[SP - F2] Ode to Sleep [Completed]

[Lessa 1]

Why won't you let me go?
Do I threaten all your plans? I'm insignificant.
Please tell them you have no plans for me.
I will set my soul on fire. What have I become?

There were no more tears to be shed. Though her eyes were red and puffy, they held no trace of moisture. The overwhelming sadness that had washed over her like a storm earlier that morning was subsiding. And like the period of quiet after a bout of bad weather, Lessa was eerily calm. Her icy blue gaze was crystal clear as she gazed out over the edge. Another breeze seemed to come from the empty space, catching her blonde hair and throwing it backwards over her shoulder. From the nothingness came a breath of freedom she had desired for so long. To simply be give up, as many had before. To die not at the hand of another, but by her own free will. There would be no pain, no complications, and no betrayal. There would be a rush of wind as she fell, and there there would be nothing. And at that moment, nothing was all that the woman wanted.

Had Alkor also desired this nothingness? Had he stood in this same spot, contemplating his own death? No, certainly not. Alkor had been so much stronger than Lessa ever dreamed to be. Alkor had not feared death. Alkor had not been afraid of anything. He had wanted so badly to beat the game, but in the end, it had bettered him. The greatest player she had ever known had fallen. He had simply slipped away while she slept, and like the name from her friend's list, he was forever gone from her life.

Was he happy now? Lessa tightened her hold on the railing, the color draining from her knuckles as the blood rushed to her face. Her cheeks grew warm as she screwed her eyes closed. He was free of the real world, and the troubles he had hoped to escape through the nerve gear. And he was free of Sword Art Online, with its swords, its monsters, and its ability to drive a person to kill another.

And he was free of her. Her poison no longer pulsed through his veins. He had escaped her hold on him, and her warped, convoluted feelings for him. Those emotions she had selfishly twisted into some sort of love without any consideration for the man himself. Lessa gave an anguished cry. Had this been her fault? She had driven him away so many times before, but had she finally driven him to his death? If only she had been there to protect him.

Her eyes opened, and she pushed her body just a bit further over the edge. It would be so easy to simply let go. Her hold on the railing was her only tether to this world. What else did she have to keep her here? Not her family, or anything in the real world. A year had passed, and the front-liners had only cleared nine floors. Deep down, the woman realized it was a lost cause. She would never make it home. And the only person who had given her hope, the only person who had given her strength, was gone now. Alkor had made this life bearable, but he was gone now. Because of me.

[Lessa 1]

"I can't," the girl sputtered suddenly. Her entire body began to shake violently as she realized how close she had come to death. Taking a hurried, graceless step backwards, Lessa wrapped her arms around her torso tightly. "Oh god, oh god, oh god," she muttered, the tears coming back. But these were not tears for Alkor. For the moment, those emotions were exhausted. These were tears for her. Tears of shame, that screamed down her burning cheeks as she took a series of ragged breaths.

There was no one around to see the great Guardian fall, but when she did, it was spectacular. Her quivering legs gave out on her, and the young woman crashed to the ground with a soft thud. She lay there, on her side, in the dirt, her body writhing with panicked sobs. It had come to this. She had been reduced to nothing, a shell of the strong woman everyone believed her to be. Alkor had been her light, but that light had been extinguished. And, as a result, she had nearly taken her own life.

What do they want from me? her mind screamed. Those people who looked up to her, who followed her into battle, and who trusted her with their lives. What did they see in her? She did not have the mind for strategizing, or the experience for leading people. She made people smile, and that was it. That was not enough to keep people alive. It had not been enough to keep Alkor alive.

[Lessa 1]

When she opened her eyes, it was dark.

At some point, the exhausted girl had slipped into a restless sleep. It was a real miracle that nothing had come along and killed her, but perhaps that was just verification that she was meant to keep living.

But she was so tired. As Lessa pulled her legs under her, and did her best to prop herself up on her dirtied palm, her body cried out in protest. Every muscle struggled beneath her weight, and every bone seemed to creak as she shifted her weight from one side to the other. The pink swordswoman remained on the ground, on her hands and knees, for some time. As she fought to catch her breath, she tried to rationalize this feeling. Was she simply overwhelmed? Her health bar revealed she was fine, but she felt far from it.

Finally, Lessa climbed onto shaking legs. She had not bothered to equip any of her gear, but she still felt heavy. There was no way that she would be able to make it back to town. There were still hours before dawn, and the mobs were out in force. If she stayed here much longer, in the state she was in, she would be sure to die. The luck of this celestial force that had kept her alive all day would surely run out before long, and she did not wish to take that chance. So with the last of her energy, Lessa hauled herself into the nearest tree. Wedged between two fat branches, and resting upon a third, she knew this was the best she could manage. And with that thought in mind, her head fell backwards against the bark, and the hopeless player drifted off once more.

[Lessa 1]

Alyssa gave a soft groan, stretching her arms out over her head. Her skin brushed along the soft satin sheets, and her fingertips met the ornate wooden headboard. She traced the designs as she yawned once, then slowly opened her eyes.

The room was dark. The girl sat up slowly, and allowed her eyes to slowly adjust to the dim lighting. As they did so, she pressed her hands to her chest, and let her palms follow the curves of her body. She wore a loss-fitting nightgown, held up by thin spaghetti straps. Her blonde hair fell in loose waves over her shoulders, and her feet were bare.

Finally, Alyssa threw her legs over the side of the bed. She stood, and moved slowly across the cold, tile flooring. She had occupied the only bed in the room, and it seemed that she was alone. A suitcase sat unopened in one corner, resting up against a small, black mini fridge. A flat-screen television stood silently on the opposite side of the room. Nothing seemed out of place. In fact, everything seemed completely untouched.

[Lessa 1]

There was a door. It was open, and the opaque curtains on either side seemed to beckon to her. "Come," they called, rising from the floor like thin whisps of smoke, motioning for her to draw nearer. And as if in a trance, she obliged.

The girl stepped into the night, and was met by a wall of cool air. It held a scent that was unfamiliar to her. Pausing, Alyssa drew in a deep breath. Salt. She had emerged on a balcony, and as she neared the railing, she discovered she at least twenty stories up. What lay below her caused the woman to draw a startled breath. "Oh my gosh," she breathed.

It was the ocean. For as far as she could see, there was nothing but the shimmering blackness of the water in the night. The moon, which seemed so bright in this place, cast a long, golden beam across its surface. Alyssa had never seen the ocean, and it was more than she could have ever imagined. Her hands found the wooden railing, and she leaned forward, drawing it all in. The gentle lapping of the waves on the beach was familiar, as she had experienced it many times on the shore of Lake Michigan.

But the ocean was so different. It seemed to hold a great mystery that its fresh-water counterpart had lacked. It went on forever, and if it were not for the stars in the sky, she would not know where one met the other. Alyssa closed her eyes, and let herself be taken completely by the moment. The air felt good here. This felt right.

[Lessa 1]

"Alkor would love this," the young woman whispered suddenly. She opened her eyes, as if the words had come as a surprise even to her. But she knew the words to be true. He had told her many times about his love for the ocean. From a distant memory, his voice drifted back to her. He had missed the ocean, and she had hoped to see it with him one day. She had told him as much. How had he reacted? The memory was hazy, but she remembered being happy. He made her happy.

"Here we are," Alyssa spoke again, her voice the only sound above the wind and the water. But where was he? Surely, he had come with her. She would not have visited this place without him by her side. This moment was his. This ocean was his. And all she wanted was to be a part of it. He wants the ocean. And I want to make him smile. All I've ever wanted was to make him smile.

Her gaze returned to the edge of the water, and the beach that ran alongside it. That was when she spotted him. A cloaked figure moved slowly across the sand. The wind toyed with the hem of the cloak, but the hood remained securely in place. It did not matter. She did not need to see his face. She knew who it was.

Alyssa had found Alkor at last.

[Lessa 1]

Without a second though, Alyssa turned from the balcony and retreated back into the dark hotel room. The heavy door seemed to move in slow motion as she threw it open, bounding into the hallway. Doors without numbers flashed by, each an exact replica of the one before it. They were painted white, with great, black metallic knockers that seemed incredibly out of place. Finally, she reached the stairwell.

It was like stepping into the sunlight after years in the dark. Everything was painted white, from the walls, to the steps, to the handrails. The blinding lights from above gave the entire stairwell an insane asylum feel, and Alyssa found herself gasping for breath as she stumbled down the steps.

From deep within her came an unbearable desire to reach him. Why was it that she needed so badly to be near him? Why did the thought of him make her whole body ache? She could not understand it, but the girl gave in anyway.

Alyssa reached the bottom landing, and using the momentum from her decent, she threw herself into the door. As it swung away from her, she was plunged back into darkness. The blonde ran blindly, following any path that seemed to lead to the water's edge until her eyes began to adjust once again. Signs protruded from the neatly trimmed grass all around her, arrows pointing one way or another. But she could not seem to read the words, even with the help of the bright moon. Her bare feet thudded across grass, then cement, then wooden planks, before finally finding the sand she had been searching for.

[Lessa 1]

"Alkor," Alyssa called out, stumbling as her bare feet met the sand. She fell forward, the sharp grains digging into her palms and her knees. Bits of dirt and small shells were tossed across her body, dirtying the hem of her nightgown. But she went on, clawing her way back to an upright position, and pushing forward toward the water's edge. The cloaked figure had put quite a bit of distance between them in the time it had taken her to find the beach, and the woman understood she would have to hurry if she were to catch him. "Alkor, wait! Please!"

Tiki torches were scattered across the length of the beach, their flickering lights tossing shadows across the moonlit sand. Alyssa passed them without notice, not bothering to reflect on the beauty of her surroundings. In fact, the young woman did not pause to think about anything that was going on. Her entire being was consumed by a need to find Alkor. But for what reason? What had fanned this flame of desire until it burned her so badly? Furthermore, why was she here at all? And where was 'here?' These questions never crossed her mind as the deep sand shifted under her weight, throwing her slightly off balance with every step.

[Lessa 1]

After what may have been an eternity, she reached him. Gasping for breath, Alyssa moved up alongside him. "Alkor," she croaked a final time. Then, she extended a shaking hand toward his arm. His cloak was warm to the touch as she clenched the fabric in her fist. With a gentle tug, she turned the figure around.

The hood fell away.

It was not Alkor.

The man who looked down at her regarded the girl with gentle blue eyes. They held a love for her that caught her breath in her throat. Her body began to shake, racked with noiseless sobs that seemed to come from nowhere. His skin was weathered, looking a bit like leather beneath the light of the full moon. Short whiskers dotted his cheeks, and laughter lines hung on each eye like the fragile cracks in an eggs shell. A soft gust of salty wind met the beach, and tousled his short salt-and-pepper hair. The smile he offered her was a sad one.

"Dad?"

[Lessa 1]

He held his arms out wide, and the blonde collapsed into him. Crashing into his broad chest, Alyssa buried her face in his shirt, snaking her arms around his waist so she could squeeze him tighter.

"Oh, Lys," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her shaking frame. He placed a hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair with his thumb as he embraced her. "Shhhh. You're alright. You're alright, don't worry."

The pair stood there like that for quite some time, the man supporting his daughter as her weak legs shook. Finally, "I've missed you so much, Dad."
"I know, sweetheart. We all miss you too."
His use of the present tense did not go unnoticed, and Alyssa pulled back slightly. "Why are you here?" She asked him softly.
The answer was simple. "Because you need me."
"I-I do?" Alyssa stuttered. Her face twisted as she did her best to remember why. She'd been away for a while, that she knew. But where had she been? Everything seemed a bit hazy.

Her father moved to hold his daughter's shoulders, then he held her out at arm's length. "Look at you," he commented, a pained expression on his hardened face. "You're falling apart."

[Lessa 1]

His words struck a chord, and Alyssa frowned as she realized she could not argue him. Fragmented memories began to drift back to her, but her understanding of them still left much to be desired. She felt as if she were being shown pieces of a movie out of order. She had such strong emotions, but could not remember why. There was loss, dread, and longing, but for what, she had no idea. She did remember that she was in a game called Sword Art Online, and a handful of experiences from the past year returned to her. But there was not much to work with. Desperately, she clung to these fleeting moments, doing her best to decipher them.

"Alkor is gone, isn't he?" She finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes," came his simple reply.

"That's why."

Her father tilted his head slightly, clearly not understanding his daughter's comment. "What do you mean?"

"That's why," she repeated. Then, she turned away from him, gaze moving out across the black sea. "That's why I'm falling apart."

The man shook his head before heaving a great sigh. "No," he told her, almost matter-of-factly. "That isn't right."

It was Alyssa's turn to be confused. "No?"

"No," he said once more. He gave his daughter's shoulders a firm squeeze. "You've been falling apart for a long time now."

[Lessa 1]

"No," Alyssa interrupted, shaking her head. "No, I've been strong. I beat Orochi. I killed the salamander." Her voice seemed to climb an octave. "I was strong. He made me strong."

"Alyssa, listen to yourself!" Her father shot back. "Your strength does not come from another person! What in the world made you think that?"

"It does!" She cried. "Its different in SAO, Dad. Its so hard. You're not there with me, you wouldn't know. Alkor was there for me. He was the first one who cared, and being with him made me feel safe. After being away from you for so long, I began to forget." Her cheeks reddened as she continued. "But I didn't forget him. He was there. He became my reason, for everything."

She was shaking by the time she finished. Her father remained silent, watching his daughter with sad eyes. Finally, she spoke again.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

[Lessa 1]

The heavy silence continued to hang between them. Her father's blue eyes had a steady hold on hers. They were the same shade, like the murky water that lapped at the shore a few feet from them. It was a dark blue, with a darker rim around the edges. There was no purity to this color, and she was nothing like those blessed with aquamarine eyes. In fact, under the right conditions, her orbs had a greenish tint to them. But they always sparkled. There was a love of life in Alyssa's eyes that never seemed to fade. Even in her current state, her father could see this faint gleam. And it brought a soft smile to his lips. His eye color had not been the only thing he had shared with his daughter.

 

"Even as you say all this," he began tenderly, "I think you know that it isn't true." He took a step toward her, and when she did not shy away, he reached for her cheek. "You're right, I'm not in the game with you. I cannot imagine what you must do to survive. But I think you were scared. You were scared, and it was easier for you to latch onto something than to find your own courage."

 

As Alyssa opened her mouth to argue, her father shook his head. He brushed her cheek with his finger softly. "It wasn't wrong, Lys. No one can fault you for it. But now it is time to take control of your own life again. Be your own advocate."

 

Those words. Be your own advocate. She had grown up hearing that from him. When she was not picked for the lead role in the 8th grade musical. When another delegate at the Model UN conference took credit for her work. When her professor gave her an exceptionally low grade on an excellent piece of work. And the day before she put on the nerve gear, when she expressed her worry over job interviews. Be your own advocate. Stand up for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what you're capable of. Now show them. Show them what you can do.

 

"You needed him once. I believe that. But you don't need him anymore. You're ready."

[Lessa 1]

"But," Alyssa's words were slow and deliberate, as if she were deep in thought. "How do I know? How can I be sure that I'm strong enough?"

 

And suddenly, it began to snow.

 

Fat flakes began to drift lazily from the sky, hanging on the breeze that rolled off the ocean, and shimmering beneath the light cast by the orange moon. The girl held out a hand, and she watched the bits of snow disappear just before making impact with her bare skin. The temperature never changed, and the sky never shifted. The waves continued their endless crashing, and the small flames on the tiki torches were not extinguished. But the snow fell.

 

Flabbergasted, Alyssa turned to her father. He was watching her expectantly, seeming to hardly notice the impossible scene unfolding around them.

 

"Dad," the girl whispered. "Why is it snowing?"

 

The man pulled his hand back, before shoving it deep into the pocket of his khaki shorts. The cloak that she had mistaken for Alkor's fanned out slightly as he moved his arm. "I have no idea," he replied simply. "This is your dream."

[Lessa 1]

Alyssa was at a complete loss. "I-I just don't know," came her hoarse whisper.

 

Her father, sensing her discomfort, spoke again. "It must have some significance to you."

 

"The snow?" She asked him. When he nodded, the woman bit the inside of her cheek. Of course snow was significant to her. She had loved it as a child, and that fascination with the cold was something she could not quite outgrow. Alyssa spent hours on the ski slopes, and racing her mare bareback through the drifts. It had always held a sort of mystery to her; a kind of romance that always brought her joy. That was why she spent as much time as she did on the forth floor.

 

The forth floor. Had something happened there? Of course, the forth floor held a trove of memories. Some were more pleasant than others. But her mind immediately went to that evening in the Starglades.

 

"Orochi?" She finally put voice to her thoughts. "It must have been when we beat Orochi."

[Lessa 1]

"We?" Her father repeated.

 

"Yes, Alkor and I."

At this, the man's leathery face scrunched in thought. "No," he told her, finally. "No, I don't think that's it."

 

The girl opened her mouth to ask him to elaborate, but she closed it almost immediately. Another one of his vague answers would only drive her crazy. Besides, if he was a figment of her imagination, how much did he really know? So Alyssa sighed, and watched the snow vanish as it neared her hand. Though there was a slight chill in the air, it was nothing like the frigid temperatures and whiteouts from the forth floor. Closing her eyes, she tried to put herself back in that environment.

 

Perhaps it was the magic of this dream world, or simply her own imagination, but Alyssa could feel it. The biting wind as it stung her cheeks. The barrage of snowflakes that obstructed her vision. The effort required to simply lift one leg and place it again in the deep snow. The raw pain in her chest and throat with each pull of the gelid air. And the sight of the massive ice-covered fist crashing down just inches from her body, sending chunks of snow and ice flying, and a paralyzing fear through her entire system.

[Lessa 1]

"Avalanche," the girl whispered, the realization washing over her like the waves across the sand. "Its Avalanche, isn't it?" When her father did not answer, she spoke again. "I killed Avalanche. I almost died, but I beat it." Alyssa's voice grew softer. "I beat it without Alkor."

 

"Where was Alkor?"

 

"I-I don't remember. I think he was off doing something else. Or I couldn't reach him. But I went anyway. I wanted to do something by myself. To prove I could."

 

"And how did you feel when you were finished?" Her father prompted her, gently pushing his daughter along toward the conclusion she would have to draw for herself.

 

"I felt... tired." The blonde gave a humorless laugh. Then, her face cleared again. "But later, I felt really good. I felt powerful. I felt that I had control over something in that game, for the first time in a very, very long time."

 

"Then what happened?"

 

A shadow crossed Alyssa's face. "Alkor beat me in the Clash of Blades tournament."

[Lessa 1]

When he spoke, the man's voice was tender. "So he hurt you?"

 

"No!" She nearly shouted her answer, but when she realized she had spoken too quickly, her face flushed. "Well, yes. But he didn't mean to."

 

"And has he hurt you before?"

 

Alyssa brought her hands to her face. The threat of tears returned to her again, but she shoved them away. Bravely, she continued. "He doesn't mean to, Dad. He's just so strong. So focused. He doesn't have time to worry about my feelings." Then, realizing the tense she had used, "I mean, he didn't."

 

"So Alkor was too busy to worry about how his actions affected you?"

 

She shook her head, her hands still covering her eyes. "He was busy trying to beat the game, and -"

 

"You didn't answer my question," her father interrupted.

 

There was a moment of quiet between them. A few yards off, the wind rustled the leaves of a tall palm tree. Finally, she whispered, "yes. I guess he was too busy for me."

 

"That does not sound like much of a leader to me."

[Lessa 1]

"Alkor didn't want to be a leader," Alyssa said softly. "He never wanted that. He wanted to be alone. I don't - god, I don't even know why he wanted me. At the end, he didn't. He told me as much. But before then..." She lost the words, and the pair was plunged into silence once more. A few minutes passed before she spoke again. "I don't know why I tried to turn him into something he wasn't. I tried to make him into what I needed, and that wasn't fair."

 

Her hands fell away, and when she turned back to her father, her blue eyes shone with new clarity. "He was never meant to be my savior."

 

"So what are you going to do now, Alyssa?" Came her father's voice over the sound of the crashing waves.

 

[Lessa 1]

"I'm going to be that leader. The one Alkor did not want to be. The one he couldn't be."

"How?"

 

"I'm going to fight. I'm going to beat the game. But I won't do it the way he did." Her hands clenched into fists. "I'm going to bring people with me. He pushed people away, but I am going to draw them closer. I am going to inspire them. I am going to give them hope, Dad."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because," she finished, breathlessly. "That's what I'm good at. If nothing else, I can help people. I can give them something believe in. And there is so little hope in that place. It needs more hope."

 

"It needs you. It needs you, like this. It needs Alyssa. Forget Lessa. Show them Alyssa."

 

"I will."