail side, at the bottom of your eye, sweeping up to the inside corner. Just wiping away the tears is enough. Think of it in terms of combat. Which hand your character uses to hold his sword (or for that matter which direction he's swinging it) is important so that opponents know how to react. ã€Seldentar】 This post is really good! Star pupil. Teacher's pet. â—† "Only one floor up from his shop, it was a place that Seldentar had visited frequently." Your shop is below the first floor? â—† "announcers" should have an apostrophe somewhere. Before the S if there's only one announcer. After for multiple announcers. â—† "returning to him, a clear view" This comma shouldn't exist. â—† You're hereby banned from using italics. One million years dungeon. No trial. Link to post Share on other sites
Mortambo 0 Posted July 25, 2014 #7 Share Posted July 25, 2014 The last few months had been torture for Mortambo. He was very familiar with how MMOs worked, and usually did not have a problem staying interested by bouncing back and forth between grinding mobs, crafting, and doing quests. SAO, however, was completely different. He never realized a big part of his love of these games was being able to escape from his boring day to day life into a virtual one. The days dragged on as he got bored of one thing after another. Eventually, he stopped grinding mobs and questing at all when he saw people easily out leveling him. He fell into a deep, deep depression for a month and just moped around Starting City. On the present day, he finally ran out of money so he decides to go hunt boars outside the city again. Not really caring at first about whether he wins or loses Mortambo nearly dies in his first fight. This is the wake up call he needs. As he sees his HP drop to almost nothing, he feels his entire being fill with purpose again. "I will not die here!" he thinks to himself as he ran the boar through. "What happened to me? My plan on day 1 was to get strong enough to be a tank on the front lines. I wanted to be on the vanguard of the Assault Team. Here it is three months later, and I am still almost getting killed by boars on the first floor!" Mortambo shook his head vigorously as if he was trying to shake something off thinking, "I will do better! I need to start leveling again." Mort's stomach growls loudly and he laughs "But first, I think I might need some money for dinner." Looking forward to your feedback! I think it's awesome that you're doing this. I'm new to forum rp, so I know I need it! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Shiro 0 Posted July 27, 2014 Author #8 Share Posted July 27, 2014 ã€Mortambo】 Your post started off so good! Consistency, sir. Don't give up! â—† Your entire first paragraph was gold. Don't change a thing. â—† Once you hit the second paragraph, you run into a couple of issue. The most notable of these issues is that you change tense. As I said in my last post, it doesn't matter if you write in the present tense or the past tense, but you need to stick with it once you've chosen one! Your first paragraph was in past tense, then you flip-flopped between the two in your following paragraphs. â—† Another thing I've noticed is that after the first paragraph it seems like you sort of... gave up? Got bored? It's almost like the first and second paragraphs were written by two different people. The entire journey of leaving the city to level, hunting boars, nearly dying, having a revelation that you don't want to die, and killing the board should probably take more than three or four short sentences. Your post was good. I'd say your biggest problem is simply a matter of consistency. :) Link to post Share on other sites
ham 0 Posted July 29, 2014 #9 Share Posted July 29, 2014 A handsome man in his mid-twenties walked into the <>, jet-black, spiky hair moved with the wind. His usual getup was mix of olive drab and white linen tunic and trousers that he randomly picked at character selection. Many of the clothing depicted in Sword Art Online was made to reflect medieval times. Handsome was subjective but Ham believed he was a decent looking guy. Oval face, straight eyebrows, and a cheesy smile that wasn't particularly flattering but it always made someone else smile. All these features could be rendered with the <> technology but at the same time this wasn't him. The real him was laying somewhere in a room, in Japan, or probably a hospital according to what Kayaba Akohiko had said when he made his dramatic appearance all those months ago. The memory of the vicious blood-like substance spilling from the sky was haunting. The way it oozed and formed a faceless robed GM character that proclaimed to be the genius Kayaba Akohiko himself, the bearer of bad news. Ham shook his head as if to shake the thought away. No, this was awhile ago, this is reality now, I must forget those feelings in order to survive here. Ham was stubborn and there were times he believed he was right. One of those times was this where he had rationally reasoned that at some point in time help would be coming. Many people here had the same thoughts: "If we wait long enough, help from the outside will come, and we will no longer be subjected to Kayaba's cruel game." This was truth to Ham, this was an inevitability that would be realized if the players were patient enough. This consoled Ham and lured him into a sense of security. With this, he began socializing with those like him who believed they would get by on meager means. They left the glory to those who risked their lives for the game's completion. They would root for them as they cleared floor by floor but they would not get involved because hope would come. It was in this mindset that many people resumed their lives in Sword Art Online and one of the best ways to pass time was through gossip. There were all kinds of gossip ranging from relationships between top players, dramas, or incidents of murder. There was big talk of betrayal several floors above him. These never directly affected Ham so he paid no heed to these incidents. The gossip he cared most about were the ones involving Floor 1 and its inhabitants. Everybody here needed to eat and sleep and that required money. Many people on Floor 1 found easy professions that had zero risk factors but the income was meager. It was either you ate or you slept in most cases which prompted players to do different things but for the most part the Floor 1 players were living a satisfactory life because a large number of players were still around this area. Ham hunted simple monsters for loot that he could sell to people who were crafting. This was ideal because the monsters could be hunted over and over again. Once you understood their algorithms, there was no real threat of danger unless you were careless. Ham was far from careless and was able to rake in a decent wage for sleep and food. This particular time he raked in more Col than usual which prompted him to find better food. He longed for a different type of food than the European bread and soup that is usually served at the local NPC shops. Ham sold his loot to another player who in turn sells the loot Ham sells to higher level players who spend a great deal of time crafting. Most of the loot he sells are common items that anyone can nab but it was time consuming. The player he sold to had told Ham of a person who can cook better than the NPC's and that he should go look for her. "She usually is at the Inn on these coordinates," The merchant said as he pointed Ham the direction he should head to reach the Inn. "There's another piece of information you should know... but I forget what it was." Ham grimaced at the merchant's absent-mindedness, it was a wonder that he was able to make a living being a merchant with such a blatant flaw but he left it at that. Ham said his goodbyes and they both parted ways. Ham was directed North of where he was and proceeded to go find this player who can cook better than the NPC's. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiro 0 Posted July 30, 2014 Author #10 Share Posted July 30, 2014 ã€ham】 I really enjoyed your post. The "day-to-day" stuff is my favourite; it's nice to see that there's a functioning society underneath all the heroism and action. I had quite a few points of interests insofar as feedback on your post, but remember that this is all just constructive criticism. I enjoyed reading this! â—† "spiky hair moved" should read "spiky hair moving". Alternatively, give this clause its own sentence. â—† The word "clothing" should be treated like a liquid substance rather than a pile of individual objects. Should read "Much of the clothing" rather than "many of the clothing" here. â—† A mechanical problem I'm noticing with your writing is your use of commas (or lack thereof). While it's not 100% accurate, it's helpful to remember the old mnemonic "FANBOYs." Use a comma before the words for, and, nor, but, or, and yet. â—† "The real him was laying somewhere in a room, in Japan, or probably a hospital according to what Kayaba Akohiko had said when he made his dramatic appearance all those months ago." Object order not clear. Are there not hospitals in Japan? perhaps try switching "in Japan" and "or probably a hospital" around. â—† "The way it oozed and formed a faceless robed GM character that proclaimed to be the genius Kayaba Akohiko himself, the bearer of bad news." This is a dependent clause. You never actually complete your thought. â—† "shook his head as if to shake" Redundant. We know shaking shakes. â—† "This was truth to Ham, this was an inevitability that would be realized if the players were patient enough." This is called a comma splice. You've joined two independennt clauses with a comma. Either use a semi-colon or turn this into two sentences. â—† "Gossip" is singular no matter what. Should read "There [i]was[/i] all kinds of gossip" â—† Canonically, eating wasn't necessary. You feel hunger, but not eating appears to have no detrimental effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Elyth 0 Posted July 30, 2014 #11 Share Posted July 30, 2014 UWOOOHHHH I TAKE THIS CHALLENGE Are we communicating through codes? GO SHIRO-senseiiiii Anyway, here goes nothing: Chuunibyou was something Elyth'd have to fix/undo/outgrow one day. For now, she endured this unpleasant and untimely phase with a smile both lacking in sincerity and over-pouring with awkwardness and an urge to cry or run far, far away. Instead, she stood her ground before the NPCs of the Town of Beginnings with their round faces and sharp eyes staring at her in confusion. Noooooooooooo! What did I just do- why were there NPCs here to hear that 'OBJECTION' thing from that lawyer anime I don't remember the name of? The conscious and panicking voice in Elyth's head sung rapturous melodies of her embarrassment and terror at the speed of... thought, and Elyth swiveled her terror-stricken head around to confirm that yes, she was indeed in a secluded street far away from any other human interference and/or observance any time soon. Upon confirming such a fact, Elyth let a small sigh be released from behind her lips. However, the battle was not yet over! Summoning all her courage and wit, Elyth... walked away from the street as confidently as she could, pretending to be one with an air of grace and elegance. She finally relaxed as she got away from the street and walked out into the light shining upon the busy central plaza of the Town of Beginnings. The scene lay before her, a picture of harmony between the digital world and the minds of those from another world beyond. And there were chairs! Elyth had been walking a lot recently, something she wasn't particularly used to yet, and something to sit on that was carved to the shape of butts and made for the purpose of such was, frankly, a godsend. She ran up to the bench, eyeing the spare seat, and plopped down. Nothing would be bothering her for some time, except for the thought of food. Unfortunately, the food made by NPCs all tasted like sand pressed together into a solid shape and sprinkled with salt, with the exception of water, with tasted like water, with a lack of words to describe it, and Elyth was yet to encounter this rare species of player with the profession of "Cook." Elyth sighed and looked around, only to notice that another person was sitting on the bench. The person had black hair and was twirling said hair around a finger. In her surprise, Elyh had failed to notice anything else of particular note, and was now bobbing her head up and down in some gesture of "apologies" and "please don't kill me." She jumped. "Um, I'm sorry, was I intruding in your personal space?" Link to post Share on other sites
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