[PP-F4] Dont spiral {Tristan&Zero}

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes sat in her room, it was te third day she had stayed there. She hadnt left, hadnt walked out, hadnt done anything. She sat there empty. On days like this her darling had given her hot chocolate and love. She had made her feel like she mattered. but now Now i am alone again. I'm worthless. why do i even bother with this. I will fail and I will die and she... she has probably moved on. does she still come to visit? would she grow tired of chatting at a sleeping corpse?  I am not worth the trouble it takes to get out of here, am i? 

 

 

She missed her love, her home, her bed, her cat. what could she do here. She had tried but she didnt feel fulfilled, she felt... weak. She looked at the notification in her HUD, probably another message from Tristan. She hadnt looked at any of them, why bother? She was of no use to anyone like this.

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan was growing worried about his brother. They hadn't been out of their room for three days, something very unusual for someone energetic like her. He wondered what on earth was on with them. Maybe homesickness? She did mention she had a lover outside of SAO. Tristan didn't have it so much, since he only had a manager role waiting for him, but no one special. For her...well, different case.

 

Tristan sighed, walking up to her door and knocking. He knew where her room was, though never had been inside it. "You there brother?"

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes heard him outside but yelled "Go away!" she wasnt ready to face the word- no, she couldnt. she didnt have the energy. She was so tired, she was just so, so tired. it as too much, what could he do?! What could he do!??! He knew nothing! he could do nothing! what was the point?!?! 

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Celes sounded like she was breaking down and he couldn't let it go and slip from his grasp into something rather bad at this rate. He let himself into the room where Celes was. "What's going on? There's clearly something not quite right going on and it's worrying me." His face was gentle in expression.

He waited to see what Celes spoke in response.

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes was in bed, you could see her dressed in a tshirt and some pants. it seemed like she handt left the room in days, you werent sure if there was any food involved either. Celes looked pale and fragile. This wasnt the woman Tristan had met. She looked at tristan, tears streaming down her face. "Why are you even here!??! I'm useless! why bother with me?! I am nothing here!" She was useless, useless and broken.... so broken....

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Celes was clearly in a complete state and from the looks of it, wouldn't manage it on her own back out either. He sighed as she was desperate, probably in shame, to not have Tristan there. For once though, he would be going against what they said, since leaving her wouldn't solve anything.

He got out some chocolate he had bought earlier for himself from a store and walked over handing it to her, as he gave her a hug so that it was to her side so she could still eat. "I don't care in what state you're in. You're my brother remember?" He showed the pendant that she gotten him that rested on his chest.

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes began to cry in earnest. It had been so long since... since she broke down. Since she became like this. She felt so lost, she mumbled to tristan "I dont have a safe place anymore..." is was a soft mumble, in between tears and exhaustion, it came out almost like a plea. She needed a safe place to be... to recover... maybe an inn wasnt the best place, but she had yet to visit her guild house and she was too tired to go anywhere. Why was Tristan here? why bother with her... "why bother with me..." 

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan held her close in an embrace, her wet face in his chest as she cried. All Tristan did was hold her close, safe, stroking her hair with his hand as she confessed her inner emotions into him.

"You have a safe place with me and my shop, because I do bother with you. I do because you're my brother remember? I care for you. Spend as much time as you want with me." Tristan smiled as he held Celes.

[Celesmeh 0]

"Tristan I-I miss her so much! she is my other half!  how do i finish this without her?!!? Did you know we decided to not go out just so that i would have a chance to play!!?  i abandoned her!  what if... what if she... she doesnt want me back?!? We've been here for months now! what... what if se forgets....I know her better than anyone but now... not i dont even know myself.."  she continued to cry into his chest, she couldnt help it, she had too much locked inside...

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan offered no words for Celes, seeing it pointless to try and patronise them. Instead he merely held her tight and close as she let herself go. He supposed everyone needed a moment where they release everything bound inside them, and this was one of those moments.

Tristan held her close still, stroking her head as she cried.

[Celesmeh 0]

"Tristan I dont know why i'm here anymore. I wanted to get out but now i dont even know if i can. the more I think about it the more it hurts me, im useless and broken. I mean look at me! Look at me!"She continued to cry, hard wet sobs, it was difficult to understand her words but the pain and desperation was evident. "I cant do anything right! I cant do anything, I wanted to be strong I want to be Good, Smart. Now i'm stuck here and the only escape is too permanent. but i want it... i want... an escape... i want a safe place away from the voice in my head, the one that tells me im such ****" she seemed to be calming, but it was an artificial calm, a numbness that could come after these attacks...

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan sighed and held her face. His hand rested on her cheek and brushed away tears with his thumb, the other arm still embracing Celes. He gave her a stern but gentle look, as though really caring for them, which he did. Tristan was reminded by her confessions of his own thought stream when he was beat to the ground by the NPC Firebrand and when he fought himself in <<Calming the Soul>>. Maybe if she did the quest, they were not so successful?

 

"Now you listen to me. You are my dear brother. You deal more damage to me. You are the only person I will rely my life on. You are, basically, the closest person to me I have. Back home, I have no one aside from my store manager job possibly waiting for me."

His hand brushed the tears away from the other side of her face. "I worried that I was useless too. Expendable. Just another person out there who when I die, won't be remembered. I was scared that I'm a waste and that it was not worth living because there was no reason to my life.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care if people forget about me. I don't care if there is even a grave made for me and if anyone will visit it. I do care for the people close to me and I will in the life I have do my darned best to help them. I might not matter, but who cares? I am helping someone, which is what matters for me."

He lessened the hold on her, to talk to her more directly. "What we need is a goal, or an aim. Sure, you may not be the most useful person ever to everyone. Maybe people will forget about us, merely be one of a great list of victims from a VRMMO incident. But what does it matter? We can go out there, do something. We might be forgotten, but what we did will remain forever changed. If you sit here caged in self-doubt, nothing will change except your mental health, and not for the better. But we can go out there and do what we can do best to make sure that the people in SAO do not die, that we will clear this game."

[Celesmeh 0]

She stared at him blankly "Thats right, you dont have anyone to be important to. You cant understand what I feel. Do i have a goal? OF COURSE I HAVE A GOAL"  she began to sob once again "MY GOAL IS TO GO BACK TO THOSE I LOVE, to the only people i ever mattered to..." She continued to shake, even as the sobs subsided. she was completely frayed, a live wire "you, maybe if we make it, maybe you can meet me, over there... but.. no. I dont even know if ill make it. I can fight, so what? fighting is useless when you cant do anything right. I have battled with myself and all i learned... All i learned was that this, this disease inside me... it, it lives with me even here. Even when I left my body behind. I dont get to rest, how do i rest tristan? I'm so tired, every day i carry this with me. Every day she tells me, my own head!  it tells me, she tells me that i am worthless, that i am noting. That i am broken" 

 

She sighed "I have been broken for so long tristan.... At least, I was loved. My darling, she taught me, god Maggie how i miss you... she taught me to love myself. but she isnt here, what do i do now? I try, so hard to remind myself to tell myself. I'll make it out, for me, for her. I'll love me, for me, and for her. But even i need a rest and..she gave me that. The desperate reprieve from my mind..." 

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan looked at her in silence for a moment after she spoke, her heart an absolute mess. She was all over the place. And not in a good way.

He then sighed, then stroked her cheek again, rosy and puffy from crying the past few days distraught. "So you're telling me that rather than actually trying to get back to those you love, you're gonna sit your sorry ass in bed and cry about how you can't, just because someone told you so? You're stronger than that, I know you are. So don't you tell me that the woman who can hit twice as hard as I can is weak or can't do jackcensored, because that's plain lying."

Tristan sighed. "Try again. Go fight yourself. Beat the crap out of it. Kick it in the nuts and tell it that it's wrong. Because it is. Just because you hear it in your head doesn't mean its true. Or a lot of lies would suddenly become true." Tristan chuckled, thinking of self musings.

 

He sighed, holding her tightly again, not wanting to lose her. "Besides, respect the people waiting for you by trusting them. Anything else is beyond your power and there is no use dwelling on that. Why not think about how I am waiting for you...for us to finish this so we can be the best of friends...no...family not just inside SAO, but outside it too. I'm not telling you to push away what is you, but maybe you are seeing what you are thinking of yourself in the wrong way. Maybe you should try looking at yourself again in a different way. The you who has me as the only person they trust and family. The you that I found all alone when you needed help when most needed. The you who obliterated bosses because you are capable of that. Even the you that is opening yourself to your innards right now. They are all you. That is the you I want to see survive and if you die here in SAO, I will kick your ass in the afterlife when I get there so hard you'd wish you were alive again." The last part was spoken in slight jest, but the tone still remained.

[Celesmeh 0]

She thought for a moment about his words. She began to calm. One word resonated with her. "Trust" it was so small but so important. She asked me to trust her, didnt she? am i doing that? she trusts me... she always has... I need.. to trust... yes.. turst her...adn Trust tristan. She snuggled into tristans arms. Wiping her tears "you are right, I.. I need help going outside, cna you... can you help me? please?" she wasnt ready to be alone, not just yet. She trembled in his arms, terrified of what could happen should he let go. 

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan chuckled, grinning. "Of course I can, anything for you."

Tristan helped her up and with any things that required doing, like an older brother to their little sister. Tristan was happy that finally perked up and was ready to go out, to provide that support for Celes whenever he could. Well at least he knew that going by here because messages weren't being responded to weren't in vain either. He also motioned the chocolate he gave her earlier. "You look like you could do with something to eat too."

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes smiled as she slowly got up, she ate some chocolate. the first thing she had eaten in days. She slowly got her act together. she donned her shirt and cloak, then added her spear. She was ready to face the world.... ish.. She looked at tristan "You are right i need a goal. We need something... i wan to... Make my safe space, crate something to help me.. in the hard times..."

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan nodded with a smile to what she spoke, equipping his own gear. He wondered what she had in mind for them, though had an idea of his own.

"...How about we go fight minotaurs and get yourself a pendant? That way when you forget the trust we have in each other, you have the pendanft there to remind you."

[Celesmeh 0]

Celes smiled. He was sweet. Maggie will enjoy hearing about him. She thought for a moment "Youre right and... maybe... Maggie liked it when i told her stories, i think i'll collect stories from now on." She looked outside "Lets go to the minotaur's maze, it will be... interesting..." 

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Tristan nodded, ruffling the woman's hair as he smiled. "And you should tell me about this Maggie of yours, for they must be a great person to get someone like you." He said with a grin. "But yes, let's make lots of stories about what we did in Sword Art Online."

Tristan looked outside also, taking a deep breath out. Today was rather quite an emotional day. Much more than he had anticipated. Well, it was for the better though.