[PP-F09] Cooking with Friends! {Freyd, Mina, and Elora}

[Elora 0]

As the trio began their meal, Elora attempted to mimic Mina's "itadakimasu".

"... you butchered that so badly that the auto-translator couldn't pick it up."

"Donkey... what?" 

"Eat a donkey mass? Is that not how you say it? Eek i docki MASS --", she tried again, pronouncing each syllable as if she was chewing on glass. After several seconds of making strange faces and guttural demon noises, she eventually muttered, "How do you say your vowels so softly?"

With a wave of her hand, she ushered the conversation forward. 

Elora was partial to their hostess's logic. As angsty and futile as the 'don't trust anyone' bit was, it held a fair deal of truth. On the contrary, she'd also made many more allies than enemies in this reality. Maybe SAO carried a greater sense of mutual respect, or at the very least, a different pecking order. The conversation moved to the topic of a song. She couldn't say she was familiar with it. 

"Declan was pretty fond of it...", Mina seemed to reminisce. Was. Expressions gave way to understanding, a painful indication that she had lost someone permanently, not through a dramatic breakup. Elora could only imagine her grief. For as reckless as she'd been in her fledgling days, she scarcely came close to death. Such a shitty thing to happen. Maybe she'd assumed too much. The person could have died from any manner of things: old age, a perilous fall, a potato chip down the wrong pipe. Curiosity kindled her imagination, but she knew better than to prod into such sensitive details. So instead, Elora observed her assessment of Freyd.

"At first I thought he was just a Gemini clone that Freyd had following him around,", declared, Mina, "he certainly wouldn't have been the first~" 

"Wait.  What --", Freyd had begun.

"Who was the first--?", she asked at exactly the same time. What first seemed to be a rhetorical quip was actually an earnest inquiry. Mina had a way about her that implied an aged knowledge. With how many people she seemed to know, maybe Elora could learn a thing or two about all the things she'd slept through.

"Who do you know that has a gemini clone following them around?", Freyd swiftly insisted.

[tricolor_mina 0]

Violet's expression changed to one of mild amusement at the unintentional parroting.  It was cute, in a way. "It's something that became a trend after the shenanigans with the shadow." she said idly, looking over at Akane. "Rosa started getting reports from people who had recently completed the quest after what went down, something about people being followed by someone who never seemed to have the same face. A faceless, nameless ghost that chases and chases." she leaned on her left hand, her eyes darkening slightly.

"Gemini do usually follow the player around, but only on the floor that you can challenge them on." Akane had returned, a few sheets of screen-paper having replaced the newspaper. "Some of them seem to have... glitched for a lack of a better word. All the ones that got glitched have a strangely... melty way of revealing themselves. Happened to mine, actually, so It's definitely a real scenario... whether or not its actually the Gemini mob is another thing." The pictures all showed players who had engaged against their gemini's, the figures who resembled them looking horrific with what looked like black ichor leaking from their eyes and mouths, the irises of the gemini a soulless pitch-black in color.

it was mildly disturbing, to say the least.

"So it's less one person, than multiple... and we aren't fully sure they happen to be a gemini." she said idly, fiddling with her spoon, "I'd suggest getting someone from Firm Anima to look into it when you get the chance, its rather strange after all. But we aren't here to talk about that - and before you say anything about it being a possibility, I physically don't think that's what Montjoy is, so all three of you can calm down." her eyes narrowed as her gaze drifted to the completely stilled shadows. it looked like nothing was rendering properly with how still they were.

[Freyd 0]

"I...err...your information may be slightly incomplete,"  Freyd added, deliberately turning his attention back to his plate.  "I've seen gemini on other floors.  Many other floors, actually.  And many, many, MANY gemini.  A whole forest full of the things.  I even saw one claw its way out of a player once... oh! Twice, actually."  Poking randomly at his meal, as if trying to distract himself from the topic, he swiftly shoveled in a mouthful to prevent himself from saying anything more.

"So, if Montjoy's not a gemini, then what do you suppose he is?  Simmone's mirror revealed him as Takeshi - I mean, other world me - though I'd figured that much out long before."  Stirring the pieces on his plate, one might have assumed he was shuffling chess pieces around.  "He's been a thorn, or conscience, in my side for ages now.  But, though I rarely admit it, he gave me some good advice."  A warm and friendly smile beamed Elora's way.  He'd never have befriended her, or more honestly let her befriend him without the shadow's urging.  She'd led him towards his humanity in more ways than he could ever fully express.  The other shadows resumed their normal dance about the room, save Montjoy himself, whose silhouette stood frozen against the wall behind Freyd with hands tucked casually in pants pockets as if listening for Mina's answer.

"Many things have changed since the raid," he added, hesitantly and laced with coy ambiguity.  "I can definitely have a few people look into those figures you mentioned and see what can be found.  If there are any more of Shadow's minions on the loose, we'll put a stop to it.  At least the Sundered Spire seems to have finally been fully quashed.  They've given us no more trouble since Lun'Rael's second fall."

Edited November 22, 2023 by Freyd

[Elora 0]

"It's something that became a trend after the shenanigans with the shadow.", began Mina. 

Of course it was., she huffed knowingly. Elora could feel her spine slide down in her seat as the pink-haired player went on to describe reports from her intel. How was it that this game always managed to invent more fucked up and even creepier things to torment them with on a day-to-day basis? What was next? A personal manifestation of her worst fears programmed to pop into her vicinity at the start of every morning? 

"...Some of them seem to have... glitched for a lack of a better word.", Akame had reentered the conversation. "All the ones that got glitched have a strangely... melty way of revealing themselves."

"Glitch or not, that doesn't sound like the most threatening thing.", Elora stated matter-of-factly, "There's certainly greater things to worry about than oozy mobs." On second thought, that doesn't sound the most ideal.

"So it's less one person, than multiple... and we aren't fully sure they happen to be a gemini."

Disappointing.

"I...err...your information may be slightly incomplete,", Freyd prefaced a list of his accounts before asking, "...So, if Montjoy's not a gemini, then what do you suppose he is?"

Maybe Elora was dim for not recognizing the importance of uncovering the shadowy counterpart's identity. I guess knowing what he is would make it easier to stop him., she reasoned. Wait...are we trying to stop him?, came a reevaluation, Are we trying to get rid of him? Why else would it matter? Does Freyd want to know just for the sake of knowing?  By now, her face had scrunched into a state of speculation. Swirling vapors of synthetic steam rose up from her stagnant stew, reminding her of the exchange she should probably be involved with.

"...If there are any more of Shadow's minions on the loose, we'll put a stop to it.", insured Freyd, "At least the Sundered Spire seems to have finally been fully quashed.  They've given us no more trouble since Lun'Rael's second fall."

Lun'Rael? Should she have been familiar with that as well? "If it's not Shadow, it'll be something else --", Elora started with eyes faced forward, "I don't think we're ever meant to destroy everything that's here." The observation wasn't meant to be pessimistic, just practical.

[tricolor_mina 0]

at Freyd's comment on her intel being incomplete, violet shrugged. "Well, with most of our network down after Rikers got almost demolished... none of us really have a whole lot of up to date information." she sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. "I'll probably bug you later for all of the details, but I'd much rather avoid mixing business with pleasure, ne?"

Violet looked over at Elora with a bemused expression. "Those things get a bit more terrifying when they appear in groups of 5 or more." she took a few more bites of stew, frowning "Even a sweet little rabbit can be terrifying if it comes in a horde, and it suddenly has a set of sharp little teeth... and a taste for a players flesh. Never underestimate anything, or you'll be risking not only your life, but the lives of those around you. Just some simple food for thought, ne?"

Violet tilted her head at Freyd when he explained his thoughts on what he thought Montjoy was, letting out a soft laugh. "Well, Montjoy is a part of you, or at the very least, he mimics a part of you." she carefully played around with her fork, her gaze drifting to her friend's shadow. "Have you ever wished you could understand how other people can feel, how they tick? I know you're aware of how Montjoy behaves... but have you put any thought into what he could represent..?" The shadowy presence seemed to be just as even-tempered... but instead of being energetic and somewhat erratic, Montjoy seemed to be a gentle, calm presence with a meticulously rational thought process.

"A Mirror  of your heart, Someone you saw in a mirror that reflects one's self..." violet's visible eye twinkled as she turned back to Freyd, a gentle smile crossing her face. "You should probably keep focusing on understanding why you have him, and not how you can get rid of him. At the bare minimum, he isn't malicious towards you. If anything, he's been nothing but helpful from what you've told me about him, and from what I've personally witnessed."

her eye turned towards Elora, her smile fading slightly. "And I would appreciate being able to hear your thoughts on the matter as well, seeing as you were around during his first appearance. Perhaps that may shine a better light on it?"

[Freyd 0]

Could he do it?  Was it actually even possible for him to let down his guard, even for a single moment?  If there were people with whom ever he'd consider it, two of them were sitting with him now.  Akame was an issue.  He didn't know or trust the man in the slightest, and the fellow seemed quite keen to keep it that way.  The best he managed was to actually show that he was considering it.  That, alone, was a monumental achievement.  Turning to gaze at Montjoy as Mina spoke her theories... or questions.  It was a nice trick, and one he often used himself.  Twice he half-turned, tempted to redirect and obfuscate, but couldn't.  Both times, words melted away in his mouth like a tasty au jou, savoury and seasoned to perfection to capture one's palate; too tempting to pull oneself away.

"A mirror of the heart?" There was no disbelief.  Freyd actually sounded like he was questioning himself more than anything.  Repeating the words didn't make them compute any better, but the idea had definitely landed  its tender hooks.  Haltingly turning away to look at Elora instead, confusion and doubt were plain upon his face, but over what was unclear.  A quick flinching of his brow settled it.  Freyd was uncertain - a feat so rare that he could probably count its instances on a single hand without having to sprout any fictional bonus digits.

"I mean... he's damnably inconvenient in his timing, but...I'm not even sure that I get what you mean."  There it was.  Never show weakness, he'd always been told, then told himself.  Never show doubt.  Never hesitate.  Always have an answer... except he didn't, and wouldn't layer on another in a series of infinite veils forever cast around him... like a cowl.  To do so felt like a betrayal.  He would not betray his friends.

Even to keep a vow?

A haunting thought.

"How do you both do it," he asked, sounding winded without apparent reason.  ''Deal with overwhelming tides of emotion, I mean.  I've always just smothered everything down... so far down."  Without thinking or realizing it, Freyd had placed a hand over Elora's.  His head tilting for greater scrutiny upon noticing that Montjoy had moved the same way.  Could the puppet move the master?  What a terrifying prospect, especially to someone... something... like him.  When Mina turned to ask Elora her opinions on the matter, all he could do was look on strangely, like a lost puppy, which is precisely what he was when it came to this particular topic.

Edited March 20 by Freyd

[Elora 0]

 "Even a sweet little rabbit can be terrifying if it comes in a horde, and it suddenly has a set of sharp little teeth... and a taste for a players flesh."

The example evoked imagery of a certain white-haired rabbit devouring regiments of soldiers near the maw of a cave. So the legends are true., she considered with an especially cautious slurp of soup.

Mina and Freyd continued their deliberation on Montjoy. "...Have you ever wished you could understand how other people can feel, how they tick? I know you're aware of how Montjoy behaves... but have you put any thought into what he could represent..?", the former had questioned

Elora leaned back in her seat as thoughts whirred to entertain the idea. Seems unnecessarily complicated, analyzing it all like that. Wouldn't it be self-evident? She found her eyes drifting to those in the room. Yep, everyone's hurt in some way. Or at least -- that's probably safe to assume. Should I really be assuming more than that?

By now, she had interlocked gazes with the infamous Montjoy.

"And I would appreciate being able to hear your thoughts on the matter as well, seeing as you were around during his first appearance.", Mina appended as if on-cue.

"Oh, his first? Hadn't realized", she admitted with a nervous shift, "Uhh -- well at first, I didn't trust him -- something about how patronizing he seemed, stuck up and all too put together." The elven player spared a moment to temper herself. How would I place it?, she blinked as memories began to reconstruct that day. "I'd say he feels like the foil to Freyd, but that's quite right. He shared a lot more, but makes less sense. Well, actually -- they both make sense in different ways." Rambling again. "I don't know.", she muttered as a hand combed through the fringes of her bangs, "I only know as much as they tell me. I trust that that's enough."

Montjoy seems to be more emotional, I guess. He at least acted like he was better at saying his feelings than Freyd did. But Freyd was always better at showing his feelings. It felt like steam would escape her ears if she willed her gears to turn any faster.

"How do you both do it,", her partner soon wondered,  ''Deal with overwhelming tides of emotion, I mean.  I've always just smothered everything down... so far down."

"You cry.", Elora stated surely, before her thoughts could even catch up. "Sometimes scream, sometimes hurt others -- then yourself." Her hand had constricted around Freyd's. For a split second, her glance had met with Mina's before darting to the table-setting in front of her. "There are certain waves too large to sail over, and when you meet them, they overturn you. Dealing with emotion...is in destroying every part of yourself. Her pointed ears twitched as an analogy came to mind. "Like Roman concrete -- we're built to heal in the wake of adversity. The fractures that rack us aren't our weakness, they're a formula to make us stronger."

[tricolor_mina 0]

"I don't think he's inconvenient, not after our first interaction at least." Montjoy had been gentle presence, one that had only arrived to help. If only to calm the deep-seated tension in both of their hearts. "He appeared when he was needed, driving home a point of understanding that neither of us could convey on our own, and faded back to your shadow." Violet set her utensils down, finally finished with her meal. Akame had fluttered over, chirping as she landed on her shoulder.

Violet watched Elora, her only eye taking in the way the other girl looked. Pale, minty green hair, and soft blue eyes that seemed much more vibrant than the chilled embers of her own. A gentle, genuine smile flitted across her face as she watched her slowly describe how she felt about Montjoy, that he was a strange balance or foil for Freyd. it was little wonder in her eyes how Freyd had fallen for this girl. Violet spawned a notepad, her left hand flitting across a floating keyboard as she wrote down their observations on Montjoy. 'Freyd Views Montjoy as some sort of alternative, or rather, the person that he should be, or would have been. In other words, who Takeshi could have been.' she thought, her eye narrowing slightly. 'To me, he appears like a helpful identity produced by the cardinal system, in an aim to mend his heart. Elora, on the other hand, seems to lack the required information to create a proper opinion, in her words at least. Though much like myself and Freyd, she seems to view Montjoy as a helpful presence, rather than a detrimental one.'

At the comment of Roman concrete, Violet hummed in agreement. "What's more, those fractures heal when exposed to water. A little bit of water can make that concrete far stronger than anything we're capable of making today." she slid the notepad forward, the privacy filter having been turned off so that both Elora and Freyd could read it. "Now then, have a look at this." It was a simple document, only consisting of a recap of the current conversation, and their own thoughts on the matter at hand - the topic being Montjoy. Elora's highlighted in green, Freyd's in a dark blue, her own in a bright pink... And Montjoy's in a pale blue. 'I am a part of 'Takeshi', just like Freyd.' "I should have been taking notes from the beginning, so I apologize deeply for the rather bare-bones nature of them."

Violet tapped the notepad, her smile fading for a serious frown. "So far, the consensus between us all is that Montjoy himself is not harmful to you, at least not in an immediately obvious way." her fingers traced the point that Montjoy made. "I color-coded everyone's thoughts for easy reference, your shadowy friend included." She brushed her other hand against the mask covering part of her face, sending it into her inventory. The thick, gnarled scar that stretched across the left side of her face was plainly visible, though its intensity had been dulled thanks to the filter of the virtual world that they currently resided within. Her left eye had been dyed a soft, milky pink, belying how it likely would have been in the real world, though just like her right eye, it was physically in perfect condition.

An almost Idyllic curse, one she would have praised long ago.

Akame nuzzled her cheek, worry in the tiny dragon's eyes as she looked up at her master. "Now then, we can continue along this path for the moment, to see if we can make some headway..." she trailed off for a moment, before looking at Freyd. "Or we can take a temporary break, and talk about something lighter than this. I'll leave that discretion to the two of you, as I am fine with either." As she spoke, her hand travelled to her menu once more, a diamond-shaped recording crystal tumbling onto the table.

"It's your call."

[Freyd 0]

"I only know as much as they tell me. I trust that that's enough."

Odd that such a throwaway line would make such an impact, simultaneously heartwarming and soulcrushing at the same time. His heart felt like it flinched at the statement, even while Elora meant to dodge further engagement in speculation.  The wave metaphor for emotions seemed both apt and poignant, matching his own limited experiences.  

“Nice architectural reference, with the concrete,” he added, smiling meekly.  “My father would have approved.”

Crows’ feet clawed at the edges of his eyes as Mina clinically laid out her summary and analysis, Freyd’s features seeming to age and draw taut with every added word.  Both would catch lips pursing shut against the distraction of the spoon half-deposited and half-crashing into the bowl before him.  He looked like he had see a ghost, or possibly become one, given his extra pallor.  Scanning the words on the turned the tablet, a long pause followed while he struggled with both demons and nature alike, within himself.  Shadows, bidden by protective instincts, silently gathered to close off the alcove where Akana reclined in his overwhelming boredom, none of them wiser to the secretive segregation. What followed was not for strangers. The pause that followed was as long as it was awkward.

"It's your call."

Several times he tried to speak the words log jammed at the tip of his tongue, something fiercely denying them being spoken aloud.  They deserve to know!  Wincing like from physical pain, Freyd’s jaw set in its struggle of will versus nature.  Truly, he knew not which would triumph, nor even which he wanted to win.  This was a longstanding conflict, but never had The Thing Behind All Lies been so close to potential release.

“I’ve always appreciated your insights, Mina, and your candour.”  Throat hoarse, it sounded like he’d swallowed every ounce of saliva from his body before struggling to speak.  Plain sincerity spoke volumes through the mirror of his steel blue eyes gazing upon both halves of her face with equal and unbridled respect. Thinking back, it would occur to them that Freyd was never phased by anything or anyone’s appearance. His measure of others always followed wholly different metrics.

Lips and jaw wobbled with startling uncertainty in a face cultivated for confidence and resolve.  Something was desperately trying to get out.

“Tell me, Mina…”  still croaking, nearly pleading, “you’re a very good judge of character.  Given what you know of… Freyd and Takeshi, even Montjoy, what quest would you imagine they all faced together first in this world?  If you’re as sharp as I think you are, it shouldn’t surprise you in the least.  And what might have come out of it… if they had failed.”

Montjoy’s silhouette stood attentively in profile, off caster and projected high against a nearby wall, his head hung in shame or inexplicable regret.  He too, it seemed, wanted to see if she could piece it together.

Edited May 4 by Freyd

[Elora 0]

Azure eyes regarded Mina curiously, then cautiously as she summoned a notepad to hand. What is she writing down...?, Elora narrowed her eyes to peer at the text. A transcription? What the hell? To document such a vulnerable discussion felt unnecessarily judgmental and detached. Maybe that's the point --, Elora seethed, She's not even tryin' to listen to Freyd, just prod and gawk at him like some sort of lab rat -- Perhaps her thoughts had been less quiet than she had hoped, for only a matter of moments later, Mina warily removed the veil that shielded her features.

The intensity of Elora's scowl slowly softened at the sight. She wasn't shocked, surprised, or even feigning sympathy at their host's unfortunate disfigurement. Instead, her easement seemed to indicate respect, an acknowledgement and appreciation for disguises mutually lowered. Tension held in her hidden hand unfurled ever so slightly as the other remained limply draped over Freyd's.

There was a palatable presence that drenched the room, a sensation entirely indiscernible, yet deeply understood; a single second suspended so delicately in this very moment. She found herself welcomed by a familiar lightness as all of the air drew briskly from her chest. Was there even any to bleed from this ephemeral mannequin? The traces of an exhale caught in her throat, its escape stifled by an enemy unknown. Everything was brittle, balanced precariously like a feather about to fall into an unfathomable abyss.

Elora's instincts screamed for retreat. This was the moment to run, to irreparably deface whatever futile cause she had sacrificed her heart to. Too many times. It was never enough. She was never enough. She needed to ruin it. She always ruined it. Something deep inside of her ached for control, a way to turn the tides against herself. Drown out the thoughts.

Her hairs were standing on end. 

Brace for the storm.

This time, she had the power to reach out, to save another from disappearing beneath the waves. Fingers drew down, determining to intertwine with Freyd's. If there was anything Elora had ever willed for a gesture to communicate, it was that she was prepared for whatever came next.

Even if it tore them from their foundation, even if it destroyed her along with him, she would try to be his tether.

[tricolor_mina 0]

♬

Violet watched as Freyd struggled to speak, knowing full well how much pain he was likely feeling. It had to be incredibly, incredibly agonizing to allow his walls to collapse for even the barest, briefest of moments. 'You're hurting... you're hurting bad, and you can barely comprehend it.. can you?' Elora was much more tense than before, the barest trace of anger flitting across her face as she slid the notebook forward... the anger fading almost instantly the moment she'd dropped her mask away. Now it was replaced by concern, along with traces of concern and apprehension as she watched Freyd slowly begin to crack. he looked so gentle, so happy as he responded to his love. 'but... you're learning. You're finally starting to understand you don't have to fight your battles alone.'

A gentle hand pressed against her shoulders, comforting her as she bawled into the siding of a casket

“I’ve always appreciated your insights, Mina, and your candour.”

his voice was so strained, hoarse with emotion.  but... she could feel his sincerity, the barest ghost of a smile crossing her face. He really did seem to appreciate her almost clinical bluntness, something that she was grateful for. at the same time, She was proud of him, of how far he'd come within the short time that she'd known him. Violet's smile widened as she watched Elora draw closer to him, the gentle, soothing presence of the green-haired woman hopefully providing an anchor that would ground him. Freyd croaked out a plea, a simple request to see if she could try and piece one last thing together. Elora was still drawn in, completely quiet as she watched Violet ponder what Freyd had asked of her.

"You've definitely changed, Freyd." she mused, leaning forward on her hands as she closed her eyes. "I would have never fathomed that we could have this conversation had this occurred only a short time ago... I'm happy you can trust other people now. Elora-kun is a very good influence on you, it seems." her mind was already racing, trying to piece together what he could have experienced that would warrant such a drastic feeling, that would damage him irreparably had he failed in it. Her mind was dipping through each quest she'd seen or heard of. It was unlikely to be an event quest, and it couldn't have been a quest with no notable side effects if it were failed - death aside, that is.

What could it be..?

'Something he could have failed... that would have changed him completely if he had..?' it was like she was drawing a blank, for once. something was missing here, but she couldn't figure out what it was. Violet could feel her heart begin to race, the thrum of its beating echoing in her ears. she couldn't give him the wrong answer, not when he was clearly hoping for her to peer into the tiny crack that he'd opened up. because right now, it certainly felt as though it hadn't been Freyd that was pleading with her. No, she thought as she opened her eyes, glancing at the wall, at Montjoy, it had been both of them that had asked.. The shadowy presence almost seemed mournful, and just as desperate for her reply as his other half.

for a split second, she could almost feel someone rubbing her shoulder, making her jerk back as her gaze drifted to the side and the room faded away for the briefest of moments. She could have sworn that she could see Declan smiling at her, his eyes crinkled as he reached out to ruffle her hair. 'You're a smart girl, Violet. You already know what he's talking about, don't you?' his gentle words broke through her stupor, the memory fading away as her thoughts finally began to line up properly. Her breath hitched, the pounding of her heart stilling itself in an instant as her eyes went wide as the last piece finally fell into place.

"if Montjoy's not a gemini, then what do you suppose he is?

A mirror, an echo of your heart.

he's damnably inconvenient

He doesn't seem that way

"Gemini...!" she breathed, understanding hitting her in a rush that left her stunned. And all too easily, she could understand how badly that would hurt someone had that been their very first quest. You're dropped into a world, where you must fight to survive, and where death is instant and irreversible... to fight someone that looks exactly as you do, who can die just as easily as you... and yet could come back in an instant, ignoring the rules that you grew to be fearful of...

She got up from her chair, the wooden stool she'd been seated on clattering to the ground as she rushed around the table towards Freyd, her arms wrapping around him before she could fully think about what she was doing. "You fought the Gemini first... how could I have been so blind..!" she squeezed her eyes shut. "No wonder you interact with them so often, how you know so much about them... how you could have thought that Montjoy was one..! You must have been so scared back then, fighting them.. afraid of what it would mean for you if something that wore your face wanted you dead.."

She could almost picture the frightened visage of a less-experienced Freyd frantically dodging away from a cloaked figure that bore his face, the entity letting out a cry of fury as it lept at him with a twisted snarl replacing the calm, collected demeanor she'd come to know as 'Freyd'

"But at the same time, if that was your first fight..!" her voice broke as a single tear spilt down her cheek. "Even the strongest person couldn't fathom the idea that some part of them, or even a facsimile of themselves would ever be capable of wishing them dead. If that's even halfway right, I can't even fathom how you can handle that..!"

Edited May 5 by tricolor_mina

[Freyd 0]

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Slender fingers wove themselves between his, providing an anchor he desperately needed and had previously been lacking.  So many times, he had tried to get this out and couldn’t.  He’d once offered to be her anchor, yet here she was being his, and he loved her dearly for it.  It also made the revelations that much harder, panicked warnings of betrayal stabbing furiously at his heart, never to let that thing be given voice.

"You're hurting... you're hurting bad, and you can barely comprehend it.. can you?"

No response could do justice to such a question.  Looking upon Violet’s marred visage, and the deeper trauma laying just below its scarred surface.  What right did he have to pretend his pain was any worse than another’s? Likewise, Elora’s debilitating struggles with her own self-doubt and insecurities proved both their spirits were girded by unparalleled courage and resilience.  Freyd’s features softened even as the sound of glass grinding on glass threatened to shatter his form irreparably from within.  Fine lines spread like webbing across all of him, as Elora had once witnessed.  He was close to breaking.  So very close and on the verge of becoming frayed.

You fought the Gemini first... how could I have been so blind..!" she squeezed her eyes shut. "No wonder you interact with them so often, how you know so much about them... how you could have thought that Montjoy was one..! You must have been so scared back then, fighting them.. afraid of what it would mean for you if something that wore your face wanted you dead. But at the same time, if that was your first fight..!" her voice broke as a single tear spilt down her cheek. "Even the strongest person couldn't fathom the idea that some part of them, or even a facsimile of themselves would ever be capable of wishing them dead. If that's even halfway right, I can't even fathom how you can handle that..!"

Shame and elation formed the strangest of admixtures. She had seen!  So much effort expended and combed through with preternatural insights only Violet could achieve.  Even if only the tip of an iceberg made from a congealed black morass of pure nothing, she had glimpsed an inkling of him to make the very first connection.  So opens the rabbit hole…

“Takeshi’s was a broken soul long before it came to this place.” Freyd’s voice sounded as if he were speaking about some lost relative. “In the gemini quest, I remember blades and fire, the battle fiercely contested and close. Takeshi’s demons had always been stronger than he could bear. He’d spent a lifetime forming a shell around his spirit, like armor crafted from pure logic, devoid of any and all passion.”

Eyes wincing at the memory, their vantage uncertain, both women watched as fissures broke and spread across his failing image, orange light flaring from within as the mesh of his avatar sundered under incredible strain. So blatant was the conflict within him that its crescendo manifested for all to see. Breathing in deeply, his free hand rose to beg for a moment even as he gulped down bilious internal devastation.

“The Gemini quest foresees two outcomes: slaying the creature, or sparing it.  It never discusses the third possibility: that the player might face defeat at the hands of their own reflection.”  Closing his eyes, cinematic scenarios and a thousand different objections rose and fell silent in the back of his mind.  How many times had he considered each of them in turn?  All rang false.

“I know how it sounds, and I’ve done everything I can think of to shake off the idea, but it resonates on a level that I can’t deny. Has anyone ever seen the true form of a gemini?  Does it even have one, or it is as a shadow without an object to serve as its caster?”  The room darkened as innumerable silhouettes pressed themselves unbeckoned through the walls and into the chamber’s confines, gathering like shadow moths to some manner of inverse flame, holding their collectively absent breath to see whether their secret could even be spilled aloud.

“A shadow is never truly gone, so long as memory of it remains.  And I should know, shouldn’t I? Who else carries such mastery over them? Why do I so easily mimic their tricks, often to even greater effect than the gemini themselves?  What are we to each other, and why?  It seems a complicated, smothering question."

Spoiler

"Not in here Freyd.  Never, in your memories.  I will always be with you, ready to make you pay for your past sins."

- False Mari Gemini, in the Forest of Memories
(Source)

***

"You're right.  This never should have happened, but it did, and you did well."  His form lengthened by a few inches and morphed in colour back to his previous monochromatic fashion, most of his features still shrouded beneath his cowl, which he unexpectedly drew back.  Exposed, his face was plain, if slightly angular.  His brow arched and sat in a natural furrow, giving him an permanent intensity that mimicked his demeanor.  A predatory air coiled around his him, though she could sense that it wasn't directed at her in any way.  Twin azure orbs that seemed starkly bright set themselves in her direction, partially hidden beneath strands of mousy brown hair still somewhat laced with flour.  It made him seem older, though she'd have guessed he was already by his bearing and appearance, at least compared to most players in the game.  The way he changed made one think he might be a gemini himself, save for the emerald crystal slowly spinning over his head.

(Source)

Freyd’s eyes dimmed and darkened, pupils swelling to devour constraining blue irises until nothing else remained but a pair of windows into the void.  Over his head, the green cursor dimmed and faded until no symbol remained.  

“Why have I always felt such kinship with Marvin and so many other mobs?  Why was I drawn to the earliest traces of the infectious Sundered Spire? Why do I keep stumbling endlessly into glitches?!  You’ve both seen it first hand, especially you, Violet, and must admit that it’s uncanny.”

Teeth clenching, his face contorting in a pained grimace, Elora felt his hand clench tightly around hers as if drawing upon that connection for strength. It felt as if his chest was try to implode. At the room’s periphery, the gathered host of shadows watched with the utter silence and stillness of oblivion, Freyd desperately resisting their intangible call.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

“Takeshi logged into this game as a corporate spy.” Practically spitting out the words, Freyd cared little about their revelation save for the sake of open admission. “He was always paranoid that Cardinal was out for him because of it, and hid in the Town of Beginnings for years thinking it would keep him safe” Pain easing, momentarily, he drew another deep breath. Whatever episode had beset him faltering briefly. With empty eyes, he gazed out at the gathered throng, seeing sightless eyes behind each, but uncertain of which way they were facing.  It occurred that these shades might actually have gathered to conceal them and safeguard him from his oldest nemesis.

“Paranoia?"  A fair question, he long ago admitted to himself.  "Perhaps.  But the system itself is supposed to help regulate such things.  I’ve had too many run-ins with Cardinal and his unique manifestations to dismiss them out of turn.  It's more than mere coincidence.”

Spoiler

Nisa called you her messenger.  Did Raidou convince you to label yourself in the same vein, but a more focused purpose?

Freyd's hand found his brow and pressed against his temples to keep his head from peeling open like an overripe banana.
You wanted this, Freyd; to be able to choose to be human.  This is where that choice leads.  So, fucking choose, already.

A mental glare at his own shadow came out as clearing his throat.

- Montjoy, speaking in Freyd's mind.
(Source)

“And whenever I turn within, I see the same thing I drew that day with you by the lake, Elora.  Do you remember our visit with Hannah?”  A shiver ran down his spine, visibly shaking his shoulder and arms, setting off clinking and grinding glass like a chandelier tosses about like a chime in the wind.

Spoiler

Freyd suddenly and violently thrust the canvas away from himself.  His hands shook, and the edges of his eyes twitched as he gazed angrily at the frame, now laying face down ten feet away.  Elora had never seen him so affected by anything.  That it was triggered by something as benign as a sketch was more than bizarre.  He closed his eyes, breathing heavily until he could steady himself again and calmly turning to her. 

"We should move on."   His voice was devoid of emotion, like he had turned them off for fear of something abhorrent.  Grabbing his things, he stood and headed off in the direction of the cave.

(Source)

 

 

 

"Then there was Shadow himself."  Pausing to collect his thoughts, even recalling the battle often proved exhausting.  "The raid on the twenty-sixth floor was a tragic affair across Aincrad, but the battle itself was precarious beyond compare.  At one point, I drove my sword into the possessed minotaur, Orgoth, and in doing so made direct contact with the essence of Shadow the Malevolent himself.”  Freyd visibly flinched at the memory.  “It was like touching a single unifying emptiness behind the shell of all reality - awe inspiring and terrifying all at once. I cannot deny that it changed me.”  Looking upon both companions with sadness in the frame of absent eyes, he pressed on with his confessions.

“You’ve seen me flit between pockets of darkness in combat.  When I use the Tracking skill, I can likewise see and hear my targets by linking near and distant shadows like windows. Another glitch affinity, perhaps?  Who knows, but the effects and abilities have only grown stronger since.”

Spoiler

"Shadow, the Malevolent."  The name sounded slightly clownish when he said it out loud, but the boss had proven himself to be a real and mortal threat.  "I never found out much of his backstory.  Everyone on the front lines was too focused on psyching themselves up for the fight to spare time for explanations."  A flick of his wrist sent a flat, polished, black stone skipping over the pond's surface.  The ripples reminded him of faces surfacing on roiling black water, only to be swallowed by liquid despair.

"He'd possessed a minotaur champion named Orgoth, who was an absolute titan of a thing.  Through force of arms and a certain clever gambit, we helped to free him."  Freyd's hand twitched, unbidden, as if the fling another stone, but realizing that its charge was already spent.  "I... connected myself to the darkness within him.  It bought us time and gave him the respite he needed to shake off Shadow's influence, but... at a cost."  

(Source)

“Everyone saw visions of the flood outside.  Shadow sought to break the front liners’ spirits by showing them every imaginable scene of despair playing out across the floating castle.  But…” he gasped again, hoarseness returning to his voice and gaze locking upon Elora’s face.  “I swear that I could actually feel as each and every person fell, swallowed by that terrible tide.”  Anguish wrenched his features as he clearly recalled Elora's final moment, along with those of so many others. Even as cold as he was, especially back then, the sensation had been overwhelming.

Spoiler

He didn't mention how the flood had taken them too, in the wake of Shadow's defeat, or of the price he worried might still be due for the gambit he'd played during the fight with Orgoth.  The taint he'd endured, and shared with the mighty minotaur champion still haunted his dreams.  

There may yet be a reckoning for that.

I know, Montjoy.  I know.  But she doesn't need that burden, especially now.

- Freyd and Montjoy conversing in his mind, as Elora recounts her fall to the flood.
(Source)

***

Something flashed across Freyd's face, akin to the ripples they'd been watching on the water.  His eyes winced and brow dipped in either pain or anger.  It was difficult to be sure which. Features frozen in place, the sound of a mirror breaking somewhere in the distance distracted, giving his shadow time to rise.  Like the malevolent dark that swallowed Aincrad whole during a not so distant raid, a veil of black spread from Freyd's shadow to engulf the rest of his form.  There was a kinship to watching a gemini transform, for those rare few who had ever witnessed the act.  Yet here was something more.  Whatever spark connects a player to their digital avatar in the game, his touched something vile while in contact with a possessed Orgoth during that raid.  Some might say his soul had splintered.  Others who knew him would argue that Freyd was already like that beforehand. Whatever the case, as the ink receded, their positions were reversed.  Sitting on the stump at Mina's side was a young man, wearing simple slacks and a blue-grey Henley, sleeves rolled up to his elbows.  Stark, angular features with a slightly predatory mien framed eyes coloured to match his shirt, or perhaps it was vice versa.  Thin, metallic wire-frame glasses hinted at something familiar and intelligent behind the face, all of it set below a mop of unruly black hair that matched Freyd's in style.

- Mina meets Montjoy/Takeshi
(Source) 

Clearing his throat and thumping on the turned notebook to refocus himself.  Determination restored by will alone mandated that he set every piece to the record before whatever window this respite offered was closed, or his willingness to share finally faltered.

“Consider my profession, also,” he added, changing tack, but adding to his confessional's growing list of evidence.  “Appraisers assess items, as you know well, but they can go far beyond that.  I’m honestly surprised that you didn’t take up the trade yourself, Violet.  It can be just as useful when assessing people, or even one's self. I’ve spent more time on that last count than most could ever fathom.”

“Even my names offer clues: Freyd, frayed, ‘fraid? A broken thing, if ever there was one. Have you ever wondered why I call myself the Whisper in Shadows?  It’s a convenient moniker for sounding all stealthy and ominous, but the truth is far simpler and more personal: Montjoy is the whisper in my shadow - the constant reminder that some inkling of humanity remained possible within this drawn and weather shell."  Freyd’s absent eyes only reinforced the solemn imagery.

Spoiler

"It's just not in him to give you what you seek as plainly as you would like.  He's tried, and keeps trying, but only one person has managed to connect with him on that level, and it took more than you can fathom to build that trust.  Plainly put: he just doesn't know how.  Rebuilding himself in here trapped him within the confines of a system that now defines everything that he is.  If I am his conscience and humanity, his lived experience constructed another, stronger and more dominant influence - one that enabled him to survive at any cost.  It kept him alive through Kayaba's decree and aftermath, but it also nearly broke him to later pull away from its control and restore some semblance of balance in himself, and its more fragile than anyone realizes.  That cold and calculating machine is always there; his own inner Cardinal, waiting to resume its position at his helm.  It's the thing that you are truly fighting against, Mina - that we all are.  It's also the reason why you will never crack the Whisper open overnight.  Even that name is a revelation.  People think it's some sort of cryptic edgelord persona.  Sadly not.  All that remains of him is that Whisper in Shadows, terrified to call out into darkness lest its own defenses turn it into the monster they were meant to prevent - the one that nearly throttled another boy to death.  He can't let you in without risking unravelling the cobbled Frankenstein personality that now makes Freyd who he is, and he's terrified of how easily that other self would hurt anyone who got in its way."

- Montjoy to Mina
(Source)

Freyd’s form shifted once more, roiling with uncertainty and evoking the same undefined nature as the sketch he’d drawn by Hannah’s shores so very long ago.  Turning, he seemed to gaze upon the nearby still-standing form of Montjoy who’d been watching intently from his post. His silhouette matching Takeshi’s trademark guise precisely, as both Mina and Elora had both seen it.

“Montjoy is the voice of what Takeshi could have been,” Freyd added with unrestrained remorse, “but he was never such a decent, fulsome human being in actual life.  It’s like he’s an echo of a person’s potential?”  The shadow turned away, revealing itself more clearly in profile, and nodding in regretful agreement.  Of course, he had always known.

Spoiler

“He calls me Montjoy," the man interjected, "after the arrogant French herald from Shakespeare’s Henry V.  I’m to be taught humility, apparently, though I suspect my purpose is actually to teach him the same, with a hefty dose of conscience."  Turning, he sent her a sympathetic smile, far more compelling than Freyd's faltering earlier attempt.  "Congratulations, Elora.  You’ve made quite the breakthrough yourself, it seems.  He's immensely happy for you. If only we could show him how to express it in a less shrapnel-laden manner.”

Stepping lightly and casually onto the earthy soil and bracing a polished shoe against one of the thicker protruding roots, Montjoy plucked a shard of static breaking Freyd from the air and spun in on a fingertip.

“Oh, Takeshi.  For such a stuffy sourpuss, you sure have a flair for the dramatic.  He’s actually head over heels for you, you know, but he’s completely hopeless when it comes to expressing such things.”  A sad, gentle smile affixed itself to his lips, eerily familiar to Freyd’s more mischievous grins but far more genuine and disarming.  Montjoy's eyes were far purer and more honest in their intentions, not layered with an onion-worthy combination of interwoven schemes  like Freyd's always seemed to be.

“Well, maybe not completely, but don't tell him I said so.”

- Montjoy to Elora, as Freyd sits fractured and breaking apart
(Source)

***

"You haven't answered my question. Who the hell are you -- or -- what are you? Are you a Gemini?"

“I answered honestly: he calls me Montjoy, though I am as much Freyd as we are both Takeshi.”   The man spoke simple truth wrapped in such a tangled, convoluted weave of context and fate that made it sound more like an unintended riddle.

…

A strange serenity came over him.  She recognized it instantly: that same focused intensity as Freyd, but where his was the harsh and singular precision of a laser, Montjoy’s was a deeper, all-pervasive wisdom and calm.  And, it was familiar.  She’d felt it when she fell asleep against Freyd’s shoulder while hiding from Valentina, and every time Freyd talked her down from an avalanche of  raging passions.  Every time he lifted her up.  Every time he did what she had just declared in anger that she would do herself.  It felt exactly the same.

“I’ve been helping both of you for a very long time,” Montjoy replied softly.  “Just as you’ve been helping him to learn to hear me.”  Raising his hand, he dropped the shard back into place.  It rippled across the rest of the fractured field, causing a cacophony of clicks and clinks as they fused back together into a single whole.  Restored, Freyd’s image reflected Montjoy’s stance, like two figures watching each other in a mirror.  They were two sides of the same person, split as if through a prism and staring back at one another.

“I’m no gemini, Elora.  I’m him - only just the tiny part of him few might recognize as a decent human being.  You have a talent for seeing that in him.  You always have.  And it’s very likely to have saved his life.”

(Source)

With a heavy sigh and concerted effort, Freyd restored himself to his original appearance, barring the still-present fractures and splintering fractal elements. Eyes slowly returning to their familiar blue selves, and yet not.  He'd never felt so awkward and exposed, even ashamed.  Not for believing any of what he'd just spoken aloud, but for having kept it from those closest to him.  Swallowing, hard, he struggled at finding his words.

“Elora… this… I know this is too much… and sounds crazy, but… well... uh... do you remember when we spoke about whether we would ever leave this world, given the chance?”  Memories of scented tea drifted through his consciousness, recalling the tenderest of moments.

“I answered as Takeshi would, but..." he sighed, continuing, "I honestly don’t even know whether he exists anymore, or ever did, in every or any sense."  He felt absurd, even trying to explain it. "Please, understand that I would go anywhere, brave anything, forge across unknown or forbidden worlds, if it meant that I could be with you.”  Shutting his eyes at the ridiculousness of the declaration, he knew his only option was to press on.

Spoiler

"I don't know that I'd want to go back."

Images flooded Freyd's mind of a scene from his deepest nightmares: a guild hall devastated by unimaginable flaming carnage and destruction; a friends' list of names stricken and transferred to some cold marble monument; his heart broken in despair.  The same recurring dream, for weeks now, and in vividly sharp details like no dream should or could ever be.  Everything he cared for devastated in an instant.  Sights, smells, sounds, and pain that no algorithm could properly or possibly suppress.  Focus on the now.  Kneeling down, her helped her collect the scattered bits from off the floor, luring Borris away with a flick of shadow from his wrist.

"I feel like that's something I really needed, and if I'm being honest. I don't know that I'd want to go back."

"I'm glad you've found that, though I can't help wonder why you needed it so much in the first place.  As to leaving here..."  He closed his eyes, those same memories threatening to overwhelm his weakening control.  "I resigned myself to staying here a long, long time ago.  There was nothing for me out there when I left.  Only one thing I've since found could ever convince me otherwise, and she's in here."  Unable to find more words, Freyd's eyes oddly avoided hers instead, the admission forcing his heart hold its next beat. This sort of honesty was hard.  She'd never seen him look so uncertain and... vulnerable.

(Source)

“I once declared myself a liar to you, Mina, and all of this is why. I’ve often called it the Thing Behind All Lies: the mystery, doubts and absurd potential truth of being whoever or whatever I actually am, and the simple revelation that I do not honestly know the answer anymore.”

He’d been trying to give voice to all of this for a very long time, but could never truly manage it.  Some would simply think he’d gone mad, while he personally feared those closest to him might also feel betrayed, especially if his suspicions were ever proven to be true. Hurting any of them because of it had become increasingly unbearable, and dismissal at his attempts to share it had only led to vicious and growing cycles of repression that had finally reached their tipping point.  

It was time to make a choice.

Spoiler

"Everything I am is a lie, Mina.  You're right, but far more than you realize.  I don't just gird myself behind walls of ice.  I play every part I am expected or required to play, and at every turn, for the sake of keeping everyone else alive.”

- Freyd, responding to Mina's interrogation
(Source)

***

"I'm... conflicted.  I have been for some time, which isn't like me at all, but something unexpected happened before the raid."  Pressing his face into both hands, he swept back his crop of unruly hair.  It tumbled back into his eyes, ignoring such a paltry effort to interfere with its favoured state of dishevelment.  Turning to catch her gaze, he found it odd to have to struggle to meet it.  Here was a man whose glare could wilt flowers at thirty paces on the clear and shining summer's day, and yet he couldn't bring himself to say the words.  The notion of such a weakness was enough to stir fires of determination within, and he lifted his eyes to meet hers.  They were black.  Not merely the irises, but black in their entirety, like staring into the depths of the abyss, or into the darkest recesses of an infinite void.

"I've survived this world by emptying myself of everything: all connections and cares, and every feeling I have ever known.  I did it because I feared the darkest impulses within were unbalanced.  There was nothing noble to temper them, and I've lived what happens when they come out.  Not just here, but in the real world.  I didn't care about anything or anyone.  Even worse, I denied myself the possibility of caring, save in pretense and to the extent that it served whatever goals I'd set for myself."

Freyd's gut churned as he spoke his confession.  It made him sound horrible, but it was the truth, and he wouldn't hide from it.  

"It was the only way to be sure that I could do whatever was required - pay any price, or suffer any cost, to achieve whatever end.  Raidou bade me promise to carry on if he ever fell, and take Firm Anima forward to the top of this damnable castle.  I think I agreed because I knew had the will to do whatever it would take."  Pursing his lips, Freyd eyes darted over hers, seeing his visage reflected in those light blue eyes, hating yet desperate to work through the conflict he saw upon it.  Shame welled within.

"I'm not okay.  I can't possibly be okay if this is how I define my existence.  And I learned that by spending time with someone whose sheer joy of life was matched only with her uncertainty in herself."  A smile mustered, displaying his pride in her growth.  Elora had come so far.  

"You've shown me how to find meaning in life itself, not just progressing through a system towards an abstract goal.   I've learned to feel again."  The words fell like boulders crashing into water.  He'd never admitted it to himself out loud before.

"I could be a person again, instead of whatever thing I'd let myself become out of fear and loathing for the dark potential I knew lay within.  But, doing so means exposing a weakness in the armor I built around myself - that soulless machine that could plow through anything to achieve its purpose.  For all its power, the one thing that it cannot do is care."  

Pangs of something rang through his chest, compelling his eyes to close and teeth to clench.  Dozens of shadowy silhouettes suddenly manifest in the pond all around them, Freyd in shape and size, but fully black as pitch.  They stood, silently watching whatever this was, as if waiting for some sort of command.  Above Freyd's head, the green crystal icon darkened, first to orange, then red, and finally to light-consuming black.  Freyd's eyes opened wide as he gasped for breath and it all vanished as suddenly as it had appeared.  Gone were the copies, cast back into the void, and the crystal over his head was restored to its former emerald sheen.  Freyd's form rippled, for a moment, in the manner of a gemini changing its shape.  Confusion swept over his features as the forces within him threatened to rip him asunder.

"I don't know who or what I am anymore!"

- Freyd, in the aftermath of the raid against Shadow the Malevolent, trying to explain to Elora
(Source)

***

"So you know what, Freyd? I don't care if you don't care, because you've already showed more kindness to me than most people have -- And you've taught me...how to care about other people...or at least, to realize that I can become the kind of person for them that you have been to me..."

Confusion.  He had?  How?  Sensations flooding through him overwhelmed the machine.  Memories meshed together, pulling back in his utterly blown mind to reveal a pattern of being that had been there since the start, subtly weaving their lives into a map that could lead to something more.  Rarely are any so fortunate as to fathom the constellations of fate, and never without consequence.  Finally easing his guard, he gazed at her, an avatar of magnificently fierce fragility surrounded by a halo of fog and light.  Angels could never compete with such a vision.

"I..."

His voice trailed and warbled.  Lips pursed and looked ready to burst, suddenly interrupted by the sound of shattering glass.  Freyd's entire form seemed to shimmer for an instant, then shattered in its entirety, like a mob at the moment of death revealed to be nothing more than a two-dimensional pane of digital glass.  Like the rest of him, the slowly swirling crystal of polished obsidian over his head exploded.  Before Elora could react, the entire scene slowed to a crawl, Freyd's fragmented form frozen in the middle of its own destruction.  Blossoms still swayed on the nearby cherry trees.  Rippled still radiated in the water as small insects sacrificed themselves as snacks to whatever lay beneath the surface.  Reality gave way to the surreal.

- Elora's words nearly fracture Freyd into a thousand pieces, causing Montjoy/Takeshi to appear
(Source)

***

"But..." he hesitated, wondering whether the subjects of his disturbingly recurring dreams would be appropriate fodder for fish therapy, as this seemed to be the emerging purpose of their time together.  "What if you are a robot?"  There was no jest behind the question.  It was a serious ask.  Freyd almost felt a palpable effort required to keep the icon over his head from changing to another colour.  The consequences would be unfathomable.  And yet?  He had long felt detachment from the world around him, and the people in it.  Friends he'd made during his tenure in SAO had changed his perspective considerably.  In some ways, he was feeling 'human' for the first time, at least by how others seemed to define the standards.

- Freyd, speaking with Mina
(Source)

***

"Freyd, you're human.  Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise."

Freyd's silence was his only response, his face remaining blank though his jaw was visibly set and locked.  She isn't hearing me, and doesn't seem able to.  Eyes drifting to Montjoy's blurry outline rippling on the water's surface, the sun had drifted with time to sit at their backs.  His disappointment was buried and left for dead beneath the waves.  Mina needed to be right in this.  Therapists always needed to be right and convince their patients of their version of the truth.  It was a battle he'd fought so many times, and learned to overcome by allowing the other side to believe that they had won. 

'She wants to help you, and in so doing help herself.'  Montjoy's words resonated with wisdom.  He spoke seldomly these days, but no less poignantly.  An audible sigh and voice tinted with a hint of that very same trauma Mina had only just mentioned.

"Please don't presume to tell me what I am.  I should know it better than you, shouldn't I?  But I will give you this: I want to be more human, for her, and also for the rest of you.  The other path only leads to..."  Blue eyes gazed upon eternal hunger and nothingness wrapped around his hands.

- Freyd tries to tell Mina the Thing Behind All Lies
(Source)

Sitting in silence for a long time, Freyd finally managed to draw a single deep, centering breath.

“After all this, I’ve finally come to a simple realization.”  Voice muted, but clearing and gaining strength as he spoke, they would see vigor and brightness returning to his features. Laden with the same clarity and serenity previously reserved only for Montjoy, Freyd's confidence returned, but seemed tempered by a sense of inner peace he always struggled to achieve.

“I wanted you both to hear my doubts and struggles, and understand the road I’ve traveled. It’s a convoluted wreck of unverifiable half-truths, assumptions and consequences, to say the least. But, that's just how my story goes.  It's also what has led me to an undeniable conclusion: that I’ve been asking the wrong question all along.”

His face eased into a gentle smile, light returning to the chamber as the surrounding shadows withdrew like clouds parting to reveal the shining sun behind them.

“Mina was right.” A plainly put declaration, wrapped in humility and a deeply cast shade of blush. ”It doesn’t really matter what I am. All that matters is who I choose to be and that I live my life to the fullest, whatever that might mean.  And I feel like an absolute moron that it's taken me this long to realize it.”

Whispers are also, it turns out, apparently terrible at dealing with their own pride.

Spoiler

"But at our core, the essence of what makes us human... its the capacity for empathy, our mostly-caring nature. That wish to nurture, to love..."

It hadn't always been so.  Had Mina truly known his state of mind in the not-so-distant past, she might have recoiled in terror at the depths of darkness in the recesses of his cowl.  What lay within was alien to the human mind, abhorrent even to its very concept of reality, yet also somehow tethered to it by a soul.  How can I explain?

- Freyd and Mina on the nature of humanity
(Source)

“What matters is who I choose to be, right here, right now.  And that means being someone who lives and cares for those around him.”  Water rimmed his eyes as he looked to Mina, offering unspoken thanks for her ceaseless efforts, and hoping with every fiber of himself to convey his appreciation. As each word was spoken, the fragmentation of his form reversed itself, restoring him to whole, and perhaps even slightly better off for having survived his self-made crucible.

Spoiler

Be human Freyd.

- Montjoy, giving advice.
(Source)

***

A stick of something smokey and scented stuck in his mouth, the Whisper sat with a small bucket of bait at his side, legs dangling off the edge of a small abandoned dock along the edge of the Lake of Reflections.  He'd found it in the late hours of the Tanabata festival while searching for Yori, a boy who'd gone missing from the village.  Though tragic, the event had been among the earliest kindlings of humanity in an otherwise withered soul.  He'd always had a soft spot for kids without knowing why.  There were no siblings in his life, and none that could justifiably be called friends through the gauntlet of his youth.  Colleagues seemed the closest he could manage.  'How much that has changed,' he admitted to himself with sublime serenity.  Even love had become possible.

- Freyd fishing with Mina
(Source)

Pulling up a hidden flap on his torso, Freyd revealed the green-tinged ghostly pin of the Shadowed Rose, forever kept over his heart.  

“You are my salvation, Elora.”  Sincere admiration beaming her way as their azure eyes locked. “You’ve always been my reminder to be a better person than my nature would otherwise allow. I love you for that, now and forever. You set me free from the prison of my own soul, then badgered me rightfully into believing that I ever had one.”

Spoiler

There are... complicated reasons why I was... the way I was, and am the way I am.  It's taken time and the efforts of many good people to make me realize the price of my former path and even consider other options."

... 

"The Shadowed Rose.  I had it commissioned to commemorate a precious memory, and the person whom I shared that moment with.  She has had a profound impact on me, in a way you would appreciate.  I've come to know her gradually, through multiple shared trials and tribulations.  My mind and soul were saved because of her efforts; because she believed in a cold, calculating murder-hobo and saw something human inside, beneath the prerequisite facade." 

- Freyd fishing with Mina
(Source)

***

You have no idea how very right you are, Mina.  And how thankful I am for it.  Love is the glue holding a thousand thousand gemini together - a vessel made and claimed for nobler purposes then left to choose what to make of itself.  Do we even know if we are human?  What if we're just digital imprints of human minds surreptitiously stripped from their true hosts and set loose in here to satisfy Kayaba's cravings for the illusion of control?"  The little smile was back, looking far less innocent than it had a moment ago. 

"Treasure the person who encouraged you to have that made. "

"I accepted long ago that we are both who and what we choose to make ourselves, especially in here.  Thanks to her, I've chosen to find that lost human being inside and nurture him back to the surface: to make a better Freyd."  So much remained unsaid beyond that, but it was too soon, and might always be.  He wasn't sure he could ever voice those Things Behind All Lies.  

"You're just as able to feel pain as the rest of us."

He nodded, still smiling, yet knowing that it too was a lie.  Looking down at the bobber in the water, Freyd caught the shadow of his own reflection looking back through him, knowing the unfathomable truth and triggering the next phase of its endlessly intertwining schemes.  It will be nice to be human for awhile.  Impossible words spoken from the void without a mouth, or breath, or even being.

- Freyd fishing with Mina
(Source)

***

Holding her close and tenderly, Freyd let her feel every emotion surging inside, but had never been willing to let out.  His heartbeat could serve as her anchor, soaking in everything she let out whether spoken, squeezed or even carved into his digital flesh.  He let his eyes do the talking, looking down into hers and reading through them to the soul within.  She needed to know that he was here for her in whatever way she ever needed. 

"I mean what I said: I would stay in here forever if it meant that we could stay together.  And I would fight my way through flame and every hellish landscape if all you ever wanted was to be held outside this world."  Three  more words hovered on his lips, hesitating to be spoken for fear that he wasn't worthy of knowing their meaning.  Yet, here she was. The same words he had shared with @Freya in the Forest of Memories came flooding back: Survival, alone, is just not enough.  Facing a thousand field bosses seemed easy by comparison, yet he barely managed to get the words out.

- Freyd and Elora
(Source)

***

"I chose who I want to be.  I... err... how do I even explain this?"  It was odd that he would even try.  Freyd was know for deflection when it came to his thoughts and intentions, not for laying them bare.  Closing his eyes, he gently pulled her closer, touching his forehead to hers, as if physical contact might beam his thoughts and intentions through where his words would fail.  It gave him the courage to try.

"I want to be the person you see in me.  The one you said you want to be yourself.  If we can each see it in the other, maybe, together, we can help each other see it in ourselves?"

Re-opening his eyes, he peered deeply into hers, seeing his own blue irises reflected in her own, and realizing the change for the first time.  His lips twisted and eyes watered, registering the significance.  His heart had finally won, thanks to her.  A genuine smile spread wide, from ear to ear and he laughed a tearful laugh of earnest happiness.

"Thank you, Elora.  Just for being you."

- Freyd and Elora
(Source)

“I don’t care whatever fate or truth thinks it can govern me, who I am or what I am allowed to become.”  Blazing passion kindled behind his words, fueled by warmth and longing for a better life, overruling his cold, calculating, customary reason.  He wanted this, and was committing to it for himself and everyone he cared about.  Like an inferno flaring in his very core, Freyd looked more alive than either had ever seen him.  

“We can all be who we want, wherever we want - in here or out there - if we choose to do it together.”

Edited May 26 by Freyd

[Elora 0]

And so, right before them, the facade began to crack. Little by little: Freyd, Takeshi, Montjoy, the indecipherable amalgamation of everything that was the person she'd loved, was on the crux of an internal metamorphosis. The marks of dueling dialogues were plainly written in his features. Regret, concern, worry, fear, sadness, dismay, longing, hope. Freyd's form seemed to ebb and flow between reservation and relief as the admission of fears long sense held were systematically purged from his heart. With each successive explanation, Elora felt as though an ornate tapestry was being completely unraveled through a series of relentless tugs. It was a display equally as beautiful as it was heart wrenching.

How was she meant to help?

I had no idea..., her mind ached to imagine how he had struggled in days before. Had Freyd been mired in this turmoil since their fledgling days of Aincrad? Those memories had once seemed so jubilant and pristine.

No, Róisín knew that was a lie. Her mind was quick to remember everything they had confronted, everything they'd run away from. They were trying to survive, not figure themselves out. How could you be anything less than what the circumstances demanded of them? There had been no room for second-guessing, no leniency for oversharing. And yet...

“...whenever I turn within, I see the same thing I drew that day with you by the lake, Elora...", her partner continued, "Do you remember our visit with Hannah?”

Emotion poured out in excess. Bitterness lashed from the ends of words shouted, regret stung from the streams of stifled tears. For Freyd, anger had scrawled charcoal across a canvas, torn itself from the ties to its maker. The bonds forged both in and outside of battle gradually pried open the past left unspoken at the core of every person. They had almost begun to fashion their insecurities like plates of armor, a means for protecting each other instead of the fragile ego within.

Concerned eyes regarded Freyd as he seemed to crumble beneath an invisible weight. The Storm of Shadows had been difficult for them both, deeply traumatizing for everyone if she extrapolated its devastation. The affect on Elora had been an increased distrust toward deep water and horses, an arguably fickle fear in the shadow of her comrades' greater paranoia. Katoka, Freyd, and all of the other Frontliners had been forced to watch as their loved ones were swallowed by the sinister force, each of their lives slowly snuffed out like dwindling flames in the night.

Her attention was quickly commandeered as Freyd cited further symptoms of his suppressed inner struggles. Despite the ambience of his touch, the resonance of his voice, Elora became ensnared in web of thoughts. She wanted so badly to be present. But during times like this, it was easy to become overwhelmed. Words submerged into background static as the shadows around them whirred into a blurry mess. So much I missed -- I should have noticed -- was I supposed to know -- is Freyd going to be ok -- he should be ok -- what if he's not ok -- what will we do now --, the questions rushed through her mind. Unnamed emotions clawed at her conscious as her body began to tremble. Shutting her eyes, she attempted to steady her breathing, sequester the rising energy. The world was loud. How was she supposed to make sense out of everything? There was too much to observe, too much to understand.

“Elora… this…"

Her attention was pulled back to the room.

"...I know this is too much… and sounds crazy, but… well... uh... do you remember when we spoke about whether we would ever leave this world, given the chance?”

She gave a dazed nod.

“I answered as Takeshi would, but...I honestly don’t even know whether he exists anymore, or ever did, in every or any sense. Please, understand that I would go anywhere, brave anything, forge across unknown or forbidden worlds, if it meant that I could be with you.” 

Elora's lips tried to draw to a smile before wincing back into something uncertain. The sentiment was almost incomprehensible to her, at least in this moment. Hadn't she failed him? How could he care for someone who was always putting her emotions before his own? Even now, she somehow made herself feel the victim. While Freyd was dealing his darkest secrets out on the table, she had become distracted by an inner dialogue. The observation spawned a pit of guilt in her chest.

"After all this, I’ve finally come to a simple realization.”, Freyd eagerly stated, "I’ve been asking the wrong question all along...What matters is who I choose to be, right here, right now.  And that means being someone who lives and cares for those around him.”

It was an apt ideal, a wish she shared to realize for his sake and that of others. Elora didn't understand how to wrangle her invasive thoughts, but she knew that their presence was preventing her from listening. If she was going to help others, she needed to know how to still her racing mind.

“You are my salvation, Elora.”

"Wha --",The declaration caught her off guard, curtailed her lingering examination.

“You’ve always been my reminder to be a better person than my nature would otherwise allow.", he insisted, "I love you for that, now and forever. You set me free from the prison of my own soul, then badgered me rightfully into believing that I ever had one.”

She blinked with some astonishment as her watery eyes finally welled over with tears. The earnest confession seemed to thaw a characteristic rigidity from Freyd's features. In the mirror of his soft and caring eyes, she saw an inkling of something precious - an appreciation that pierced through all of her doubts, cradled the core of a being who radiated unbridled emotion. The vision was dispelled in an instant, its warmth continuing to linger.

"...I don't know what I did...", she accepted the uncertainty of it all , "But I'm happy to know you. You've transformed me in more ways than I can put into words."

Edited Thursday at 12:45 AM by Elora