[PP-F10] Mistakes of the Past

[Mari 1]

"I've been avoiding this place for so long..." Mari whispered as she ran a hand down the newly dusted shelves. It felt like a lifetime ago; where she lay on the floor of this tent - starving and exhausted in the midst of her self isolation. It as a miracle she hadn't gone insane through it all. She hadn't allowed herself the comforts of food, nor drink. That alone would drive one insane. Death by starvation was not a thing within Aincrad- but it was a very real and exhausting pain.

 The array of odd scents; flowery herbs, burnt charcoal and others permeated in the air around Mari - she had started brewing her potions and crystals again. She would have been fine with never doing so again; but with the upcoming boss battle others were vying for potions, and Mari was more than willing to give them away to those who needed it.

The inside of the tents floor was no longer filthy. Now it was covered in various mismatched rugs and pillows, it looks comfortable. On the left side of the tent is an old, mahogany table filled with various vials and bottles, with faded labels on them.  On the right side; is a locked glass display case that has a variety of crystals, also labelled. The back of the tent has a small table, that serves as a sort of 'counter'.

Mari headed to said 'counter' and sat down at the low table; setting up the tubes, vials, bottles and bunsen burners to the side; in front of her sat a pestle and mortar. "Never thought I'd be using these again..." Mari quietly said to herself as she pushed back strands of ginger hair away from her freckled face. She wanted to craft the things and get out.

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

Floor 10 always had a nice impression on Crozeph, no matter how gloomy it has been he would always find himself outside. Wandering far from Yomi without a group was one of the brightest ideas for players who are low-leveled or ill-equipped for the perils of the place. Unlike the danger of the intermediate floors, this one seemed to be dangerous when underestimated. Tartarus was one and Crozeph pretty much would walk out of the prison with his HP reduced to a half. It never changed his thoughts about the place, it was quiet but not peaceful and his thoughts where never inclined to have any "I guess I could come out every now and then and possible move to another gloomy floor once I get myself properly equipped."

He was staring at the Stygian river, the flow of water seem to calm him a bit. The occasional fins and tendrils of the monsters lurking beneath were a distraction though "I've seen enough to know where this is..." he then muttered to himself "... oops, wrong place for that choice of words" he said. Crozeph's arms were inside his yukata and after a few minutes of seeing a five-eyed fish emerged from the river gathering oxygen, Crozeph knew he'd seen enough for the day. The walk from the river to Yomi was not that much unless one decides to shuffle like an undead with their feet. Took him maybe a few minutes? a few hours? does it matter? he only needed to return to his shop and get prepared for some expedition alone. The bridge leading to yomi was clearly visible now and he knew that he had to boil some tea as soon as he returned. "No players underestimated the river today"  he thought. A few more feet and he'll be back inside and it suddenly caught his eyes. "What the..." it was a tent outside Yomi, the light was faint and the usual darkness of the floor didn't help. A faint yellow glow was what caught Crozeph's eyes as if a firefly decided to just light up a small portion outside of the village. His direction was changed "how did this went over my head?" he asked himself "oh right, I go by the other bridge going out. Then again..." Crozeph walked towards the tent not knowing what lies inside. Something out of the norm happened and he plans to be part of it, just for a change.

@Mari

[Mari 1]

Mari sighed, having crafted a myriad of potions, she felt like she was done for the day. "Let's see...some crafters respite - best put one aside for Cordelia...Baldur wanted antidotes so that's now taken care of..." Mari was going through her list of what she needed; it looked like she was done. Mari didn't need much for herself, and anything more could be bought from a merchant. "Mmm..." Mari lifted up one of the small vials and sloshed around the contents. Orange liquid - she wondered if it was worth dropping a few of her extras to the beginner floors. Then again, she doubted her presence would be welcomed there.

"If I'm going to keep doing this I really need to consider relocating." Mari said to herself as she hung her head in her hands. Mari once liked the aesthetic of the 10th floor. It was quiet, peaceful - and not many had ventured past. It was a good place to hide away. But Mari no longer wanted to hide, no longer wanted to run. This tent was nothing more than a testament to a past she wanted to forget.

Well, no use dwelling...Mari stood up and dusted herself off, preparing to leave.

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

Crozeph in front of the tent, on it's side and not on the entrance, he was curious and yet stupid as he wouldn't go in "must be the work of the gypsies" he thought. He decided to walk towards the entrance where the light was somehow more bright "like a firefly"  he thought. As soon as he made his way inside he saw a somehow laboratory or shop, maybe both. The vials and flask a mortar and pestle on the counter and other things a laboratory might have or in this game's theme "an alchemist's hideout" he uttered as he puts it that way. The place was obviously dusted and someone had been dusting the place as he shifted his eyes from the contents of the place he saw a girl stand up or a woman? Crozeph felt a chill from his back up to his nape, a familiar feeling "danger? no, I'm just startled" he thought. He saw her, seemed like golden or orange-haired and probably the one who owns the place and this weird feeling he has. "A familiar feeling, yet Ican't seem to recall this kind of instinct-ish thing" Crozeph shook the feeling and took a step back near the door and talked "hi, is this your shop? I saw it while I was making my way back to the village and I saw a warm light so I decided to take a look..." Crozeph looked around "I wasn't planning on taking anything I just... got... curious" he told her, his voice growing faint every next word.  Something inside Crozeph was telling him to reach out to his katana while the other tells him to ask for prices of what she's selling and her response will be the basis of his reaction to her.

@Mari 

[Mari 1]

"H-hello? Sorry - I don't really get customers, so things are a mess - honestly if you see anything you want please just take it and..." Mari paused; wait... he looked familiar.

Her brows furrowed as he continued to talk. Why did he look so.... "CROZEPH!?" Mari exclaimed, a little louder than intended. Her hands immediately covered her mouth, what a way to recognize someone. What a someone to recognize. Mari's heart sank into the pit of her stomach and she felt as though she would have thrown it up right then and there. Crozeph, Crozeph. It had to be him, didn't it?

Mari slowly lowered her hands. "S-Sorry. Sorry that was...really rude of me." That wasn't what she should be apologizing for. Mari glanced back into her tent - it wasn't exactly as accommodating as her house was..."I -uh..." What do you say to someone? How do you explain that you were the reason they were one family member short. Mari swallowed. Her throat felt dry, her hands were shaking. If he were to strike her then and there, she'd let him. She deserved that much at least.

"I uhm...think - maybe, you'd like to come in and have a spot of tea?" Mari asked. No wait, she was getting too ahead of herself. "I mean - you probably don't recognize me but..I'm - uh, I'm Mari." She said quietly as she averted her gaze. There was so much to say to him that she never did back then. Crap - this was awkward. She winced, ready for whatever onslaught he'd give her.

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

Crozeph's was indeed startled and whatever word she would say would be the basis. The girl or woman was surprised too and she seemed like a nice person, Crozeph lowered his guard a bit with her mentioning that he could take anything from the shop "I'm not sure that's profitable considering this place is well-equip...." her next word was as shocking as the reaction that came with it "she knows who I am? the only alchemist I know is Azide" he thought. "Y-yeah I'm Crozeph" he took another step back, how could she know? Crozeph never had too much acquaintances especially with girls but this one know him. "Destiny, Ariel, Hestia, and that woman from Cerulean Silen..." he saw her eye color now "...it can't be" he thought. Crozeph let her talked a few more and it seemed like she doesn't looked well or maybe it got worse when she recognized him. 

Crozeph stepped back in the tent as she offered him tea, she seemed nice but Crozeph had to listen. She introduced herself to him and surely enough the name unearthed a lot of memories he has somehow forgotten. "Mari..."  his reply was faint but he called back at her, a certain memory had kicked in as he recognized her now. The snowy and freezing wind of Floor 4, his half-brother, and a pink-haired woman. This one in front of him however had orange hair and didn't have the stab-anyone-who-ruins-my-mood attitude. Crozeph sat down on the floor with a cushion. He was staring at her, he didn't know how to react to someone who he never expected meeting. He wasn't the type to let go of grudges but he also doesn't let it cloud his judgment also. He unstrapped his katana and placed it on the floor "you looked like you're in pain, did you drink water from the river?" he asked her. what does this encounter hold for him? He thought that he can always play along with life's crazy antics and now might be one of those times.

@Mari

[Mari 1]

Crozeph commented on how much of a loss it would be for Mari to simply give away her wares. She gently shook her head. Mari didn't care about profits, not anymore. Once upon a time she did, once upon a time it was a cruel and cut throat world. Sometimes literally, but Mari found herself caring little about Col. "If you still wanted..." Mari said slowly, "You can. I really don't mind. I have enough set aside for frontliners and myself. No reason to hoard it all away, right?" She sounded strained. She was doing her best to try and offer Crozeph a pleasant face, but wasn't even sure if it were right. 

Mari fiddled with the ends of her scarf, freckled face scrunched in concern as her eyes watched the Myriad of emotions that played across Crozephs face. Surprise. Caution. Then stoic calculation. He took a seat opposite her on a cushion. "T-tea that's right!" 

 

Mari flipped open her HUD as she promptly sat opposite him, she pulled out two cups and a pot from her inventory. "I have a royal milk tea. I hope that's okay." Mari poured Crozeph one and handed it to him in the plain white cup, then poured one herself. She took a small sip.

 

yo looked like you're in pain, did you drink water from the river?" 

Mari's eyes widened as she chokes on her tea. "H-how did... I never told anyone I did tha- I mean..." She coughed. It was a joke. He was joking. So hopefully he thought she was joking too. "I mean... Haha...yeh who'd be dumb enough to do that?" She asked. Mari. Mari was dumb enough to do that.

 "No... I mean- I wasn't expecting to ..." Her eyes lowered as her shoulders fell. "I don't know where to begin with something like this." She said quietly.

 

@Crozeph

 

(Phone post will format later rip)

[Crozeph 0]

Crozep's eyes relaxed a bit, why was he cautious? if she is the Mari he knew back then he would've been the receiver of her rude remarks based on the few times they interacted. She was a bit nervous but not because he's a threat, there's something she wanted to say or something but doesn't seem to know where to start "Baldur told me about it but i didn't expect it to be this... I don't know, worse? he thought. "Nahh I'll just try my luck on somewhere if you're not selling, hoarding is kinda bad if there's an emergency. I get that you have enough but i can't just let myself get things free considering what you spend on making them" he told her. Mari's movements was obvious to Crozeph, he was looking at her like a detective but in a rather curious way of how she ended up returning considering how she looked like she cleaned the place "thank you for the tea, I'd be sure to return the favor, I have some in my shop if you will someday."  

her reaction as he asked her if she drank some water from the river was funny enough to make him give away a faint smile, if it ever was a smile to others. "It's obvious that you're in pain though I'd say it's physical since you seem to strain yourself a little" he said. He was no doctor but careful observation of people helped a lot. Way back Crozeph would sit in a tavern, order a tall glass of ale and watch as other players socialize. he wasn't fond of crowds going larger than 10 persons in. Mari's should sank as she speaks and Crozeph heard a rather unusual line from her as she states that she doesn't know where to start "well that's weird, usually you'd just shrug off things like this with the few conversations we had back then" he said. His memories were still clear no matter how hard he tries to busy himself with worthless things. Even so like his usual self, logic comes first and the most logical thing is to start somewhere "why don't we start from that change of color you have now? last time I saw you your color is like a strawberry dip for biscuits. Now your having a rather lively color" he looked at his cup after "sorry about strawberry dip, I can't seem to find the right description" he added.

@Mari

[Mari 1]

"Spend Making...." Mari tilted her head, "I don't really spend anything - in all honesty I'm only crafting again for the frontliners - but because they need high tier items all these others generally go to waste. Before you got here I was debating on going down to the first floor to offer it to people buuut..." Mari tilted her head to the side. "Yeeeh, I'm not exactly welcomed, and that's understandable." She gently shook her head when he mentioned he'd need to return the favour; a cup of tea was the least she could offer him.

Mari paused to take a drink from her cup, nursing it in her lap. "This is my natural hair colour - I decided...that if I wanted to grow as a person, I should try to take a more natural approach to things, and..." Mari glanced up at Crozeph with a wry smile. "Somehow I don't think strawberry dip pink is something people are born with."

His words were spoken with an even calm Mari couldn't begin to imagine, she wasn't sure if he was putting on a facade or if it was just how he was. If the positions were reversed Mari would have been a whirlwind of emotion. "I'm- not in pain." Mari confirmed. "I'm..." She drew in a deep breath. It felt like her brain had short circuited. "I have a lot of regrets." Mari began, and it was true. "You're right - I'd...back then it was easier for me to turn a blind eye to things. I was damaged and afraid - and so my emotions turned cold - bitter. I've been trying to work on those things. I was hurting and it turned into passive aggressive rage that I tried to rationalize, but it was wrong. I was so very, very wrong."

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

"A lot of regrets"  Crozeph said to himself as they continued to talk. Hearing Mari talk as if she had reached a dead end in her life and trying to make another way to continue somehow made Crozeph feel a little anger. Why do it now? was there someone who made her change her mind? questions ran in Crozeph's head and it's not helping. His katana was just right beside him, if he reached out for it and aimed at Mari's neck he'd be able to avenge his half-brother but is that who he really is? There was something different and it somehow irked Crozeph deep inside that the woman who was once unpredictable when it comes to people mellowed and realized a lot of regrets. "the color suits you though, I guess that's the perk of it being natural" he told her "like I said it's vibrant unlike mine which blends in too well in this floor" he added. Crozeph rested his head on his hand with his elbow on the table, his eyes on the vials around them "things like this remind me of Azide, a shame he died too early. I wanted to spend more time watching him create crystals and potions while talking about his plans for our guild back then" he began to mention his past "don't get me wrong, I didn't fall for him but i did have a respect to him that i rarely give to people" Crozeph gave a faint smile again "when I was with you on the boss raid of Yamata-No-Orochi i also had that respect for you." Crozeph shifted his eyes back to Mari "even though it was crystal clear in my memories what you did Tom, at some point I became a member of Cerulean Silence though it was short lived." 

Crozeph pushed backed his cup to Mari gently with his two finngers "you see the thing with people like me is that we convince ourselves that we can contain the pain inside no matter how big or painful it is"  Crozeph's attitude was getting much more calm. It was a sign to him, he's holding in all the frustrations and anger like he said, he will contain it all. The question is for how long? "you might be very wrong and I might just be one bad day away from turning like you but here we are having a conversation and it seems you've been doing better in my point of view. So I ask, what made you consider a different path from back then?

[Mari 1]

Mari saw the nuances, his eyes widening the glance to his Katana. If she were to take a haphazard guess - he was angry. Rightly so. "You- shouldn't hold things in..." Mari mused as she shifted her eyes down on her hands - still fiddling with her scarf. It unnerved her, how calm he was being. At least outwardly.  "I-..." Mari's brows furrowed. She remembered him joining her guild, although back then - Mari couldn't recall if she knew Crozeph's relation to Tom. Hearing that he had respect for her, tore at her more - because it just meant how much she had let another down. "I don't know what happened to Azide - but I'm...sure he was a great man."  Mari's sentences were haphazard, she tried to talk about whatever was on her mind - but she knew that her words probably didn't make much sense to the man before her.

Mari took a deep breath and rose her head so she could match his eyes. There was such intensity behind him. She had to get her head together. "Holding all that pain inside...it's what- it's what lead to my breakdown, I pushed so many people away, I lost so much, and I caused so much loss. Even if it means you have to strike me - I'd rather you not hold all that pain in." She lifted a trembling hand to cover her heart. The weight of her guilt pressing down on her like a heavy cloud. "That sort of pain warps a person. I know I'm not credible, and probably the last person you want to hear this from, but please don't hold it in. I'm here. I'm in front of you. Don't you have things to say to me? Don't you want to scream at me?" Mari shook her head. "If you want to, do it. We're past the point of formalities, right?"

A silence fell between them and Mari shifted her eyes away. "I never wanted the path I had back then. I never wanted to do any of those things - but I did. And I have no excuse. What's changed? I guess- I realized I can't honour the deaths of those lives I took by wasting away in my tent wishing for death."

@Crozeph

Edited April 10, 2020 by Mari

[Crozeph 0]

Mari's response was a common thing for Crozeph to hear, someone pushed to the edge and fought her way back up even if it means discarding anything unnecessary. The anger was rising but Crozeph was not gonna let himself be washed away by his own emotions, he has done so for so many years and he can't mess up now. His eyes were dead serious looking at her and his facial expressions calm as he can be yet his hands, it was a different story. Her voice telling him to strike her just so he wouldn't hold all the pain inside was very, very tempting. "Yelling is not really a good thing for me, I get tired easily just for shouting a greeting from afar" he told her "however I do agree that we're past the formalities and also" Crozeph's hand reached out to her "a very tempting suggestion from you." Crozeph's right hand reached out and grab a hold of her left. With a sudden motion Crozeph stood up, his feet wearing sock is on the table and he pulled Mari up with his right hand, his grip on her wrist tightened as he pulled. His left hand began to make it's way to her neck. The temptation is slowly creeping on Crozeph, he placed his hand on her neck as he looked her straight in the eyes "I'd never strike someone, I prefer a slow, burning sensation for them" he told her. As Crozeph continued with his rather unusual response, the voices he had been holding back came rushing into his mind, adding more ferocity to the rage he is feeling right now.

"I am doing just fine until someone comes along and f**** things up"

"Why can't people leave me be? I'm doing my best not to get in the way of others"

"Your stepmother thinks that you're way too quiet or reserved and it scares her"

"You may be a son of your father but i don't want Tom to be associated with anti-socials like you!"

"We've been dating for a long time I'm sure you wouldn't object right? I want you to be happy for me Christoff"

"Eh? that guy who stays alone in the library? can he really help us?

"Kill her, kill her, kill her, satiate your anger"

"Azide died on a boss fight "

"Mari is trying to redeem herself"

"Even if it means you have to strike me - I'd rather you not hold all the pain in"

"Just tighten the grip on her neck and she'll go poof"

"Should've just used the katana"

"I also had that respect for you"

"Keep yourself calm my son, I don't want to die seeing you writhing in pain or anger. Please, just for me Christoff"

Crozeph's thought was cleared all of a sudden, it seemed that his grip only tightened on Mari's wrist and his hand was merely holding her neck. His eyes remained calm or rather has now calmed down, he took his hand off her neck and gently placed her hand back on the table; pulling away his as soon as she was down. He must've heard his mother's wish before she passed away "a dying wish" he thought. Crozeph took his feet off the table and sat down again, his eyes on the table but his left hand clenched into a fist a the table and his fingernails had already scratched it "I'm sorry, I..." Crozeph stood up and walked out of the tent quickly. As he made it just outside, he dropped his katana and placed his hand on his chest, he began to breathe heavily as if a weight began to bear down on him "damn it! I can't mess up, I cant!"  he uttered. The anger and frustration he has been suppressing has gone out of control, thanks to him trying to strangle a person who is trying to redeem herself, a person who wants to do things that'll make up for all the bad things that happened because of her, a person who was also pushed too far, someone he still respects. Crozeph fell on his back and rolled to his side, his hand still on his chest "I can't... mess... up"  he then screamed with all the strength he could ever put into it.

@Mari

[Mari 1]

"Heh, wish I had that same apathy to shouting." Mari mused. "I tend to get riled up easily, gotta remember there is such a thing as an inside voice." Mari was slowly calming herself down, it seemed the conversation hadn't  gotten too out of hand at least, there was a strange electricity in the air- she felt goosebumps on her skin and her heart beating hard and fast in her chest. Mari told herself it was her own nerves. "Hey..." Mari started as she lifted her soft eyes from her lap to meet with Crozeph again. "I just wanna sa-urk."

His hand reached out to her, poised like a viper - it snapped to her wrist and jerked her up as he stood. He pulled her, using the table as leverage so she dangled, toes barely touching the ground. Mari winced, it hurt. But it was nothing compared to the pain he had been feeling. It was frightening. Adrenaline flooded her system pumping her heart with beats so hard she felt it may just escape from her chest, or explode. Her eyes were wide, but Mari didn't move. 'He needs this..' She thought to herself.

Even as his other hand snaked around her throat - claiming he'd prefer a slow burning sensation. A slow death. Mari gently placed one hand on the wrist that held her neck. "I-I don't think you'd do that, I trust you w-wouldn't." She said quietly. Mari wanted to comfort him in this moment but the trembling energy that coursed through her body wouldn't let her keep a calm voice. His eyes stared through her, they shook with an untold rage and pain. Everything in Mari told her to run, to wrestle herself free. But would that do either of them any good?

Instead, Mari reached out to him with her other trembling hand, placing it gently on his cheek. "Crozeph?" She asked. Wherever he was, he was not there. He blinked, and his grip on her wrist tightened before he loosened his grip. Lowering her so she were able to stand. "Don't apologize..." Mari said, she couldn't blame him for it. She hid her shaking hands behind her back and exhaled, relishing in the feeling - she hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath. "It's okay...really..." Mari began but he had abruptly stood, apologizing as she left the tent. 

Mari stood in place as she watched. Tears dotting her eyes. This .... this was the sort of pain she had caused. What right did she have in trying to live again? What possible right did she have in being content with where she was? People like Macradon...Cordelia, Oikawa, Baldur - Shield...did she deserve any of them in her life? The easy and immediate answer was no. She didn't. Mari wanted to help Crozeph...but she doubted she'd be the best person to do so. It'd be better if she just stayed away from him, right?

Even so...guilt propelled her forward, step by step. Till tiny hands pulled open the flap of the tent, and there she found him. His Katana dropped to his side - he lay on his back, screaming. Mari winced at the outcry. There was a great pain behind it, the anger in Crozephs actions? His hand to her neck? Fueled by a pain, a lonely and desperate pain. You can't help him. You're like poison to him, to everyone. Walk away.

Mari knelt down beside him, picking up his Katana and gently placing it on his torso.

Leave him alone, go back to isolation. Walk away.

She sat beside him, folding her legs beneath her. "You can. You're only human, right?" She asked quietly. "It's okay to mess up."

Walk away.

Mari shut her stinging eyes. "You're...a good person."

Even if he were to strike her again, wrestle her to the ground or drag her to the lake, throwing her in - she'd accept it. She deserved it. She deserved all his hate, his venom. She deserved that retribution. 

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

The pain in his chest still hasn't subsided but his scream might have released a little of all the pent up pain inside. He wasn't like this for almost 2 decades of his life, he just takes himself out of the picture that it didn't bother him much anymore. Has he grown numb? or was more like an anesthetic option he chose for his life. What ever it was it sure ran out of effectiveness as he and Mari crossed paths again. He held back so much that he forgot how destructive his anger was that his dying mother left him a dying wish "never writhe in anger and pain" he thought. Crozeph's hand was still on his chest as he lay on the ground, he tried to calm his breathing. He can still make himself stand up but a few moments later he felt his weapon placed on him and Mari sitting beside him, He was dead serious on killing her a while ago. It gets easier as he plays the scenario from time to time but now here he is, he might be having a hear attack. 

"You're... a good person"

 Crozeph heard her voice. It is indeed his assurance that Mari is doing what she can to change, grow, a new path for her. Crozeph tried to roll on his back picking up his katana and the orange-haired woman beside him "I couldn't deny anyone happiness even if I could, or i had the resources to" he began to speak and his eyes on the darkness above them "Tom's mother was my father's second wife, he loved them. My stepmother however does not approve of me as a role model for his son, though Tom liked me. I moved out of our house after a year telling my father that I wanted to live a life without depending on him too much but it's just my excuse so i wouldn't ruin their marriage or won't be a factor for my half-brother's maturity" Crozeph paused for a moment then he resumed his story "he was the opposite of me, he even has this thing with hitting on girls which to me was a complete waste of time. I never expected that he would also be trapped in here, in this game. his death probably was the turning point of my whole don't-get-in-the-way-of-others plan."  Crozeph sat up and stared at his weapon "i could never lie to my father, if I ever get out of this place alive I'm going to tell him all that happened. I couldn't deny him the truth but i would be denying him of happiness and for sure they would hate me because i would also tell them that the killer is alive and I know her, she even became my leader for a while" he added.

"Funny thing is i can't deny you happiness either"  he told Mari "Baldur told me about you trying to make things right and it didn't really surprised me, I knew you'd be getting there, The difference would be if I'm still alive if you did and fortunately I am"  Crozeph was rather talkative, he has always been rooting for people while he himself tries to be calm and composed, it was his way of being nice "it's a decision I made, you're a good person also. I see that you regret things and wanted to right the wrongs as much as you can and I..." Crozeph hadn't noticed it, tears. His calm expression was still there but the tears seem to contradict what he is feeling. He was denying himself of a part of him "...can't deny you the chance to be happy again, even if it means I'm letting the killer of my brother live with me as a witness" he told her.  Tears fell on the sheathe of his katana, he bit his lip and his eyes tell of an emotion that he had always hid from others... melancholy.

@Mari

[Mari 1]

Mari quietly listened to his pain. She wished there was a way she could ease it, but was it fair for her to be the one to do that? When she was the direct cause of it? He rolled over, his voice cracking. He was cracking. Mari could see it. The more of his anguish she saw, the more she hated herself. Wouldn't it be better if she weren't around? Mari closed her eyes, wanting those thoughts to go away. She couldn't help anyone if she were gone. She couldn't atone for, nor make up for the loss she had caused if she were dead. There was no glory in death.  Not yet anyway.

Crozeph began to talk about Tom, words flowing from him like a torrential wave- just how long had he kept this all bottled up? How much had he been holding back? Mari was told how Tom was flirtatious, and how he was essentially the golden child of the family whilst Crozeph had willingly allowed himself to be cast aside. Mari picked that Crozeph...seemed like the kind of person who was constantly putting others before himself. Constantly giving more and more of himself. "If we give too much of ourselves away, we're left with nothing." Mari mused quietly as she picked up a small rock from the ground, twirling it between her thumb and forefinger. "When we're nothing but a shell, the slightest of pressure..." She squeezed and the rock crumbled away to dust. "It breaks us."

Mari paused, allowing Crozeph to speak again. "Crozeph...." She reached out to him, but hesitated. Pulling her hand back to rest in her lap. "Of all the things to call me, you call me a good person?" She questioned. "You're so focused on what you're denying others you can't even see what you're denying yourself." Mari turned to him. "You're denying yourself that release you need. You're denying that rage that needs an outlet - else it'll destroy you from the inside out. That's what happened to me. I let everything eat away at me, and look what -" Mari stopped. Her words hitching in her throat as she realized how insensitive she was being.
Tiny tears splattered across the hilt of his blade in small 'plops' Against Mari's better judgement she reached out to him, arms wrapping around his shoulders to pull him into an awkward, side hug. "If you need to, cry - scream, wrap your hands around my throat- do whatever you need to Crozeph. Just don't let that sh*t eat away at you anymore." Mari breathed as a hand lifted to rest in his dark hair.

"I'm sorry Crozeph. I'm sorry for taking him from you." She whispered as she blinked back her own tears.
@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

Floor 4, snow and blizzard are the things he would usually see in that place and probably one of the reason he hated it but not as much as what happened. Crozeph's memories had never betrayed him of what's happened already. He may forget names and much easier to forget nicknames from players it was edgy but then again he is called Crow by those who know him. NOw he's in floor 10 sitting on the ground a player with a mark of a player killer beside him. Tears never stopped as he continued to bite his lip, perhaps Mari is right. All his years he never asked for someone to be with him, he just wanted to be an observer of people around him, help if he can and ignore if he can. This led to him holding in a lot of pain and along with a dying wish it was a blueprint for someone to explode or implode, which comes first won't matter, he'll be hurting himself when the time comes.

As tears continued to fall so was the facade that he has put up for a long time. Tom had been loved by the family and while he's assured of his father's love, he knew that one day there'll be decision to make. The killer is beside him he could kill her but Crozeph once again made a decision, she's deserves a chance. He wanted to tell her that he has been thinking of letting it all go, but was his heart ready? 

As arms began to wrap around him, Crozeph's eyes widened a bit. he was surprised he never expected it. The warmth of a hug, it has been a while but the feeling almost felt new to him. The last time he was hugged was by his cousin who did it as a way to annoy him but this one, trying to make amends. Crozeph's tears fell rather quickly now, The first time they met on the snow of Floor 4 he was looking to her with cold, angered, eyes. The few times they met he looked at her as someone who needs someone to set her straight. Now he looked at her, tears running down as if he had stored them up for so long. Crozeph turned his head, placed his hands to his face hiding the tears, it felt pathetic but what can he do now, everything painful released at the same moment. He couldn't speak, he began to sob and struggling to control it as Mari rested her hand on his head and saying sorry for taking Tom from him and his family "I've been acting like a didn't or was struggling to keep up with my own decision and was never able to tell you properly..."  Crozeph hid his tears with his hand on his face "I-I forgive you"  he uttered before sobbing like a little boy who finally realized he had to let something go.

@Mari

Edited April 11, 2020 by Crozeph

[Mari 1]

At first there was the misty haze of silence. Then slowly but surely it was broken with the faint sounds of sobbing. A heaving breath hitched within a tightened chest as Crozeph cried. Mari didn't know him well enough to know what he was normally like; but it didn't take a close friend, nor a genius to realize just how much pain the youth was shouldering. It was like the final frayed threads that were holding his mask together had finally broke.

Mari shifted, turning her body to him so he could collapse further into her if he needed. He felt so delicate then, as though she'd break him if she moved too fast. His face contorted with trembles that traveled down his form like a small child. He needed this, he really needed this. Mari bit her lip as she felt the tears trickle down the skin of her neck. What could she possibly say to him? How could she even begin to make any of this better?

There were no easy answers - and when faced with the demons of her past - Mari knew she needed to tackle them head on. She gently pried his hands away from his face. "Don't hide this. Don't hold any of it back." Mari whispered, one arm still around him. Mari felt her chest tighten, as her lungs struggled to let another breath in. Her ribs, her body, felt heavy. As she shut her eyes she replayed all the horrors of her past as she literally and figuratively shouldered them in this moment. He uttered three words she never expected to her.

"I-I forgive you"  

He shouldn't. She had done something terrible. Not only to him, but to so many others. How many? How many mothers had lost their child? How many sisters or brothers were lost? Mari softly shook her head. Swallowing her own self hate. He didn't need to hear it right now. Instead, Mari's second arm joined the first and she held him tightly to her, she would till he was done crying. He could soak up all the warmth she had to offer - she'd willingly give it.

It was the least she could do.

"Stay here as long as you need Crozeph."

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

 "You know your father will eventually find you right?"  a girl sitting opposite to his desk told him "plus what's is this in game name Crozeph? are you really going for it?" he told him again. "Yep I'll be Crozeph and you can't do anything about it" he answered. "By the way I met Tom yesterday, he says you should go eat dinner with them more often, nice kid but a bit on the flirt side and you do have one thing in common. You're both a**holes"  she told him. "I'd rather not ruin the dinner more often, his mother will be all anti anti-social to me it's pretty tiring" he replied  "besides I'm doing well on my own, not bothering them is the best I can give." The girl turned around, classes is about to start but before she placed her attention in front of her she turn her head back to him "you'll hurt yourself one day, I know you too well. Maybe the death of your father might break that mask you've been wearing ever since your mother died" she told him "or my brother's, I have a soft spot for siblings" he replied sarcastically. The girl chuckled  "Tom is four years younger than you, you'd be dead before he does"  she told him before completely turning from him. "maybe, maybe not."

Was it a few minutes already? Crozeph didn't know. He lost track of how long has it been as a flash of his memory a week before he was trapped in Aincrad is seen. Surely enough the tables have turned, Tom is dead before he does and now he has forgiven the killer, letting the stored anger and frustration of being unable to help Tom be released from his heart. Mari's hug somehow helped and as his hand was pried away, his eyes were looking at his katana. He felt lighter than he was a while ago as he and Mari talked outside. His sobbing has stopped but tears still fell from his eyes. "This was harder than I thought, at least your hug made it a bit easier" he told Mari "I didn't forget but I mean what I say that I forgive you, others might not but I did." Crozeph smiled at her, this time it wasn't his smile that he gives to anyone but rather a sincere one he could do as he felt a weight off of him but the tears kept falling from his eyes. He felt a relief that he rarely had. "Damn it I look like a kid, I'm supposed to be in my early twenties" he said as he sniffed and tried to wipe his tears as Mari's arms wrapped around him. Crozeph began to cry again as she told him that he can stay as long as he wants. He was like a child, the more he felt her warmth the more the more his mask breaks "the blame is not on yours alone, he died on my watch and that's blood on my hands also" he told her "if you ever felt like you didn't deserve my forgiveness, I'll keep reminding you that I do forgive you." Crozeph held on to her arm "I don't know if I really needed this or not but it makes me feel at ease"  he told her. It must've taken a toll on him being alone and denying himself of things he wanted for the sake of his family, for a dying wish, and others who he met inside the game and this encounter with Mari again might have been the unexpected turn for Crozeph. 

@Mari

Edited April 13, 2020 by Crozeph

[Mari 1]

Mari had no way to tell what was going through his head; the long silence between them the only indication of the memories or thoughts that were no doubt playing through his mind. He was in pain, that was obvious. Each memory of her, and of Tom - were probably painful scars for him. Ones he was only just now acknowledging. Too long were they buried deep and only now were they beginning to be unearthed. It would  be a long and hard process for the man.

"You're holding yourself rather well." Mari said with a gentle and empathetic voice as her soothing hands wove tender fingers through his hair. She admired it. How he was able to open up and cry in front of someone like that, and how even now - he was so ready and willing to forgive her - when she knew...she knew she didn't deserve it. Crozeph finally lifted his head from her shoulder and Mari allowed him. Pulling a handkerchief from her inventory Mari leaned forward and dabbed it under his eyes. "We always feel better when we let even just a part of that weight go, I think." Mari said to him as she lowered her hands to rest in her lap.  "I'm...glad I think, to hear that I managed to help. Even if it was only a tiny bit."

Mari frowned hen Crozeph cursed himself for looking like a kid. "I'm practically thirty, and let me tell ya - crying happens often - even in your adult years. You're grieving. It's normal to cry." At her words he seemed to relax back into her embrace, and Mari felt new wet patches of salty tears as he shed them, like cold raindrops. They sunk into her clothing, touching her skin. Mari lowered her gaze as she wrapped her arms back around him.

You shouldn't forgive me... She thought to herself as he reiterated the fact. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to be absolved of her sins or to be able to laugh, and have friends like she had been. She didn't deserve to pursue things. Not when there was a crumbling and flickering life in her arms now. "Don't be an idiot." Mari said when he said the blame was not only on her but on him. "You couldn't expect such a thing. No one can, no one should."

@Crozeph

[Crozeph 0]

Crozeph's tears stopped falling, he probably cried a glass if he was his usual self calculating things but this moment he was given the chance to express things he never wanted to to an unexpected person. "years of trial and error in living alone taught me a lot, though with the way things are-" Crozeph tried to remember his days inside the game. Wandering, looking for treasure chests, getting caught up in someone else' business, and his frequent stay at the shop. He was almost living the same life he had outside '...my life outside this game is no different than what I have here now, with a few more tragedies thrown in" he told her.  Crozeph felt more relief as he stayed in her arms, was he really that deprived of the warmth? or he simply decided to deny himself of what makes most... human, so that others can be.

Mari's words were that of a person who was caring before, or that's just his opinion. Her telling him that it wasn't his fault was the truth, Crozeph held on to the feeling of irresponsibility and guilt like it was a necklace. "You're right, I never got the chance to grieve properly or the right words to put it is I never let myself grieve" the only time Crozeph showed grief just for a moment is when he stood by the lake, after he saw his brother's death. "You told me I could stay as long as I want, can i just let things out of this chest as much as I can?" Crozeph placed his hand in his chest, gripping his yukata tightly "I might never get the chance to have someone be with me, c-can I just-" Crozeph began to sob again. He had already planned things that are far more dangerous than he had thought. Not that he's trying to get himself killed, he wanted to be there for those he cared inside the game "w-we may never have a chance to talk like this, if we ever meet again it might be somewhere where we are facing something dangerous." Crozeph knew that there will be a different circumstance if they ever meet again. He wanted to release all the pain of his past once and for all. " Seeing you trying to make amends for all the wrong that you've done made me think..." Crozeph held on to her arm, both holding on like a child parting with someone "I-I ask that you don't get yourself killed by others a-and see your marker t-turn green again."  Crozeph's words stuttered a bit as his sob mixed with it "people I-I have spent what p-precious time we have here have d-died, the last thing I want to hear is another one including y-you dying" Crozeph tried to hide his face from her "it might be too much to ask but please."

@Mari